Because the Night

I am a chaotic being. I thrive on change and movement. I find my rhythms in the live syncopation of the world.

My parents and family worry about me, about the amount of time I spend out of the house, wandering, swing, feeling, exploring. And they don't quite understand that the unplanned wanderings and explorations of my world is the respite from the strict structure of a school day. And as I sit here on the Ithaca Commons, I feel a sense of calm I lack when in school. I can see the world happen around me. Hundreds of people, walking, talking, feeling, living their lives. Thats magical to me. And as I sat there sipping the remains of my lukewarm wegmans coffee, these three college students approached me, asking if they could spread the gospel to me. At first I was cagey, I didn't want to be rude, but I haven't always seen eye to eye with religion. So I told them I was Jewish, it was a lie, but i t was the same type of lie that girls tell sleazy guys in sleazier bars so they can finish their drink in peace, so the lie didn't bother me. But they asked polite questions about my life, and asked if they could pray for me. I said I didn't see why not, and so we sat, at the round, blue table by the center of the commons. And they prayed for me. They didn't pray that I would be saved from my sins, they prayed that I would find peace and happiness. That my college apps would go well. It actually made me feel really nice. I've always thought of myself as more of a spiritual person rather than a religious, but, I appreciated their kindness.

So as I wished them luck and saw them on my way, I sipped my coffee once more and began to write, I watched a little boy run, squealing with joy as his mother tried to keep pace, i saw and talked to an older man with a Bernie Sanders pin, (#FeelTheBern), and in these moments I found my peace. I found my peace in the chaos of life. Because right now at this exact moment in time. I'm not moving, I have been stationary for about thirty minutes, but potential lies all around me. The optimism and hope for adventure. I could get up and catch a bus to anywhere I want. I can go see a movie at the local indie theater. I could go for a hike, I could sit here and write. I sit here, on my first day off, my first day to myself in lord knows how long, I sit here with peace. Peace within the chaos and potential. This is why I love cities, they're their own little worlds, more lies in a city block than a country mile if you ask me. And since I lack a sexual attraction to farm animals and find a disdain for chewing tobacco, I find myself on Friday nights, catching the bus into town. I find myself with my friends dealing adventure, trying new foods, waving my arms with passion and excitement at whatever topic gas caught my gaze. So Monday through Thursday I bide my time, I do homework, I take notes, I go to rehearsals, work, and school, knowing that Friday nights are mine. Friday nights are for me to catch the always late bus from Newfield into ithaca. Friday nights are for me to stay up late and wake up early on Saturday mornings. Weekends are mind to walk down the street in my heart shaped sunglasses singing along to E•MO•TION or Ben Folds new album. Weekends are mine to be me more than I could ever be in Newfield. And to the people who let me crash on their couches, who let me borrow a t-shirt. Thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you to everyone in my life, who helps me get through the week. Who helps me and loves me more than I can ever know. Thank you.

Thank you for reading. <3

Stay golden, listen to music, stay beautiful.

Sincerely,

Bailey S. Fox

The New Adventures of Old Bailey Fox

Just when you thought I couldn't get more esoteric I title a blog post referencing a defunct sitcom.

Am I funny? No. Does that bother me? Deeply, yes.

LET'S GET EMOTIONALLY INTAMATE!!

A lot changed over the summer, I'm a senior, I'm now single, I make artisanal goat cheese for a living, I finished a script and started a new one, I competed in a dance battle, I now play guitar and I'm learning to play bass, life is exciting. But at the same time, it's not. I have this hunger, this hunger for new experiences and adventure, of new places and great stories, and with the start of senior year, those are suddenly in short supply.

Now, as a disclaimer, I am happy. I survived my break up, the first week of senior year hasn't killed me. I am just left with this desire to see more and experience more. But a lack of adventure does not a enjoyable blog post make. So I'm just going to talk about me.

I have changed a lot over the last year. Junior year was a real trial by fire, and I like to think I made the grade. But here I am, the best Bailey that 17 year old me can be, and I still face all the problems that past less super cool Bailey faced. So what was the point? Why did I better myself if I still have to face the same struggles day in and day out? My life is completely different than a year ago, but I still face the same problems. I fear no one likes me, I'm sometimes confident that no one likes me. I try as hard as I can to be positive, to persevere, to continue on, but it's hard to live in the moment when the moment is your high school reminding you why you suck and you will never be as cool as you want to be.

There are these moments, when life is how I want it to be, and the adventure washes over me and I forget my fear, my insecurities. And I chase those moments. That's why I have the hunger, because when I am satisfied I am unstoppable.

I have struggled with feelings of just generally being a loser no one likes. And this post isn't me crying out for attention or trying to garner sympathy. This is me trying to explain both to myself and those around me how I feel. I have let go a lot of my insecurities over the last year, and I have done so much more than ever before, yet the stubborn ones, they remain. I am doing my best that I can to over come them.

I've learned a lot of lessons, as I have said, several times. You can't change people, not with love, not with anger, people only change if they want to. And it hurts, but sometimes for yourself you have to leave, you have to accept the consequences that come with leaving, because you know that you can't save everyone, and the most important person to save is yourself. I still want to be the brave knight, saving the day, getting the girl, but I can't do that if I lose myself in my pseudo-crusade then it's a moot point.

I'm going to try and pull out of the sad nose dive we have hit and I'm going to go on a more positive tear.

I believe in potential energies, not necessarily like in science but in life. The potential energy for the extraordinary. In my opinion the potential energy at home is on average 0, it's a scale of 0-5, so keep that context in mind. At school it averages on a 1, at work we see a 2-3 range. In public, like if I catch the bus into town it's a 3-4 and then in new places its on average a 5, anything can happen, it's all new to me. And I take advantage of this as much as I can and give myself the best odds I can of experiencing the extraordinary. I want to go out and meet pretty people and eat weird foods. I want to see the world, do exciting and dangerous things, live life. I want to live, I want to really live. So, if you're a reader, hit me up. Do it, say hi, tell me about you. I want to meet new people, from anywhere. I want to try new things, if anyone needs a guy to go do random stuff with give me a call. I'm ready to live, to really live.

I will go out, I will see the world, I will fight dragons and scale towers, I will visit far off lands, I will do extreme things, I will be snarky in my heart shaped sunglasses, I will spend the night couch surfing between houses, I will go to parties, I will go to fancy dinners, I will give up my insecurities. I will fall in love a thousand times, or maybe once. I will take better care of myself and do more for me, to make me happy. I will read more classics, I will learn to like tea, I will use bigger words, become more cultured, I will be the best me I can be. I will get my homework done, I will learn new skills, I will get better at my old ones, I will write new stories and make more of my own.

I love you all, everyone who puts up with these posts and reads them and shares them. The people who talk me out of my anxiety attacks, those who go shopping with me or get coffee or whatever we do, I appreciate you. I am working on a super cool secret project that I will soon be able to share more about. I think you're all really going to like it.

Thank you to Camryn for the graphic above, I love you sis <3

If you want to get into contact with me, say hi, tell me more about you, I have:

Snapchat : bfox98
Kik: bfo98
Facebook
Twitter @BaileyMcfly
Insta: Bailey_McFly

I love you all, stay golden. Thanks for reading.


-Bailey S. Fox <3

P.S. E-MO-TION by Carly Rae Jepsen is one of my favorite albums of 2015. Listen to it.