Just You Wait

Today I'm talking about Hamilton: An American Musical.

This has been one of the biggest things in my life as of late, and I feel I should tell my tale of.
I remember the first time I heard of it. I was opening Buffalo Wild Wings listening to my favorite podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

You know who else is a big MBMBaM fan?

Lin Manuel Miranda.

And he was a guest, and it came up on the podcast, I was so excited. He was so cool on the podcast, so humble and real. Human, he gave me the courage I needed to launch myself back into the world of acting and writing.

To tell you the truth I was considering quitting. My last show had been Fiddler on the Roof, and it hadn't been the best for me. I felt alienated by the cast. I screwed up a show. I felt talentless. There was this makeup girl who knew me before I knew her and she was not my biggest fan.

And had it not been for Lin Manuel Miranda's guest spot on MBMBaM I'd be in a different place right now. I wouldn't have been George Banks in Mary Poppins, or any subsequent role I had after. I wouldn't be close to any of the people I am now. I wouldn't have convinced that makeup girl that I was an alright guy.

So let's fastforward a year-ish. And Hamilton the Musical is released on Amazon. And I'll tell you, that changed my life right then and there.

Alexander Hamilton was a protagonist unlike anyone I had ever experienced.

He was flawed. He was afraid. Alexander Hamilton by way of Lin Manuel Miranda was this braggadocios man, an explosion of humanity. He wasn't some kind of invincible tower, he wasn't machoman. He was human, he felt, he cried, he loved, he feared. He was arrogant and argumentative. He was angry and heroic and brave and brash. He made mistakes and he shaped America. I suddenly found this courage within me that I didn't know lie there. 

I'm self-obsessed. I'm arrogant. I can be condescending, I can be over-reactive, I can be pretentious, long-winded, annoying, sappy, foolish, impulsive, alienating, I can be all kinds of things.
And Alexander Hamilton taught me that is okay.

That doesn't mean I can't be a hero, that doesn't mean I couldn't change the world, that doesn't mean I'm not a good man with potential to reach my dreams.

Alexander Hamilton taught me my words were something to be proud of, a tool, a weapon, a power, not some second-rate sissy ability that I had because I'm lousy at athletics.

There is this righteous passion, this conviction that Hamilton has as a character. And I don't think there is a better way to showcase this than in hip-hop. This isn't something you can just belt, this is a man who wrote more in half a life then most men wrote in a lifetime, you need the rapid-fire syncopation rhythms of hip-hop to do it. And sometimes it's traditional musical theater, but Hamilton really is something else entirely.

This might be less about the music and more about the ideas and what I learned. It's more personal than song by song, 46 songs are quite a lot to do a play by play on.
Hamilton possess this need to prove himself to everyone to the world.
"...this obnoxious, arrogant, loudmouth bother..."
I mean, that's me.

I have a lot of good ideas, and I am confident they're good ones. I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I'm making it up as I go along. I'm just doing my best and I'm here to change the whole damn world.
There are so many lessons I've learned from Hamilton.

Let's bring back the angry makeup girl who hated me.

Her ringtone is "My Shot" From Hamilton. 

Three months after I discovered this fact we'd stand in my driveway arguing over whether Aaron Burr was a good man or not. It would be one AM when this fight took place.

If you haven't picked up on this yet the angry makeup girl is Caitlin.

She argued, and the music proved that villains are a matter of perspective. Aaron Burr became "The villain in your (Hamilton's) Story"

And that changed my perspective on things a bit. Maybe the people I view as the villains in my life, as melodramatic as that sounds, are just people I have the wrong perspective on.

Reality is subjective, no one can really give you an unbiased account, we all remember our own stories in a biased point of view. And it's easy to argue that at many times Hamilton became the villain in other's stories, and perhaps I'm the villain in other's stories. You don't get to decide "Who lives, who dies, who tells you story."

There are so many times throughout Hamilton that I relate to it.

"Eliza, I don’t have a dollar to my name
An acre of land, a troop to command, a dollop of fame
All I have’s my honor, a tolerance for pain
A couple of college credits and my top-notch brain"

I'm not here to say that I'm the smartest, but I will admit and brag that I'm clever, and I work hard to gain knowledge and give myself the most information I can. I am broke as hell and I mean jack squat to the world right now. I have nothing to offer except the clothes on my back and my wits. 

