If I was in a job interview and I was asked what my biggest flaw was I wouldn't have had an answer until last Wednesday, thanks to the passing of David Bowie and the acquisition of an outdated music medium, I finally came face to face with my biggest flaw: My Abandonment Issues.
Now please don't read this as I thought until now I had no flaws, or that I didn't know I had abandonment issues, I knew that. But what my biggest flaw was hard to pin down, there are so many it was hard to pin down, and I couldn't until I understood the scope of my abandonment issues.
Now this is going to be my most personal blog post, like by far so this is my disclaimer here, what you're about to read may be more than you wanted to know about me, but here we go.
Also, TRIGGER WARNING: This might be cause for a trigger if you are someone who has a bad relationship with sex or anything similar. I love you, and I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. But just in case, here is a warning.
There are two things you need to know,
One: Virginity is a social construct and you shouldn't let it rule your life. In fact, here is this video explaining why everything commonly known about the hymen is a myth. Virginity is fake, it's literally a shared idea similar to money. Once we stop believing in it then it doesn't matter anymore.
Two: Everything in section one is just a bunch of talk until we as a society actually all agree that virginity is a myth. Until then it's a very real part of a lot of people's lives. And for some people it can literally change their lives forever, for better or for worse.
If you're like me, you grew up hearing about how your first time should be special, it should be with someone that not only you care about, but they care just as much about you. This story takes place in the universe where virginity is a big deal, I wasn't introduced to the concept that virginity is a myth until it was far too late.
And here is where our story begins. 2012, it begins with the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower and my first real girlfriend. We will refer to her as Peggy, I want to be respectful to her privacy, plus, this story isn't about her, it's about me.
For our first date we saw the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, the David Bowie song Heroes is central to the plot. And me being 14, I wanted my life to be like the movies, albeit a sad as hell one. So the song became central to our relationship, because I was cheesy. Peggy was older than me by two years, I was young, I was stupid. My father had told me to be careful, because if your first time having sex causes you emotional harm, that's not something you can undo. There's no take backsies. But I was (Am) foolish, arrogant, and headstrong, I thought I was in love, I thought I was indestructible. I was wrong.
There was a dichotomy to the event. To me it was the biggest thing that had ever happened. To her, it was nothing. It wasn't her first time, it just was another thing to her. She asked me how I felt afterward. I felt awful, there was so much for me to be aware of now, a whole new world. That was the first anxiety attack I remember. That night. I didn't know what it was, but I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin. I felt like that every time it happened. I thought I was just nervous. I should have figured out what was wrong much sooner. But hindsight is 20/20 and I was (am) a stubborn son of a bitch,
A number of years before any of this happened my father had given me a David Bowie Cassette tape, Changes. It had all the his on it, Space Oddity, Changes, Ziggy Stardust, Let's Dance, and most importantly Heroes. The tape meant a lot to me, I was in love, I needed to give her something to show how in love I was, I needed to give her something meaningful, so I gave her a prized possession of mine, I gave her the tape. I wouldn't lose my virginity to her until 2013, I wouldn't lose my virginity to her until after she started cheating on me.
The primal rage I felt, the betrayal, the nothingness. It destroyed me.
I was no longer the boy I was when I met her. I was gone, I washed away. For the next few months I was whatever feelings I had. I wasn't.
I had friends who stood by me, while I reformed. But when I reformed, well I was new. I was different. It was like a supernova. The thing that resulted was something new constructed made out of the old. I was me, but I was new. And for a while I wasn't all that great. I'll be honest, I really let that trauma destroy a lot of me and a lot around me. And the me that resulted did a lot of harm to a lot of other people. I have always fear that I let that trauma make me into what I had feared. I hope I have righted the wrongs I committed. I'm sorry, I am. I can't let my problems become a crutch for me to lean on. I'm taking responsibility for the actions I committed, they were not anyone's fault but my own.
The other thing it did was give me abandonment issues. Issues I would not fully realize until last Wednesday. When I got my David Bowie Cassette back.
