I in my unyielding arrogance, I have decided to write a farewell letter, kind of like a farewell address, like a president, except I'm not president of anything, as Sara Barellies will sing you, I'm not king of anything either.
If you go back and examine my last four years you will see a long endless list of contradictions and mistakes and anxiety. Mostly anxiety. I want to say that I did my best, but I'll admit, there were many times I could have done better, I could have been better. There have been times I could have made different choices, ones that wouldn't have hurt me, or hurt others. And I regret not making those choices, because never once have I wished to hurt anyone. My only solace is that through the chaos I have created, I have come out happy, and intact, for that I am thankful. If you give monkeys eternity and typewriters they'll compose the complete works of Shakespeare, if you give me long enough, order too, shall arise from my chaos.
I can only hope that with time, people who care to remember me, will remember me fondly, I know this sounds more like a suicide note than me saying goodbye to my home, but to be frank with myself and everyone, I have no long term plans to return to Ithaca and Newfield, or even really New York. I've known this is not where I belong, and that's okay, I've made my peace with it. I've done the best and all that I can do with this home, and now it's time to move on to the next one. I'm thankful for everyone I have had the privilege to meet, you've all done so much for me, I'm not sure I can ever repay all of you.
To the adults I've met, thank you. Thank you for teaching me, thank you for guiding me. I wouldn't have made it this far without you.
To my friends, I know I haven't always been the best or the easiest, but you've helped me be the best me I can be. Thanks, team.
To people who I've hurt, I'm sorry, I hope one day you'll forgive me. I've tried to do all that I can do to make amends.
I look back on my time in Ithaca with pride, I know that if I could go back, I'd make new mistakes, and wanting to go back and change the past is dumb. All in all, I'm very happy with who I am and where I am as a person. I've done my best.
Someone once told me during an argument over whether Aaron Burr was a good person or not that it's a matter of perspective, and that I myself might be the villain in someone's story, which was a kinda shitty thing of them to say in retrospect, but I understand their point. I've done my best to be a good person, but I know that I have fallen short before. I acknowledge this, not in seeking pity or anything, but in hopes that I can in the future, in Boston, hold myself to a higher standard. And one day, look back, and know that I did my best, and I got it right.
What am I leaving behind in Newfield/Ithaca? I'm leaving my name on a plaque in the high school, I'm leaving behind friends, family, a dozen jobs, the streets I wandered, I'm leaving behind the stories people will tell of me, of Denny's and fallen slides. I'm leaving behind a younger sister and brother who will shine more brightly than I ever could here, and I'm proud to say that. I'm leaving behind a smattering of younger friends who I hope in some way, I have changed their lives for the better. It's hard to say what I have left behind. "Legacy, what is a legacy? Sowing seeds in a garden you will never see." I'm not sure how often I will return to home. I will return to cheer on my friends, the people I love.
I have learned to be at peace with my emotions, or at least the fact that I feel them. I have accepted the fact that I cry, I have accepted that I am quick to anger, I have accepted that I love hard, I have accepted that I am easily distracted, I am flighty, anxious, I have accepted that I love flower prints, I love hearts, I love. I accept that I love.
When all is said and done, I am proud of what I have done, because I did my best, and as I've been told, by best is enough.
So in conclusion, what's the point? The point is that I have loved. That is what I have to be proud of, I love. I love without fear, I love without question, I love. I try to tell the people I love that I love them. I'm so thankful for each person I have met, every interaction, everything. Every bit of my legacy I have left behind here, has been because of my love. My love of performing, of attention, of music, of people, of intimacy, of everything, of being alive. I'm so thankful for each moment I was permitted to exist, I wouldn't give any of them up. I was so privileged in my time here, I'm so thankful. Thank you. What made it all worth it, every tear, ever moment of pain, every angry moment, every anxiety attack, everything, was the love behind every damn moment.
The reason I am who I am is because I love. I will never apologize for that. I may not have always been right, but I have always loved.
Love is love is love is love is love is love is love.
Damn it.
My advice to everyone, is love more. Tell the people you love that you love them. Love everything, everyone, every moment you can. No amount of repeating it will ever make it mean less. Because love is not something that can go away, it's not something that has a finite supply, love can't stop, won't stop. Love.
Thank you to everyone who has ever loved me back.
Thank you to everyone who let me love them.
Thank you.
I'll make you all proud.
I promise,
I'll write again from Boston. Because even though this is goodbye, this is not the end of my story. This is just the beginning. I'm going to do everything I can, I'm going to change the damn world. I'm going to save the damn world.
