Advent Calendar 11/25

I'm currently sitting in a dark park in Ithaca, writing this post on my phone, waiting to surprise my girlfriend by going to her show without telling her. She told me I didn't have to go once, so I'm going twice. Because I'm not dumb, I know she wants me there.

I think it would kill my mother with how comfortable I am in the city at night, its a dumb teenage faux-invincibillity mentality probably but the city doesn't scare me at night. It used to but I've walked these streets for hundreds of hours, they are my home. Thats so cheesy.

I'm sitting at a bench with graffiti that reads "pause here for pleasant smiles and second chances." On the ground behind the bench. It's very comforting to read.

I used to fear being alone, I was afraid that I'd miss something. That by not constantly talking to someone I'd miss something. But in doing that I so grossly missed the world that I exist in. There are so many beautiful people in my life, but sometimes I obsess so much about them I forget that I exist. And I run until I breakdown and then they need to take care of me. Sometimes for months. And then as soon as I'm up and moving I'm back to obsessing about them.

Wash
Rinse
Repeat.

But here I am, comfortably in a relationship, taking care of myself, living my own life while loving another. I've been accused of codependency many a time in my life, and I have no real argue against that, until now. At least I think so. And you, dear reader, may be wondering why I'm talking so happily about independence and  individuality while in a relationship and you might worry over the status of our relationship. We are wonderful, thank you for your concern ❤

I just feel more comfortable in my singularity than I have before. Which I am thankful for.

I walked down the commons today. Christmas light abound. Ice sculptures lit up so pretty. "All I want for Christmas is you" playing loudly. And yet it was hard to feel the Christmas in the air, maybe it was the fact that it was 60 degrees out.

I went for a nice hike today through Cascadilla park. I was alone aside from the occasional bystander. It was nice, comforting in a way. The water rushed by me. My heavy breathing due to my lack of physical physique. The quite clatter of rocks occasionally falling. It was peaceful. It was beautiful. I felt reinvigorated. I felt calmer than I had all week. Maybe that's why I'm able to sit here and write, killing time until I go see Caitlin's show. I'd have bought her flowers, but I'm over achieving and starting my job as a starving artist early.

Happy holidays

❤

Love,

Bailey S. Fox