I had texted Peggy (That's the name I gave her, right?) Asking if she still had it. Now in the three years since we had broken up this was not the first interaction we had had since the break up, but it was different. There was no pretense. We were strangers, there was no false friendliness, there was no interest in the other. There was pure indifference. Maybe this was the most honest we had ever been with each other.
I got it back on a Wednesday, as I said. She didn't come see me, she left it in the office. I picked it up later.
That night I had my first rehearsal for Company, a show in which I'm A2 for (That's a really fancy term for technical director's bitch)
There is a character in it, who is played by my girlfriend, and she couldn't be more different from her, but the character freaked me out. And it wouldn't be until the next day until I figured it out.
The character is named Joanne, Joanne is an older woman, who is bitter, angry, controlling, indifferent, a serial marrier and a serial cheater.
She was the archetype of my ex, Peggy.
And the lines Joanne said I'm sure Peggy never said, but they were everything I imagined she said. Or would say. She didn't care about her husband, her third one that is. She spent the whole night talking about exes. And then as soon as he leaves she tries to sleep with the main character. And in it there is no seduction, no love, it's just blind indifference. It's such a non event for her. I could barely exist in the same room. It was bringing back such vivid flashbacks and anxiety. The next day I'd put it all together. The pieces fell into place.
I figured out what my damage was.
When ever things would start to get rough, or go wrong in a relationship, I'd start to isolate myself, I'd cut ties, I'd cauterize myself emotionally. I'd alienate myself and I'd leave. It was a survival tactic I needed to adopt. I couldn't go through another Peggy. So I guess in my trauma, I became the bad guy. I'd go all in on a relationship, I'd fall hard and fast, but once it went wrong, I was out. This was true even in the relationships that hadn't happened. I screwed up with girls before I even started officially dating, I'd be afraid they didn't like me and I'd burn the bridge and run. I'd run like hell.
With my last ex, (Hey, I've been told you read these still, so this might be a little awkward, but hi, I hope this doesn't get too weird for you. But I've talked about us so much at this point anyway)
With my last ex it became a cycle, things would go rough, I'd cut myself off, but before I left she'd convince me to come back, and I'd have to undo to myself what I did, undo the damage and the cutting off, and each time that happened I lost more of myself. I eroded more and more, I began to dissipate. I became nothing again, but this time because of myself. I left when there was nothing left of me to give. I don't blame her (you) for this, it was a mutual failing on both our parts. I'm sorry.
It's taken me so long to realize this damage because it's been so close to me. I thought that it wasn't my fault that things went wrong. I didn't get that I was leaving and cutting myself off, I just thought the relationship was bad and I needed to leave, or be left.
I don't blame others for what happened to me. It's been to long for it to be anyone else's fault. I didn't have to have sex with her, I didn't have to date her, it was my choice. I don't regret it, I mean I do and don't at the same time. It made me who I am, and there are pros and cons to that. I don't really remember what I was like beforehand, not really. I just know who I remember I was like. And I don't think I was great. Maybe I'm not great now, but I want to believe I'm better than I would have been had I not gone through that. I think I need to believe that going through that made me a better person, because otherwise it's really hard to live with at times. It's a lot of shame, truthfully but it's a livable shame if it made me a better person.
It's a lot of existential thinking, really. I've spent this whole time in crisis thinking about it because truthfully this is the first time I have written this all out and explained it. This is the longest I've spent grappling with it, fighting it. This is the first time I have squared up to my own issues. And I'm done letting them hurt the people I love. I'm done being insensitive and rude. I'm done being defined by this moment. Because this is something that happened, this is an event that happened, but it is not what defines me. Most of you who read this didn't know this about me. Maybe this changes what you thought about me, maybe it makes you like me more, maybe it makes you like me less. I'm not sure it matters.
I am done letting this rule my life. I'm not going to let these issues ruin another good thing. What I have now, what I have with Caitlin is a good thing, it's a great thing, it's the best thing I have ever known. And maybe it's naive to believe it will last, but I don't care that it is, because I believe in it. She knew this about me, she knew the baggage I carried and accepts me and loves me for who I am, maybe it's time to do the same for myself. And maybe it's time to let some of the baggage go.
