So I guess this post opens at the close (I've been rereading harry potter lately,) because last night, my (now) ex dumped me. (Don't worry this isn't going to be all about the break up, there's a larger point here.)
I have a lot of feelings about it, but also a larger understanding that it was for the best. We were quite literally about to head opposite directions in life, and in the end the strain would have ruined the longest and the most stable and happy relationship I've ever had. And so, she had both the brains and the balls to end it before it was ruined.
And it hurts, I'll tell you it hurts. I went to bed last night hoping I'd wake up and it was a dream. (Spoiler, unless this is a Christopher Nolan movie or an Episode of Doctor Who, it wasn't a dream) And so I woke up, and that was the reality in which I now lived. And I don't want to go into the break up, not really. She initiated it, it was a kind and peaceful break up, and I cried. I cried a lot. But it was good, I needed to, too often I bottle my emotions up and I don't let myself feel and then four years later I have to announce to my parents and the world I lost my virginity at 14 to a girl who cheated on me because it was still ruining my life. So I'm killing the hydra at its source and I'm talking about it now.
It hurt, it still hurts, 20 hours later. It will hurt tomorrow and likely for a while. I'm taking time off from dating, not because I think it's right but I'm emotionally incapable of dating right now. I'm being shitty to my friends because I feel incapable of making most decisions. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need to ask for to ask for help. I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know what will help me.
Truthfully I want her back. But I know that won't fix things. I know that won't fix me.
I think people think I'm a lot more emotionally open than I am, but it's truthfully very hard to open up to people on an intimate level. Like and tell people how I feel. I can write this blog because no one who reads it is really going to attack me, or what have you. It's a safe space where I can express a certain level of emotional honesty without having to be intimate about it. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, part of a break up is people, (And thank you to everyone who has checked up on me, it means the world to me. I just honestly am at such a loss on what to ask for in terms of help. I don't know what I need and I don't know what to tell you.) asking how you are and how they can help. And like I just said. I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know what will help. Time, I guess. Time will help. Honestly despite all the people around me who love me, I feel very alone. Because the one girl who I wanted to be with the most, knew, and for the best, that we couldn't remain together.
And it's hard, because this was the first time, that I thought maybe, it wouldn't end. That she was who I was supposed to be with forever. And that wasn't the case. And while that's such a high school thing, it's still a thing I felt, and it was real and valid to me.
It's for the best, I know it is. I'm leaving, and I've wanted to leave my whole life and now I can, no strings attached. But what hurts most is when you wanted that string there.
I want everyone to know, that I will be okay. I know in my heart I will get past this, I just need time. I need time and to keep moving forward. And one day, I will wake up, and I will realize that I am over it, and the pain is gone. Because I'm sad, and the pain is there, but the pain is not my mood, it's just something I carry with me, I live my life continuing to do what I do every day, and I carry the hurt with me and I exist and I feel other emotions at the same time. And one day, I'll come back to ground zero, or maybe I'll find a new one. Maybe this is a reboot for me. Maybe like how in Archer they keep like "Rebooting" the series every season, that's just what's happening. I'm forced into new circumstances and I have to do what I always do and that's power through and kick ass.
It's not like last time, I'm not broken, I'm not suicidal, I'm not self destructive. I'm okay, I'm just sad, and in time I won't be sad. And until then I pray everyone has the patience to let me be sad. I don't need to be fixed. I just need people to love me and tolerate me until I'm back to the smartass we all know and love. I'll get there, just give me time.
I'm okay because I know part of love is opening yourself up completely and accepting the risk you'll be hurt. And I was hurt, but I wouldn't trade this pain for anything in the world. What I learned and what I now have, it's worth the pain. I learned, I grew, I like tea now, I can appreciate Shakespeare, I read Pride and Prejudice, I came out as bisexual. I learned to open up and surrender myself to one person. Someday, someday I will be able to do it again. All these things, they're worth the pain because in the end they made me a more interesting and better person. They made me who I am, and I'm happy with who I am. The pain will pass, this too shall pass, but me, I won't. I'm here for good.
I was told last night, this is a blessing in disguise, that this is for the best. Because this made me who I am, and while I hurt now, I get to present this new kickass Bailey to Boston, and change the whole damn world if I please.
For now, I'll keep writing, and I'll keep doing my best.
Thank you all for reading.
Thanks for being my therapist, internet.