Watch me.
Thank you for reading. <3
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
Love,
If you go back and examine my last four years you will see a long endless list of contradictions and mistakes and anxiety. Mostly anxiety. I want to say that I did my best, but I'll admit, there were many times I could have done better, I could have been better. There have been times I could have made different choices, ones that wouldn't have hurt me, or hurt others. And I regret not making those choices, because never once have I wished to hurt anyone. My only solace is that through the chaos I have created, I have come out happy, and intact, for that I am thankful. If you give monkeys eternity and typewriters they'll compose the complete works of Shakespeare, if you give me long enough, order too, shall arise from my chaos.
I can only hope that with time, people who care to remember me, will remember me fondly, I know this sounds more like a suicide note than me saying goodbye to my home, but to be frank with myself and everyone, I have no long term plans to return to Ithaca and Newfield, or even really New York. I've known this is not where I belong, and that's okay, I've made my peace with it. I've done the best and all that I can do with this home, and now it's time to move on to the next one. I'm thankful for everyone I have had the privilege to meet, you've all done so much for me, I'm not sure I can ever repay all of you.
To the adults I've met, thank you. Thank you for teaching me, thank you for guiding me. I wouldn't have made it this far without you.
To my friends, I know I haven't always been the best or the easiest, but you've helped me be the best me I can be. Thanks, team.
To people who I've hurt, I'm sorry, I hope one day you'll forgive me. I've tried to do all that I can do to make amends.
I look back on my time in Ithaca with pride, I know that if I could go back, I'd make new mistakes, and wanting to go back and change the past is dumb. All in all, I'm very happy with who I am and where I am as a person. I've done my best.
Someone once told me during an argument over whether Aaron Burr was a good person or not that it's a matter of perspective, and that I myself might be the villain in someone's story, which was a kinda shitty thing of them to say in retrospect, but I understand their point. I've done my best to be a good person, but I know that I have fallen short before. I acknowledge this, not in seeking pity or anything, but in hopes that I can in the future, in Boston, hold myself to a higher standard. And one day, look back, and know that I did my best, and I got it right.
What am I leaving behind in Newfield/Ithaca? I'm leaving my name on a plaque in the high school, I'm leaving behind friends, family, a dozen jobs, the streets I wandered, I'm leaving behind the stories people will tell of me, of Denny's and fallen slides. I'm leaving behind a younger sister and brother who will shine more brightly than I ever could here, and I'm proud to say that. I'm leaving behind a smattering of younger friends who I hope in some way, I have changed their lives for the better. It's hard to say what I have left behind. "Legacy, what is a legacy? Sowing seeds in a garden you will never see." I'm not sure how often I will return to home. I will return to cheer on my friends, the people I love.
I have learned to be at peace with my emotions, or at least the fact that I feel them. I have accepted the fact that I cry, I have accepted that I am quick to anger, I have accepted that I love hard, I have accepted that I am easily distracted, I am flighty, anxious, I have accepted that I love flower prints, I love hearts, I love. I accept that I love.
When all is said and done, I am proud of what I have done, because I did my best, and as I've been told, by best is enough.
So in conclusion, what's the point? The point is that I have loved. That is what I have to be proud of, I love. I love without fear, I love without question, I love. I try to tell the people I love that I love them. I'm so thankful for each person I have met, every interaction, everything. Every bit of my legacy I have left behind here, has been because of my love. My love of performing, of attention, of music, of people, of intimacy, of everything, of being alive. I'm so thankful for each moment I was permitted to exist, I wouldn't give any of them up. I was so privileged in my time here, I'm so thankful. Thank you. What made it all worth it, every tear, ever moment of pain, every angry moment, every anxiety attack, everything, was the love behind every damn moment.
The reason I am who I am is because I love. I will never apologize for that. I may not have always been right, but I have always loved.
Love is love is love is love is love is love is love.
Damn it.
My advice to everyone, is love more. Tell the people you love that you love them. Love everything, everyone, every moment you can. No amount of repeating it will ever make it mean less. Because love is not something that can go away, it's not something that has a finite supply, love can't stop, won't stop. Love.
Thank you to everyone who has ever loved me back.
Thank you to everyone who let me love them.
Thank you.
I'll make you all proud.
I promise,
I'll write again from Boston. Because even though this is goodbye, this is not the end of my story. This is just the beginning. I'm going to do everything I can, I'm going to change the damn world. I'm going to save the damn world.
Watch me.
Thank you for reading. <3
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
Love,
