This is the second blog post in which I talk about my emotions and alienate whatever readers I have that I don't personally know. Let's get started, shall we?
Well I guess I should start this by saying I don't deal well with my own emotions. From what I know that is actually a required trait to be a writer, so at least I have that going for me. I'm a very emotional person, I've tried many different ways of coping with it in the past, from shutting it out, to pushing people away, from letting my emotions control me and letting my logic and reason be swept away like the third horse that didn't make the cut when Noah was choosing his pairs to board the Ark.
None of these are good or really healthy. I need my emotions. The reason I'm a writer is because it's what helps me channel my emotions and convey them better.
In conjunction with that I may not have always been the nicest, most moral, or most understanding of people. And I'm trying to change that.
I tend to use my anger and rudeness to keep people out and obviously that's not working. No matter how rude or mean I am to my friends they stick around and keep trying to cheer me up and they have no idea how much that means to me.
But that doesn't mean they always will, I should stop trying to keep them out because eventually they will give up and I never want that to happen.
So, what prompted this?
Well this morning I was laying in bed and I was listening to the Harmontown podcast.
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| Featuring Community Creator Dan Harmon |
It was their recent live SXSW episode. They had a woman, I think her name was Katie, and she was talking about how she feels overwhelmed by her emotions and the comptroller Jeff Davis said something that really struck me and inspired me to write this blog post.
"The ability to feel strongly about something is the most important thing in the world and I think that I've grown up a little bit... we use to keep the world away and you learn as you grow up letting people in is really dangerous emotionally... I've gotten better at finding quick, clever ways to keep people at arm's length, and that does not make your life better at all."
And I realized that he's right. I need to not be afraid of letting people care about me. I get to this place where someone is like "Oh Bailey I love you and you're the best." and I don't believe them, I keep waiting for someone to hurt me, and sometimes I get paranoid and just cut them out of my life before they can cut me out of theirs. And it's a horrible thing to do, it's lonely and I feel stupid because now I'm at a point where half the people that want to love and care about me and who think I'm amazing I push away. Maybe I think they're better than me, maybe I think they can do better, maybe I'm waiting for them to hurt me or whatever. Whatever reason I come up with doesn't justify what I do.
I guess what I'm saying is a lot of things.
1) I'm sorry, everyone. Those that I've pushed away and hurt. I told you that I loved you and I did not keep my promise
2) As scary as it is you have to let people in and let them love you. Pushing people away hurts you and alienates you to the world. Even if people have hurt you in the past it's no excuse to push people away that want to help you now.
3) Apologize more.
4) Don't be a prick.
5) Tell the people you love that you love them.
Now I know this doesn't excuse what I've done or said. But I hope this at least is a good first step. I know I mess up a lot and I know some of you are tired of hearing this but I feel the need to say it anyways.
I love you guys. You know who you are. I'm sorry I'm a bitter, grumpy, immature, bastard but I do love you all, even if I push you away and don't say it nearly enough.
<3
-Bailey S. Fox