I love you,
love,
Bailey S. Fox <3
(Now Ex, if you read this I'm sorry, I know you hate when I'd write about you, but this is how I cope and I needed this.)
I have a lot of feelings about it, but also a larger understanding that it was for the best. We were quite literally about to head opposite directions in life, and in the end the strain would have ruined the longest and the most stable and happy relationship I've ever had. And so, she had both the brains and the balls to end it before it was ruined.
And it hurts, I'll tell you it hurts. I went to bed last night hoping I'd wake up and it was a dream. (Spoiler, unless this is a Christopher Nolan movie or an Episode of Doctor Who, it wasn't a dream) And so I woke up, and that was the reality in which I now lived. And I don't want to go into the break up, not really. She initiated it, it was a kind and peaceful break up, and I cried. I cried a lot. But it was good, I needed to, too often I bottle my emotions up and I don't let myself feel and then four years later I have to announce to my parents and the world I lost my virginity at 14 to a girl who cheated on me because it was still ruining my life. So I'm killing the hydra at its source and I'm talking about it now.
It hurt, it still hurts, 20 hours later. It will hurt tomorrow and likely for a while. I'm taking time off from dating, not because I think it's right but I'm emotionally incapable of dating right now. I'm being shitty to my friends because I feel incapable of making most decisions. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need to ask for to ask for help. I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know what will help me.
Truthfully I want her back. But I know that won't fix things. I know that won't fix me.
I think people think I'm a lot more emotionally open than I am, but it's truthfully very hard to open up to people on an intimate level. Like and tell people how I feel. I can write this blog because no one who reads it is really going to attack me, or what have you. It's a safe space where I can express a certain level of emotional honesty without having to be intimate about it. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, part of a break up is people, (And thank you to everyone who has checked up on me, it means the world to me. I just honestly am at such a loss on what to ask for in terms of help. I don't know what I need and I don't know what to tell you.) asking how you are and how they can help. And like I just said. I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know what will help. Time, I guess. Time will help. Honestly despite all the people around me who love me, I feel very alone. Because the one girl who I wanted to be with the most, knew, and for the best, that we couldn't remain together.
And it's hard, because this was the first time, that I thought maybe, it wouldn't end. That she was who I was supposed to be with forever. And that wasn't the case. And while that's such a high school thing, it's still a thing I felt, and it was real and valid to me.
It's for the best, I know it is. I'm leaving, and I've wanted to leave my whole life and now I can, no strings attached. But what hurts most is when you wanted that string there.
I want everyone to know, that I will be okay. I know in my heart I will get past this, I just need time. I need time and to keep moving forward. And one day, I will wake up, and I will realize that I am over it, and the pain is gone. Because I'm sad, and the pain is there, but the pain is not my mood, it's just something I carry with me, I live my life continuing to do what I do every day, and I carry the hurt with me and I exist and I feel other emotions at the same time. And one day, I'll come back to ground zero, or maybe I'll find a new one. Maybe this is a reboot for me. Maybe like how in Archer they keep like "Rebooting" the series every season, that's just what's happening. I'm forced into new circumstances and I have to do what I always do and that's power through and kick ass.
It's not like last time, I'm not broken, I'm not suicidal, I'm not self destructive. I'm okay, I'm just sad, and in time I won't be sad. And until then I pray everyone has the patience to let me be sad. I don't need to be fixed. I just need people to love me and tolerate me until I'm back to the smartass we all know and love. I'll get there, just give me time.
I'm okay because I know part of love is opening yourself up completely and accepting the risk you'll be hurt. And I was hurt, but I wouldn't trade this pain for anything in the world. What I learned and what I now have, it's worth the pain. I learned, I grew, I like tea now, I can appreciate Shakespeare, I read Pride and Prejudice, I came out as bisexual. I learned to open up and surrender myself to one person. Someday, someday I will be able to do it again. All these things, they're worth the pain because in the end they made me a more interesting and better person. They made me who I am, and I'm happy with who I am. The pain will pass, this too shall pass, but me, I won't. I'm here for good.
I was told last night, this is a blessing in disguise, that this is for the best. Because this made me who I am, and while I hurt now, I get to present this new kickass Bailey to Boston, and change the whole damn world if I please.
For now, I'll keep writing, and I'll keep doing my best.
Thank you all for reading.
Thanks for being my therapist, internet.
I love you,
love,
Bailey S. Fox <3
(Now Ex, if you read this I'm sorry, I know you hate when I'd write about you, but this is how I cope and I needed this.)