But again it's that desire, that drive, that hunger for more. For fame, for notoriety, to change the world.
The hunger to make a difference, to make a wave, to matter. 

I am the speck screaming at the universe that I matter.

I have the arrogance to believe that I, Bailey Olmstead, a nobody from nowhere can change the world.

I have the arrogance to believe that I, Bailey Olmstead, will be more than I am, more than what I have, I can rise above status and situation and create something, maybe not a whole country, but I'll be damned if I go quietly into the night.

The worlds gonna know my name.

Just you wait.

There is a reason this has blown up in the way it has, because the message of the underdog is an American story, Hamilton is an American story.

I'm not the only one this musical has made feel the way it has, and that's the idea.
On July 20th I will be going to New York City to see Hamilton, and I can't wait for my life to change once more. 

I'm going to need a lot of tissues.

There is a picture online of the first time Lin Manuel Miranda performed Hamilton, all those years ago. When he said the now iconic words "My Name is Alexander Hamilton" They had to pause for laughter, it was so ridiculous to people. Sunday night they had to pause for the screaming applause.
"They will laugh, keep writing." Lin tweeted to a young aspiring writer.

That hit home.

That really did.

I've spent a lot of time as the butt end of a joke, but hey, My Name is Bailey Olmstead, I'm only 17 but my mind is older. And I think I can do this, I know I can do this. 

I'm going to change the world.

Just you wait.

Sincerely,

Not Quite 1001 American Nights

It's been 2 years, 12,000+ views, 70 posts, over 100,000 words, hundreds of bad puns, and the constant emotional support of you, my friends and audience who read these. Thank you all, now and forever. What on Earth could I write about after two years? Well, I'm here to write about the one thing, depending on who you ask, I'm either the foremost expert in, or the least qualified person to ask.

They say to be considered and expert on anything you have to be at it for 10,000 hours.

Which is why this week I'm talking about relationships.

I know what some of the older readers are going to say (Dad, I'm typing at you here.) But, I think I have as much right to talk about his as I have had every other topic, so let's get down to it.

In this blog I have written about many girlfriends, and had others through out the course of my existance, and it's weird to me to be someone who is defined by that fact. Because to me it makes up such a smaller portion of who I am, but if you've met me in the last 5 years most likely the first words out of your mouth would have been "oh, you dated Insert ex's name here." And there is legitimacy to that, I really have dated a lot of people, 17 if you go by the Trumansburg count. And that's something I'm more ashamed of that I let on a lot of the time, I'm not ashamed of the women I've dated, and I won't ever be, because regardless of the comentary and thoughts of others, at one point or another I really did have feelings for these women, healthy or not, and therefore I shouldn't be ashamed.

No one should make you feel ashamed for how you feel/felt.

And in these five years, 17 girls, and any other number of psuedo/almost/near miss relationships I've had, I've learned a lot. And that's what I'm here to talk about.

Date someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

Duh.

Right?

I feel like John Mulaney and I are the only two people who missed out on that memo, but I have date women who have made me hate myself, adn only in time and growth have I learned that. I guess since I hated myself and I thought I was a piece of shit I also assumed that the women I date were supposed to reinforce that thought. As the book Perks of Being a Wallflower  so rightfully said, we accept the love we think we deserve.

Just remember, you're better than that.

I'm better than that.

Don't date a cheater.

Duh.

Right?

Context.

But seriously, that is a concious choice, and if they made it before they're likely to make it again and while redemtion is possible, the odds certainly aren't in your favor.

Don't leave your friends for them.

If they ask you to choice them or your friends, choose your friends, your freinds aren't going to sleep with their ex boyfriend instead of seeing your concert and hearing your sweet ass solo.

Listen, you're going to be hurt in relationships, that's a given.

No one gets out of this world in one whole peice, but you can't let that screw up what you have now, I've been a closed off guy. I've walled myself up to the world and it's a miserable and lonely existance, the idea of becoming a jaded old man is really tempting, but you know what, if you ask me, I'd rather wear my heart on my sleeve than ever building more walls.

There are a lot of reasons to be with a person and marry them and everything.


I know that I am infact, not married and will not be for several years, that does not mean I haven't learned something about it.

There are a lot of reasons to spend the rest of your life with someone, but make sure for the love of god, make sure it isn't something that is going to change, because if that's the foundation and it crumbles, then it all goes to shit.

