I'm really bad at being weekly, I'm sorry, I'll be better.
I have a feeling this one is going to get more poetic and maybe even borderline pretentious at points but that's just how I'm dealing with the topic, ya feel?
Anyway, when I was younger, when I was trying to sleep sometimes, a lot of times I'd lie in bed and start crying, because I realized everyone I know is going to die, a lot of them likely within my lifetime. And that's some heavy shit to think about, especially at 9 years old.
Endings have always been complex for me.
As I writer I have have struggled with them at times, as the plot occasionally just get's away from me and I struggle with bringing it back to center. This was more often a problem when I was younger and writing creative pieces for school. I'm better now, at least I hope.
Even endings for a TV show, I can put off finishing for weeks or years (Sorry, Jeffrey Ill finish it I swear) I crave resolution but I fear it at the same time. Like what do you do in the end? That's what we've been asking ourselves for millennium, isn't it?
That's why we make medicines to live longer and bigger guns to make the people that scare us live less.
I've always had a weird fascination with death. You can see it in my writing and my story ideas. Death is one of my three principal fears. (Spiders, death, and needles) Even old stories I wrote had to do with cheating death, or dying and coming back, or even the fountain of youth. Like, for such a happy go lucky kid I think about death a lot. I think about it crossing the road and just in my day to day. And not in a morose suicidal way, just in a way where I'm so afraid and yet so fascinated at the same time.
I've known all my previous relationships would end. I've imagined how and when my friendships will end. It's hard. It's not just dying it's ending.
I've struggled with my ending here at Newfield. In six months I'm done, I take my final bow and the curtain closes, and they've all said I'm destined to move on to grander stages than this little town, but the world is full of stories of failed prodigies and they all haunt me. The promise of glory and bettering the world and being able to go out and tell my stories but so many sparks so much brighter than I have been snuffed out by the world, and what is to say that I'm exempt from the tragedy? The ghosts of failure haunts me, and yet I still so badly to join the ranks of the heroes. I want to succeed. I'm safe here, I can't fail here. But what if I'm not good enough in the real world. What if my lack of success here isn't because I'm destined for greater, and what if it's just simply because I'm not good enough? And yet despite my fears in six months I'm going to gamble hundreds of thousands of dollars and bank on the fact that I think I am good enough. And the only thing I fear more than failure is a miserable life of unfulfilled dreams.
My passion fuels me so fiercely.
I'm working myself to the bone and yet I don't feel weariness. I always want to do more, I'm always willing to do more, I want to do as much as I can.
Maybe I'm not the chosen one but I can be the one who tries enough shit out that maybe he'll make it anyway.
I'm obsessed with and terrified by my own story.
This blog has been my story. This blog is and will continue to be my story.
But parts of my story scare me. The parts where I fall apart and all I wish is for nothingness, the parts where I'm the villain in my own story. The parts where I lose, the parts where I'm hurtful and cruel and all kinds of horrible things.
I am more confident than ever that I'm a good man, but that doesn't mean I always was, and that doesn't mean I always will be. I'm afraid that I'm going to grow cocky or that people will think I am and they won't see the work I'm putting in and they'll think that I'm lazy and they will think that I'm not on board. I'm afraid to become the bad guy again.
I wan't to be the hero, I want to rise above and save the day.
I'm going to talk about Hamilton.
It's always going to come to Hamilton.
I really feel Hamilton, like Alexander Hamilton. The feeling of being disadvantaged, of being at odd with the world. Of this righteous passion just to do something. To stand up and fight, to write my way out of anything and through anything. I write all the time, I need to write more. I want to write more. I'm going to write more.
Where I differ from Hamilton is that I've always been too afraid to stand up to people. To defend myself and those I love and what I believe in and it's time to stop.
I need to stand up for myself and what I believe in and those I love more. I've spent so much of my life afraid of not being accepted I have become complacent at times and weak spined. I need to buck up and stand up, it's time to stop being afraid. It's time to be brave, not just physically but emotionally.
And I guess this is what it all boils down to, isn't it?
I've spent so much of my life afraid. I'm not going to fit in by appeasing, history has shown us what happens to the appeasers, it's very easy to feign appeasing for diplomacy, and maybe that's where I started. But I can't justify spending my life as a coward. I am no coward. I don't fear that I'm going to break up with my girlfriend. I don't fear that I'm going to die, I'm not going to fear failure. I'm going to fear a life unfulfilled. I'm going to let that fear ignite my passion. I'll see you all on the flip side, maybe in 10 years I'll read this and laugh because I'll have made it. Maybe in 10 years I'll be in a different place than I could have ever imagined. But I know that I'll do my damndest to be happy.
Because in the end, it won't be me telling my story, it will be those I loved. It will be those who loved me, and I hope my story does them justice. And I hope some far off day 90 years from now when I die, I won't be a figure of tragedy, but in fact, I will be a beacon of hope, for people to look up for. I hope my story is something inspiring and it will help those who feel disadvantaged and at odds with the world. I hope that my story does my work and my love justice. I hope I honor those who stood by me and loved me.
I'll do my best.
Maybe my obsession and fear of endings has fostered a new beginning.
No, it has. Not maybe.
It's a new beginning.
For tomorrow is a new day, and I will accomplish a great many things.
I have a lot of tomorrows to do it.
I'm done being a man ruled by fear, I am ready to be a man fueled by passion.
This is my promise to you.
To me.
As Marty McFly probably kinda said:
"Who the fuck you calling chicken?"
