In two days, it will be the three year anniversary of a very arrogant 15 year old trying to explain his thoughts on things like humanity and also The Planet of the Apes remake that helped foster his deep hatred of Mark Wahlberg
And I've changed a lot since then. Something that hasn't changed (as much as it probably should have) is my hero complex. I've been confronted by everyone who has ever known me with the fact that I have one. And right now, (AKA the last six months,) in an attempt to rid myself of it, I've kind of become the worst.
Or I haven't.
I can't tell.
I can tell you a lot of shitty things I've done in the last six months, christ, everyone who knows my name could as well, but I've probably always done shitty things in the same frequency, so why am I suddenly so burdened by it now?
I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think it's because what has always made my past transgressions more acceptable has been the clear visibility of my intentions behind it, but the choices I have made in the last six months have been ones of a more selfish nature. I wasn't doing things to better myself that might have had consequences, I've been making a lot of selfish and cowardly choices, and then trying to write the narrative around those to comfort myself, but I stand here in the muck of the narrative, and I can either let it pull me down, or I can pick up my feet. and free myself of my own lies and self-deception.
And I'm making it all sound worse that it probably is. It's not like I've killed anyone. But I've become selfish, I've become more closed off, I've become less tender, less soft, I've let myself grow hard and blame the world around me and the people around me instead of accepting and owning up to the fact that I've grown scared. I have, the worst thing that could happen to me is me losing the people in my life, but all I do is I keep them at arms length with a brusque sense of humor, strong silences, and snappy moments. I said it before, but I've let myself grow hard. I've let myself write excuses for why I am how I am instead of just taking control and writing my own story. I've lost the plot. I'm tired of making excuses. I want to be good enough, not for other people, but for myself.
I'm tired of being such a way that I constantly question my actions. The careless remarks I make in front of the wrong people, the jokes that are too close to crossing the line for comfort, I'm tired ob being afraid and hiding.
I can't tell you exactly when it started. I can't pinpoint the day and say that's when I became the victim. Because any guess I made you could probably find and earlier example of it.
I need to come to terms to what I've done and how I've been, and then I need to let it go.
No one wants to hear constantly about how I've been shitty. They want to hear about me growing. Not me slowly learning that I've been regressing. And regressing is a misnomer. I've made a lot of growth as a person in some areas. I've taken good care of myself and I've started doing a lot of good for me. But I've let that progress hide the shitty things I've been doing from myself. Because it's too easy to write selfish behavior off as just growing up when every damn movie about selfish adults has the moral that they need to grow soft again, and that becoming a dick isn't a part of growing up inherently. For fuck's sake, the moral of the movie I wrote is that you shouldn't grow up to be a selfish dick.
I think I've let myself run for too long. It's time, not to stand still, but to stand tall. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for who I've been, and to be a better me. I know that if 15 year old me were to look at me now, he'd be proud overall. He'd be awed. But 15 year old me had low standards. (Higher than Marky Mark and his shitty Planet of the Apes movie, but not that high.) 15 year old me thought very lowly of himself, and by extension 18 year old Bailey is better in every way. But it's not all that hard to be better than yourself at 15. The goals I should be setting should be better than that. Maybe the hero complex got me into trouble, but I'd rather be in trouble for trying to help than being in trouble for being shitty.
Maybe the next person I have to try and save, is myself.
Thank you for reading, for the last three years. Holy shit that's crazy people have been reading this for three years. Also, like 1,400 people read my last post and that's absolutely bonkers. You guys indulge me and love and support me and for that I'm so thankful. I wouldn't be able to be better without you guys. Thank you.
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
And I've changed a lot since then. Something that hasn't changed (as much as it probably should have) is my hero complex. I've been confronted by everyone who has ever known me with the fact that I have one. And right now, (AKA the last six months,) in an attempt to rid myself of it, I've kind of become the worst.
Or I haven't.
I can't tell.
I can tell you a lot of shitty things I've done in the last six months, christ, everyone who knows my name could as well, but I've probably always done shitty things in the same frequency, so why am I suddenly so burdened by it now?
I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think it's because what has always made my past transgressions more acceptable has been the clear visibility of my intentions behind it, but the choices I have made in the last six months have been ones of a more selfish nature. I wasn't doing things to better myself that might have had consequences, I've been making a lot of selfish and cowardly choices, and then trying to write the narrative around those to comfort myself, but I stand here in the muck of the narrative, and I can either let it pull me down, or I can pick up my feet. and free myself of my own lies and self-deception.
Despite your grand attempts the chips are set to fall
And all the stories you might weave cannot negotiate them all
And I'm making it all sound worse that it probably is. It's not like I've killed anyone. But I've become selfish, I've become more closed off, I've become less tender, less soft, I've let myself grow hard and blame the world around me and the people around me instead of accepting and owning up to the fact that I've grown scared. I have, the worst thing that could happen to me is me losing the people in my life, but all I do is I keep them at arms length with a brusque sense of humor, strong silences, and snappy moments. I said it before, but I've let myself grow hard. I've let myself write excuses for why I am how I am instead of just taking control and writing my own story. I've lost the plot. I'm tired of making excuses. I want to be good enough, not for other people, but for myself.
I'm tired of being such a way that I constantly question my actions. The careless remarks I make in front of the wrong people, the jokes that are too close to crossing the line for comfort, I'm tired ob being afraid and hiding.
I can't tell you exactly when it started. I can't pinpoint the day and say that's when I became the victim. Because any guess I made you could probably find and earlier example of it.
I need to come to terms to what I've done and how I've been, and then I need to let it go.
No one wants to hear constantly about how I've been shitty. They want to hear about me growing. Not me slowly learning that I've been regressing. And regressing is a misnomer. I've made a lot of growth as a person in some areas. I've taken good care of myself and I've started doing a lot of good for me. But I've let that progress hide the shitty things I've been doing from myself. Because it's too easy to write selfish behavior off as just growing up when every damn movie about selfish adults has the moral that they need to grow soft again, and that becoming a dick isn't a part of growing up inherently. For fuck's sake, the moral of the movie I wrote is that you shouldn't grow up to be a selfish dick.
I think I've let myself run for too long. It's time, not to stand still, but to stand tall. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for who I've been, and to be a better me. I know that if 15 year old me were to look at me now, he'd be proud overall. He'd be awed. But 15 year old me had low standards. (Higher than Marky Mark and his shitty Planet of the Apes movie, but not that high.) 15 year old me thought very lowly of himself, and by extension 18 year old Bailey is better in every way. But it's not all that hard to be better than yourself at 15. The goals I should be setting should be better than that. Maybe the hero complex got me into trouble, but I'd rather be in trouble for trying to help than being in trouble for being shitty.
Maybe the next person I have to try and save, is myself.
Thank you for reading, for the last three years. Holy shit that's crazy people have been reading this for three years. Also, like 1,400 people read my last post and that's absolutely bonkers. You guys indulge me and love and support me and for that I'm so thankful. I wouldn't be able to be better without you guys. Thank you.
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
