Hey Guys, it's been awhile.
And truthfully it's because I haven't known what to say, not really. Truthfully I thought about ending the blog, worrying it had outlasted its use and was past it's prime. But as you'll learn with this story you'll learn my knee-jerk reaction isn't always right.
I've been incredibly busy the last month, I did a show, and then another, saw Caitlin do a show, and Now I'm in between show weekends, with two more performances to come. After this I have a brief respite of time before my next show starts.
Caitlin and I had been very busy, and as it happens we hadn't seen each other outside a theater for more than a month, and it was starting to take its toll. And things had gotten harder, and as my knee-jerk reaction is when things get emotionally harder I got prepared to do my classic move, to grow emotionally inert and distant so that way when she dumped me it wouldn't hurt as much, you know, that old chestnut. To let everything fall apart, because trying to keep things together opens me up more emotionally and then if it goes wrong I get more hurt. It's easier to be a bastard.
And so there I was in bed, 12:30 in the afternoon, my first day off in weeks and I was ready to watch it all crash and burn if need be.
By one o'clock I decided I couldn't do it.
I couldn't let it all fall apart.
I couldn't be the bastard.
Not anymore.
I gave too much of a damn.
Fantastic, so what the hell was I gonna do about it?
I Googled the time from my house to the bus station, because I could take a bus to up by Caitlin's house. I could show up, no big presents, no cheesy lines, just me. I wasn't going to hide behind some kind of show, I was going to go on my own volition on my own two legs and hope it was enough.
Google maps told me it was 7.68 miles from my house to the station.
2 hours and 38 minutes.
That was doable.
By 1:05 I was belting songs in the shower.
By 1:30 I was on the road.
I had my leather jacket that I really only wore cause it made me feel cool.
I had my heart shaped sunglasses for a very similar reason.
I had music in my ears and a giddiness in my heart that had been lacking for some time.
The moment I came up with the idea and saw the length of time I knew in my gut that it was the right thing to do, I just knew, I had no question in my mind this was the right choice. This girl was worth the walk, this relationship was worth the risk of heartbreak.
I set off calling into my house that I was leaving and the Odyssey began.
I know I had my end goal in mind but it wasn't really tangible, like I didn't know if I thought I 'd actually make it. I didn't know what to think, not really. I just knew I had to keep going forward and what happens would happen. I had all and no control at the same time. It was liberating. I was going under my own power. I had no one to answer to, Caitlin had no idea I was coming. I just went, I went for me, this was something I had to do for me, not for anyone else. I mean, yes I went to make things right with Caitlin and continue to put in the work necessary for a relationship to function, but I went for me. If any of that makes sense. This was for my own peace of mind and to better myself. I could have banked on waiting and hoping I'd see Caitlin soon enough and everything would still be alright. But I had the means and the motive and legs be damned, I went.
It was overcast, it wasn't pretty out, yet it felt perfect. I took this picture about two miles into my exodus.
And truthfully it's because I haven't known what to say, not really. Truthfully I thought about ending the blog, worrying it had outlasted its use and was past it's prime. But as you'll learn with this story you'll learn my knee-jerk reaction isn't always right.
I've been incredibly busy the last month, I did a show, and then another, saw Caitlin do a show, and Now I'm in between show weekends, with two more performances to come. After this I have a brief respite of time before my next show starts.
Caitlin and I had been very busy, and as it happens we hadn't seen each other outside a theater for more than a month, and it was starting to take its toll. And things had gotten harder, and as my knee-jerk reaction is when things get emotionally harder I got prepared to do my classic move, to grow emotionally inert and distant so that way when she dumped me it wouldn't hurt as much, you know, that old chestnut. To let everything fall apart, because trying to keep things together opens me up more emotionally and then if it goes wrong I get more hurt. It's easier to be a bastard.
And so there I was in bed, 12:30 in the afternoon, my first day off in weeks and I was ready to watch it all crash and burn if need be.
By one o'clock I decided I couldn't do it.
I couldn't let it all fall apart.
I couldn't be the bastard.
Not anymore.
I gave too much of a damn.
Fantastic, so what the hell was I gonna do about it?
I Googled the time from my house to the bus station, because I could take a bus to up by Caitlin's house. I could show up, no big presents, no cheesy lines, just me. I wasn't going to hide behind some kind of show, I was going to go on my own volition on my own two legs and hope it was enough.
Google maps told me it was 7.68 miles from my house to the station.
2 hours and 38 minutes.
That was doable.
By 1:05 I was belting songs in the shower.
By 1:30 I was on the road.
I had my leather jacket that I really only wore cause it made me feel cool.
