Giving Thanks

I hope I can come up with a better post title than 'Giving Thanks' by the time I post this, because that is so cliche and everyone uses it but I don't really know yet, I just woke up and felt the urge to blog. I'm sitting here in my pajamas at 9:30 on the morning of my least favorite holiday as my brother feels the primal need to dribble a basketball in his room next door.

I've never been a huge thanksgiving fan, I can't quite figure out why, maybe it's because turkey tastes like sadness. I never know what to say to my family, and I know they read this, so hey guys, what's up? Love you, can't wait to see you! Anyway, I just never got Thanksgiving. On the other hand I really friggin love Christmas, like so much. Anyway, I just feel like Thanksgiving is like "Let's pretend that we didn't commit a large scale genocide on the Native Americans Day." I just don't love it that much, ah well.

On that note, I have a lot I'm thankful for, so much. So many people in my life that I won't take the time spelling it out, you know who you are and I hope I express often enough how thankful for you I truly am. All of you, I wouldn't have all that I have if it hadn't been for you.

I had so many more ideas on what to write and suddenly I'm drawing a blank. Damn.

Oh yeah, a little less than a week ago I went to see one of my favorite bands, Guster live at the state theater. I was dead center in the stage and screamed so loudly I caught the attention of the lead singer, Ryan who then sang directly to me, hand on my shoulder and all. All I could do was stand there in pure excitement. In the seconds between singing he'd make faces at me to try and get me to crack but I stood there feeling more excitement than I knew possible. Another fan took a picture and found me on Twitter the next morning and sent it to me.

Making those 12 hours the most amazing and surreal hours of my life.

One things I've tried to cultivate in my life is this sense of like "how in the hell did he do that?" Like a sense of enigma, where people are unsure of what I'm going to do next. Or where I'll be, I want to be larger than life. I want to do and see as much as I can. I don't know how successful I am. It's probably really douchey that I want people to be in awe of me but it's whatever, I love who I am.

It's now almost 10. I swear I had more to write about. Damn it.

I want to talk a little bit more about what I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for my life, and all that I get to do, see, and experience. I'm thankful that people pay money to see me perform. I'm thankful for my friends and family. I'm thankful for the fact that people read what I write. I'm thankful for all the love and support the people in my life give me. I can't really ever thank anyone enough. I know I'm a handful sometimes but I just hope people know how much I love them.

I'm currently fighting with a friend I think. I know that I didn't text her back a few weeks ago and now she hasn't text me back. And I think it's really weird to talk about this but I think I will anyway. Actually I won't it's too weird and personal to talk about on the blog, so I'll just say this. I'm sorry we're fighting. I hope things are going well for you. I'm here whenever.

So Hamilton the musical is the greatest thing ever. Buzzfeed said I was Hamilton and that made me the happiest ever. People give buzzfeed a lot of shit but it's starting to grow on me. anyway, it made me really happy that I got Hamilton because I deeply empathize with the character. He yearns for more, for greatness. He loves his friends. He earns his greatness through his work and intelligence. He fought through hell and back to get what he had, and that's amazing to me.

Anyway, I think I should start wrapping this up, but Happy Thanksgiving, guys. Go sportsball, love your families, tip your waitresses. I love you all. <3

-Bailey S. Fox

Keep on Keeping on

I think the Arctic Monkeys song Why Do You Only Call Me When You're High? can really apply to my blog, except it's more like Why do you Only Write on me When You're Sad? But that doesn't really work rhythmically.

It's okay though, I'm not sad.

I'm pretty good right now.

I just want to write.

Look how shocked this group of white people is. Bailey has more to say than sad things!

