I hereby acknowledge the innuendos that can be made at this post and I ask that for the sake of everyone's time we just laugh and don't need to point them out.
I don't want to become hard.
(hehehehe)
But it's true, I want to like, pull the ultimate grift, have my cake and eat it too. I want to lead a long and happy life without having to become a closed off, bitter shell. And I'm afraid that it's impossible. Because it's easier to get through live by not opening up to other people. And like, my openness, my enthusiasm and my way of expressing myself sometimes comes off as insincere, and like, that sucks because everything I do I do with just earnest excitement. And everything I say is so sincere, I usually try to make it blatantly obvious when I'm being sarcastic and I try not to hurt people's feelings with my sarcasm.
It's a hard balance to reach, like by nature I try to be an independent person who doesn't need to rely on other people's approval, yet I'm a performer and so by definition I live and die by the audience. And so I try to shield myself because if I expose my soul to completely to the world, if I leave nothing in between be and the world, I'm putting a lot of faith in something that has a notorious habit of utterly obliterating people. So regularly I expose my thoughts and feelings. There was that girl a few years ago who committed suicide from horrible comments on youtube, and Rebecca Black was just a girl who wanted to make a fun video, and we just brutally mocked her for it. Shit is scary, man. Because I know, I'll never hit my peak as a performer or as a writer if I don't remove the fear from what I do. As long as I censor my words and I hold back in my performances, I'll never be as good as I can be. I know for a fact that I will cry on stage this year. In front of everyone, because this will be my last high school show, and someone is probably going to give me flowers, and I'm a big crier. And I know I'll cry, I'll cry so hard. I'm like Sean Penn, except I haven't kissed James Franco. (Though if you read this James, hmu. I saw the movie the Night Before) Anyway, I know it's not expressly "masculine" to cry in front of people or insinuate that you'd kiss James Franco, but screw you. This is my blog, I'll say I'll kiss whoever I want.
I know the odds of me getting through life and not closing myself off to the world are slim to none, especially being a performer in the age of the internet. Like once my performances and my words go further in the world than the 60 or so of you who regularly read what I write and watch my shows, I'm going to get a lot of shitty feedback. A lot of people telling me that I like men and thus I should end my life. Like one or two people saying it bugs me, how will I deal with hundreds? The building of walls isn't just a metaphor from a Pink Floyd album, it's a logical conclusion, and the odds of me making it are dismal.
But never tell me the odds.
Happy Holidays
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
<3
I don't want to become hard.
(hehehehe)
But it's true, I want to like, pull the ultimate grift, have my cake and eat it too. I want to lead a long and happy life without having to become a closed off, bitter shell. And I'm afraid that it's impossible. Because it's easier to get through live by not opening up to other people. And like, my openness, my enthusiasm and my way of expressing myself sometimes comes off as insincere, and like, that sucks because everything I do I do with just earnest excitement. And everything I say is so sincere, I usually try to make it blatantly obvious when I'm being sarcastic and I try not to hurt people's feelings with my sarcasm.
It's a hard balance to reach, like by nature I try to be an independent person who doesn't need to rely on other people's approval, yet I'm a performer and so by definition I live and die by the audience. And so I try to shield myself because if I expose my soul to completely to the world, if I leave nothing in between be and the world, I'm putting a lot of faith in something that has a notorious habit of utterly obliterating people. So regularly I expose my thoughts and feelings. There was that girl a few years ago who committed suicide from horrible comments on youtube, and Rebecca Black was just a girl who wanted to make a fun video, and we just brutally mocked her for it. Shit is scary, man. Because I know, I'll never hit my peak as a performer or as a writer if I don't remove the fear from what I do. As long as I censor my words and I hold back in my performances, I'll never be as good as I can be. I know for a fact that I will cry on stage this year. In front of everyone, because this will be my last high school show, and someone is probably going to give me flowers, and I'm a big crier. And I know I'll cry, I'll cry so hard. I'm like Sean Penn, except I haven't kissed James Franco. (Though if you read this James, hmu. I saw the movie the Night Before) Anyway, I know it's not expressly "masculine" to cry in front of people or insinuate that you'd kiss James Franco, but screw you. This is my blog, I'll say I'll kiss whoever I want.
I know the odds of me getting through life and not closing myself off to the world are slim to none, especially being a performer in the age of the internet. Like once my performances and my words go further in the world than the 60 or so of you who regularly read what I write and watch my shows, I'm going to get a lot of shitty feedback. A lot of people telling me that I like men and thus I should end my life. Like one or two people saying it bugs me, how will I deal with hundreds? The building of walls isn't just a metaphor from a Pink Floyd album, it's a logical conclusion, and the odds of me making it are dismal.
But never tell me the odds.
Happy Holidays
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
<3
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