I had my heart shaped sunglasses for a very similar reason.
I had music in my ears and a giddiness in my heart that had been lacking for some time.
The moment I came up with the idea and saw the length of time I knew in my gut that it was the right thing to do, I just knew, I had no question in my mind this was the right choice. This girl was worth the walk, this relationship was worth the risk of heartbreak.
I set off calling into my house that I was leaving and the Odyssey began.
I know I had my end goal in mind but it wasn't really tangible, like I didn't know if I thought I 'd actually make it. I didn't know what to think, not really. I just knew I had to keep going forward and what happens would happen. I had all and no control at the same time. It was liberating. I was going under my own power. I had no one to answer to, Caitlin had no idea I was coming. I just went, I went for me, this was something I had to do for me, not for anyone else. I mean, yes I went to make things right with Caitlin and continue to put in the work necessary for a relationship to function, but I went for me. If any of that makes sense. This was for my own peace of mind and to better myself. I could have banked on waiting and hoping I'd see Caitlin soon enough and everything would still be alright. But I had the means and the motive and legs be damned, I went.
It was overcast, it wasn't pretty out, yet it felt perfect. I took this picture about two miles into my exodus.
There was something serene about it all, spring had not yet come yet the winds were mild and the day was pleasant enough. I couldn't overstate how ecstatic I was. After this bend in the curve pictured above it was literally just all downhill from there I just had to make it. Something like 3 miles in I grew dehydrated, it would take me until 4 miles to get to a subway where I purchased a water. Between that and the beginnings of my dehydration several people I knew stopped and asked if I wanted a ride, and while a ride would have been logical I had the desire to do it myself. I had the need to do it myself, so ignoring the queer looks they gave me as I politely refused the ride I kept on foraging ahead. While two hours and thirty eight minutes is a considerable amount of time, it never felt too long. I felt like I was going at a perfect pace, I had no stress to arrive anywhere on time. I still felt in my gut that this was the right choice.
Around 4:16 I made it to the bus station, I had made good time, only a few behind the projected arrival time. And I made it in time to catch the 4:28 bus up to the mall and on the final leg of my trip. Now this was the tricky part of my trip as I had to finesse out if Caitlin was home or not and if she wasn't when she was, so I took refuge in a strip mall about two or three miles from her house. A place I could find wifi and an outlet to charge my phone. And I found just that. I was still optimistic, and as I walked into a bakery the song "Someone to Watch Over Me" by George Gershwin was playing. Now that may seem insignificant but that song was featured in the first show we ever acted in together and it was the way we met, so I was really feeling this whole thing. I hunkered down in the back and waited to hear from Caitlin.
After 20 minutes I heard on of her favorite songs come on the radio, and I'm not exaggerating as I went to text her this she responded. She was doing laundry, assuming she was at home I ran out and began the last leg of my journey. But she didn't know how long she was going to be doing laundry before she went off to go to the store. So fearing that I'd miss my chance if I didn't fess up, I admitted the whole thing to her. To which she told me that she was in the laundry mat in the strip mall I had just ran out of, and spent the last twenty minutes.
It's funny how impulsiveness works out. On one hand it had led me to that strip mall, on the other it had run me out. And I had to run back.
But hey, it all worked out.
She really appreciated the effort.
It was nice to see her again.
It was worth the walk.
My phone tells me all in all I walked 8.3 miles that day, which isn't THAT much but it's still a significant amount. I walked across a town and a city to get to her, that counts for something.
My father and friends were very supportive of the escapade, saying they were proud of me for making the effort and my dad admitted he would have done the same at my age.
There was a profound sense of fulfillment I found in my adventure, having done something for me and having it go well.
Someone asked what I had learned in my adventure, and I learned that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love, but if they love you just as much it won't seem like a sacrifice. I learned that I have to do more things for me than just buy myself food. That life is better when you're an active participant and don't let the raging sea of the universe and fate throw you about. And that sometimes it's worth risking hurt because giving a damn is always more rewarding than being a miserable bastard.
Not to exaggerate but it was kinda life changing.
It was a good day.
My legs hurt like a mother though.
Thank you for reading.
I love you all.
Stay golden <3
I linked it above but if you were wondering some of the music I filled the 2 hours 38 minutes with I made a playlist, the rest of the time was filled with podcasts or even silence.
Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
And take a chance and find someone worth giving a damn about and walking 8.3 miles for,
It's the best thing in the world.
Yours,
Bailey S. Fox <3
P.S.
I forgot to mention that Caitlin's mom is in NYC and while there found Han Solo and Princess Leia M&M's and she got them for Caitlin and I respectively which is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and really just the best show of outside faith in our relationship.