Godspeed
I love you all <3
-Bailey S. Fox
I have a feeling this one is going to get more poetic and maybe even borderline pretentious at points but that's just how I'm dealing with the topic, ya feel?
Anyway, when I was younger, when I was trying to sleep sometimes, a lot of times I'd lie in bed and start crying, because I realized everyone I know is going to die, a lot of them likely within my lifetime. And that's some heavy shit to think about, especially at 9 years old.
Endings have always been complex for me.
As I writer I have have struggled with them at times, as the plot occasionally just get's away from me and I struggle with bringing it back to center. This was more often a problem when I was younger and writing creative pieces for school. I'm better now, at least I hope.
Even endings for a TV show, I can put off finishing for weeks or years (Sorry, Jeffrey Ill finish it I swear) I crave resolution but I fear it at the same time. Like what do you do in the end? That's what we've been asking ourselves for millennium, isn't it?
That's why we make medicines to live longer and bigger guns to make the people that scare us live less.
I've always had a weird fascination with death. You can see it in my writing and my story ideas. Death is one of my three principal fears. (Spiders, death, and needles) Even old stories I wrote had to do with cheating death, or dying and coming back, or even the fountain of youth. Like, for such a happy go lucky kid I think about death a lot. I think about it crossing the road and just in my day to day. And not in a morose suicidal way, just in a way where I'm so afraid and yet so fascinated at the same time.
I've known all my previous relationships would end. I've imagined how and when my friendships will end. It's hard. It's not just dying it's ending.
I've struggled with my ending here at Newfield. In six months I'm done, I take my final bow and the curtain closes, and they've all said I'm destined to move on to grander stages than this little town, but the world is full of stories of failed prodigies and they all haunt me. The promise of glory and bettering the world and being able to go out and tell my stories but so many sparks so much brighter than I have been snuffed out by the world, and what is to say that I'm exempt from the tragedy? The ghosts of failure haunts me, and yet I still so badly to join the ranks of the heroes. I want to succeed. I'm safe here, I can't fail here. But what if I'm not good enough in the real world. What if my lack of success here isn't because I'm destined for greater, and what if it's just simply because I'm not good enough? And yet despite my fears in six months I'm going to gamble hundreds of thousands of dollars and bank on the fact that I think I am good enough. And the only thing I fear more than failure is a miserable life of unfulfilled dreams.
My passion fuels me so fiercely.
I'm working myself to the bone and yet I don't feel weariness. I always want to do more, I'm always willing to do more, I want to do as much as I can.
Maybe I'm not the chosen one but I can be the one who tries enough shit out that maybe he'll make it anyway.
I'm obsessed with and terrified by my own story.
This blog has been my story. This blog is and will continue to be my story.
But parts of my story scare me. The parts where I fall apart and all I wish is for nothingness, the parts where I'm the villain in my own story. The parts where I lose, the parts where I'm hurtful and cruel and all kinds of horrible things.
I am more confident than ever that I'm a good man, but that doesn't mean I always was, and that doesn't mean I always will be. I'm afraid that I'm going to grow cocky or that people will think I am and they won't see the work I'm putting in and they'll think that I'm lazy and they will think that I'm not on board. I'm afraid to become the bad guy again.
I wan't to be the hero, I want to rise above and save the day.
I'm going to talk about Hamilton.
It's always going to come to Hamilton.
I really feel Hamilton, like Alexander Hamilton. The feeling of being disadvantaged, of being at odd with the world. Of this righteous passion just to do something. To stand up and fight, to write my way out of anything and through anything. I write all the time, I need to write more. I want to write more. I'm going to write more.
Where I differ from Hamilton is that I've always been too afraid to stand up to people. To defend myself and those I love and what I believe in and it's time to stop.
I need to stand up for myself and what I believe in and those I love more. I've spent so much of my life afraid of not being accepted I have become complacent at times and weak spined. I need to buck up and stand up, it's time to stop being afraid. It's time to be brave, not just physically but emotionally.
And I guess this is what it all boils down to, isn't it?
I've spent so much of my life afraid. I'm not going to fit in by appeasing, history has shown us what happens to the appeasers, it's very easy to feign appeasing for diplomacy, and maybe that's where I started. But I can't justify spending my life as a coward. I am no coward. I don't fear that I'm going to break up with my girlfriend. I don't fear that I'm going to die, I'm not going to fear failure. I'm going to fear a life unfulfilled. I'm going to let that fear ignite my passion. I'll see you all on the flip side, maybe in 10 years I'll read this and laugh because I'll have made it. Maybe in 10 years I'll be in a different place than I could have ever imagined. But I know that I'll do my damndest to be happy.
Because in the end, it won't be me telling my story, it will be those I loved. It will be those who loved me, and I hope my story does them justice. And I hope some far off day 90 years from now when I die, I won't be a figure of tragedy, but in fact, I will be a beacon of hope, for people to look up for. I hope my story is something inspiring and it will help those who feel disadvantaged and at odds with the world. I hope that my story does my work and my love justice. I hope I honor those who stood by me and loved me.
I'll do my best.
Maybe my obsession and fear of endings has fostered a new beginning.
No, it has. Not maybe.
It's a new beginning.
For tomorrow is a new day, and I will accomplish a great many things.
I have a lot of tomorrows to do it.
I'm done being a man ruled by fear, I am ready to be a man fueled by passion.
This is my promise to you.
To me.
As Marty McFly probably kinda said:
"Who the fuck you calling chicken?"
Godspeed
I love you all <3
-Bailey S. Fox
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