I throw myself into relationships, and sometimes, most of the time it's not to my advantage, but I also know that it's a lot harder to undo the walls than it is to repair the damage left by not having them in the first place. Over the years I constructed a me that wasn't me, and that's a werid thing to think about. And I sti here before you all and the me-est me I have ever been. I've left behind the fear, I've left behind the arrogance and the anger. I've left behind a lot, and I've lost a lot but I've gained so much that I'd give it up all over again to keep what I have.

It's okay to leave too through.

The only thing worse than a failed relationship is staying around too long. As most of you know I have lost myself many a time trying to save people who don't want to be saved. It's okay to leave. Please, especially if it's for your own good. No matter the residual guilt, it's alright to leave, this is the hardest lesson I've had to learn.

I've been with people because I was lonely, I've been with people because I was impulsive, I've been with people because I was horny, I know I'm hippocritical here, but I also have learned from my mistakes. I know it's easy to look at me and only see a serial dater, but I stand here, adn I will attest to the death that I cared about these people, every last one of them. And while I have had relationships notorious throughout the county I do not regret them because they have made me into who I am today, and I think I'm a good guy.

The girl I'm with, Caitlin (Hi cait!)

She's spectacular, and she's the whole world to me. And I  have to remember the lessons I've learned with her. Specifically not to be a pretentious dick. Relationships are a lot of work, and I've been doing my best not to let this one crumble into disrepair. And I think I've done a really good job, I think it's going really well. I know it is. It's the best I've ever known.

I think being in love is offering to give up everything you have to be with the person but being safe in knowing that you won't have to. I have that.

I also know that I am me with or without whatever S/O I have.

And it's hard, as someone with 16 exes who just came out as bisexual, because a lot of people (mom) have called me out and questioned me, because like, I've dated so many girls how on Earth can anyone be expected to believe I'm also attracted to men?

On the other had I fear that my guy friends think I'm hitting on them when I'm just trying to be nice, regardless of what genitalia I am into I'm a really nice guy.

I also think the most important thing I've gained is female friends that I don't want to date or sleep with or anything. Female friends who are jsut friends, like every other friend I have, and I think it's dumb that people say you can't have friends of the gender you are attracted to.

It's dumb.

Society is dumb.

The virginity construct is a dumb idea, but until as a society we all let it go, then we will never be free of the irreparable damage it can cause.

Look at this kid, that's me four years ago Monday, he is two weeks away from losing his virginity and changing his life forever. That kid is someone totally different from who I am now and it's insane to me to think that we're the same person.

Listen kid, keep your head up, you'll figure it out someday. Until then, keep writing. 

And listen a lot of you might have gone through something similar, some of you might not want relationships, and I get that. All of you are perfect, no matter what you prefer.

I'm still learning and I'm still making mistakes. But hey, I think there is something special about this one.

I love her, I really do. I think I got it right this time, I really do.

Thank you for two successful years, when I stared this I couldn't imagine this level of love, success, or readership, thank you all. You're all wonderful people!

Also happy Valentines Day!

See you next week!

Godspeed.

I love you all.

<3

Sincerely, 

Bailey S. Fox

In the End

I'm really bad at being weekly, I'm sorry, I'll be better.

I have a feeling this one is going to get more poetic and maybe even borderline pretentious at points but that's just how I'm dealing with the topic, ya feel?

Anyway, when I was younger, when I was trying to sleep sometimes, a lot of times I'd lie in bed and start crying, because I realized everyone I know is going to die, a lot of them likely within my lifetime. And that's some heavy shit to think about, especially at 9 years old.

Endings have always been complex for me.

As I writer I have have struggled with them at times, as the plot occasionally just get's away from me and I struggle with bringing it back to center. This was more often a problem when I was younger and writing creative pieces for school. I'm better now, at least I hope.

Even endings for a TV show, I can put off finishing for weeks or years (Sorry, Jeffrey Ill finish it I swear) I crave resolution but I fear it at the same time. Like what do you do in the end? That's what we've been asking ourselves for millennium, isn't it?

That's why we make medicines to live longer and bigger guns to make the people that scare us live less.

I've always had a weird fascination with death. You can see it in my writing and my story ideas. Death is one of my three principal fears. (Spiders, death, and needles) Even old stories I wrote had to do with cheating death, or dying and coming back, or even the fountain of youth. Like, for such a happy go lucky kid I think about death a lot. I think about it crossing the road and just in my day to day. And not in a morose suicidal way, just in a way where I'm so afraid and yet so fascinated at the same time.