Things have been pretty good for me lately, I saw Bo Burnham last night which was one of the most incredible things I have ever experienced. I really like Bo Burnham because there is this constant self-analysis that he goes through on stage. And I think I do a lot of that in my work and in my day to day existence. He said to the audience last night "If you can get through life without an audience, do it." And as no surprise to anyone here, I don't think I can. And I don't think that's a bad thing per-say. Maybe it isn't the most healthy of lives to lead but that's alright. I've always said my self-destruction and screw ups are redeemed by the total earnest way I go about it. I ruin things with the best intentions, and I give it the best chance I can. I'm the most sincere failure. Maybe I'm a fighter who can't see when he's losing or I'm so god damned stubborn I think I can hold out and win. I have a friend who always makes fun of me for my inability to cut people out of my life. I'm so bad at it, I hold on to toxic and failing relationships until I am driven to the edge of an emotional abyss and then and only then, I might push back a little bit. The real irony here is that a friendship where my friend makes fun of the way I handle shitty relationships is kind of a shitty relationship, isn't it? There's an irony there. If I were to listen to said friend's advice we probably wouldn't be friends. It's alright, I don't think they read my blog. And it's shitty but I just have to keep on keeping on.

I went to the doctors to talk about my head the other day. I'm starting counseling soon which is good. As a friend said "It's about damn time." My doctor said I wasn't the worst case he had seen, in fact I was on the better end of the scale. Though he also said that he was seeing me when I wasn't having an anxiety attack and I wasn't in a depressive state, so that might change his opinion. But it was nice to hear that I wasn't as broken of a human as I thought. Now that doesn't mean I don't have these problems, but they aren't as bad as they could be. And I just have to keep fighting. Day to day. Moment to moment. I can overcome this, I can fight back. I can remain optimistic. I've said this before and I'm saying it again, my problems, my mental illnesses no not define me. I am more than them and I can overcome them. I can keep on keeping on.

I've been called an old man a lot lately, and at first it was kinda hurtful but in retrospect I'm alright with it. I'm a little crotchety and cantankerous at times. Perhaps and maybe I've settled down. I don't know, I'm 17. I'm an old man at 17, who cares? I'm alright with it. I'll keep on keeping on.

Yesterday there were terrorist attacks in France, and usually this is a personal blog but I'm going to talk about a bigger picture for a bit here. My thoughts and prayers go out to those affected in Paris last night. What is going on is a living hell and I'm so sorry for what you have to face right now. Terrorism is an unconscionable thing. What I fear is the backlash of the attacks, people, refugees from Syria or just others trying to live their lives being blamed for the crimes of the few. Just like in America after 9/11 the stigmas that persisted of people from the middle east was awful, and that might happen again. We need to remember, and I pray, I truly pray that we do, that the only way to overcome hate is not with bigger guns, but with love. We can't go around persecuting innocent people for the crimes of radical sects. WE also need to figure out what is causing these groups of terrorists to appear, and in tandem with figuring out how to stop them, maybe we need to figure out how to keep them from happening again. France, I love you, keep on keeping on. Vive La France. <3

I think something important to remember is the fact that the world is in fact an amazing place where so many wonderful things can happen. Sometimes shit is shit, but that doesn't mean we have to let it rule our lives. I think optimism is a much better coping mechanism than pessimism or "realism" (Which I think is just pessimistic people trying to seem superior.) Because if I woke up every morning believing that everything was going to suck than I wouldn't do anything. I have to believe, I have to try and believe that things will be okay. And they are, things change, problems go away, new problems come old ones go but live is always changing, and there is something beautiful about that. Live is strange and beautiful and so full of coincidences and happenings and I find it beautiful. I do. I think that life, with all of its weirdness, its coincidences, its one in a million happenings, I think it's beautiful, even when all those things are shitty things. Because life is an organic thing. It evolves and changes and grows and I love it. I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. I think the journey, the story is a beautiful one. Keep on keeping on.

I say this all the time and I will say it until people stop reading this blog. Thank you so much for reading. Thank you everyone for your love and support. You're all wonderful people and you mean the world to me, all of you. Thank you.

Keep on keeping on, everyone.

I love you.

<3

Bailey S. Fox