I've known all my previous relationships would end. I've imagined how and when my friendships will end. It's hard. It's not just dying it's ending.

I've struggled with my ending here at Newfield. In six months I'm done, I take my final bow and the curtain closes, and they've all said I'm destined to move on to grander stages than this little town, but the world is full of stories of failed prodigies and they all haunt me. The promise of glory and bettering the world and being able to go out and tell my stories but so many sparks so much brighter than I have been snuffed out by the world, and what is to say that I'm exempt from the tragedy? The ghosts of failure haunts me, and yet I still so badly to join the ranks of the heroes. I want to succeed. I'm safe here, I can't fail here. But what if I'm not good enough in the real world. What if my lack of success here isn't because I'm destined for greater, and what if it's just simply because I'm not good enough? And yet despite my fears in six months I'm going to gamble hundreds of thousands of dollars and bank on the fact that I think I am good enough. And the only thing I fear more than failure is a miserable life of unfulfilled dreams.

My passion fuels me so fiercely.

I'm working myself to the bone and yet I don't feel weariness. I always want to do more, I'm always willing to do more, I want to do as much as I can.

Maybe I'm not the chosen one but I can be the one who tries enough shit out that maybe he'll make it anyway.

I'm obsessed with and terrified by my own story.

This blog has been my story. This blog is and will continue to be my story.

But parts of my story scare me. The parts where I fall apart and all I wish is for nothingness, the parts where I'm the villain in my own story. The parts where I lose, the parts where I'm hurtful and cruel and all kinds of horrible things.

I am more confident than ever that I'm a good man, but that doesn't mean I always was, and that doesn't mean I always will be. I'm afraid that I'm going to grow cocky or that people will think I am and they won't see the work I'm putting in and they'll think that I'm lazy and they will think that I'm not on board. I'm afraid to become the bad guy again.

I wan't to be the hero, I want to rise above and save the day.

I'm going to talk about Hamilton.

It's always going to come to Hamilton.

I really feel Hamilton, like Alexander Hamilton. The feeling of being disadvantaged, of being at odd with the world. Of this righteous passion just to do something. To stand up and fight, to write my way out of anything and through anything. I write all the time, I need to write more. I want to write more. I'm going to write more.

Where I differ from Hamilton is that I've always been too afraid to stand up to people. To defend myself and those I love and what I believe in and it's time to stop.

I need to stand up for myself and what I believe in and those I love more. I've spent so much of my life afraid of not being accepted I have become complacent at times and weak spined. I need to buck up and stand up, it's time to stop being afraid. It's time to be brave, not just physically but emotionally.

And I guess this is what it all boils down to, isn't it?

I've spent so much of my life afraid. I'm not going to fit in by appeasing, history has shown us what happens to the appeasers, it's very easy to feign appeasing for diplomacy, and maybe that's where I started. But I can't justify spending my life as a coward. I am no coward. I don't fear that I'm going to break up with my girlfriend. I don't fear that I'm going to die, I'm not going to fear failure. I'm going to fear a life unfulfilled. I'm going to let that fear ignite my passion. I'll see you all on the flip side, maybe in 10 years I'll read this and laugh because I'll have made it. Maybe in 10 years I'll be in a different place than I could have ever imagined. But I know that I'll do my damndest to be happy.

Because in the end, it won't be me telling my story, it will be those I loved. It will be those who loved me, and I hope my story does them justice. And I hope some far off day 90 years from now when I die, I won't be a figure of tragedy, but in fact, I will be a beacon of hope, for people to look up for. I hope my story is something inspiring and it will help those who feel disadvantaged and at odds with the world. I hope that my story does my work and my love justice. I hope I honor those who stood by me and loved me.

I'll do my best.

Maybe my obsession and fear of endings has fostered a new beginning.

No, it has. Not maybe.

It's a new beginning.

For tomorrow is a new day, and I will accomplish a great many things.

I have a lot of tomorrows to do it.

 I'm done being a man ruled by fear, I am ready to be a man fueled by passion.

This is my promise to you.

To me.

As Marty McFly probably kinda said:

"Who the fuck you calling chicken?"

Godspeed

I love you all <3

-Bailey S. Fox