I'm sorry, if you were a person affected by this, I'm sorry if you were a person that this happened to you. I hope this helps you, I hope this at least made an entertaining tale. Maybe you learned something.
Before this post I told my parents about it, I told my parents I wasn't a virgin, which was a humbling and terrifying experience for me, but I lied to them about it, and it's time to own up. It's time to stop feeling shame about it, it's time to stop being ruled by it. We all have our problems, mine don't make me special or exempt from doing wrong. It doesn't excuse the wrong that I have done. All I can hope is that I become better, that I work past this, I make this best thing work. I can hope that tomorrow I wake up a better man than I fell asleep. That I become more loving, more accepting, I become a better me, I become less insensitive and rude. I hope I help someone with this story, it'd be kind of a waste if I didn't. But at the same time it's important that I finally acknowledge this, I've been kicking around this blog post for awhile but it never became anything until the events of last Wednesday.
Thank you all for reading, I love you all.
Stay golden.
<3
Bailey S. Fox
Now please don't read this as I thought until now I had no flaws, or that I didn't know I had abandonment issues, I knew that. But what my biggest flaw was hard to pin down, there are so many it was hard to pin down, and I couldn't until I understood the scope of my abandonment issues.
Now this is going to be my most personal blog post, like by far so this is my disclaimer here, what you're about to read may be more than you wanted to know about me, but here we go.
Also, TRIGGER WARNING: This might be cause for a trigger if you are someone who has a bad relationship with sex or anything similar. I love you, and I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. But just in case, here is a warning.
There are two things you need to know,
One: Virginity is a social construct and you shouldn't let it rule your life. In fact, here is this video explaining why everything commonly known about the hymen is a myth. Virginity is fake, it's literally a shared idea similar to money. Once we stop believing in it then it doesn't matter anymore.
Two: Everything in section one is just a bunch of talk until we as a society actually all agree that virginity is a myth. Until then it's a very real part of a lot of people's lives. And for some people it can literally change their lives forever, for better or for worse.
If you're like me, you grew up hearing about how your first time should be special, it should be with someone that not only you care about, but they care just as much about you. This story takes place in the universe where virginity is a big deal, I wasn't introduced to the concept that virginity is a myth until it was far too late.
And here is where our story begins. 2012, it begins with the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower and my first real girlfriend. We will refer to her as Peggy, I want to be respectful to her privacy, plus, this story isn't about her, it's about me.
For our first date we saw the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, the David Bowie song Heroes is central to the plot. And me being 14, I wanted my life to be like the movies, albeit a sad as hell one. So the song became central to our relationship, because I was cheesy. Peggy was older than me by two years, I was young, I was stupid. My father had told me to be careful, because if your first time having sex causes you emotional harm, that's not something you can undo. There's no take backsies. But I was (Am) foolish, arrogant, and headstrong, I thought I was in love, I thought I was indestructible. I was wrong.
There was a dichotomy to the event. To me it was the biggest thing that had ever happened. To her, it was nothing. It wasn't her first time, it just was another thing to her. She asked me how I felt afterward. I felt awful, there was so much for me to be aware of now, a whole new world. That was the first anxiety attack I remember. That night. I didn't know what it was, but I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin. I felt like that every time it happened. I thought I was just nervous. I should have figured out what was wrong much sooner. But hindsight is 20/20 and I was (am) a stubborn son of a bitch,
A number of years before any of this happened my father had given me a David Bowie Cassette tape, Changes. It had all the his on it, Space Oddity, Changes, Ziggy Stardust, Let's Dance, and most importantly Heroes. The tape meant a lot to me, I was in love, I needed to give her something to show how in love I was, I needed to give her something meaningful, so I gave her a prized possession of mine, I gave her the tape. I wouldn't lose my virginity to her until 2013, I wouldn't lose my virginity to her until after she started cheating on me.
The primal rage I felt, the betrayal, the nothingness. It destroyed me.
I was no longer the boy I was when I met her. I was gone, I washed away. For the next few months I was whatever feelings I had. I wasn't.
I had friends who stood by me, while I reformed. But when I reformed, well I was new. I was different. It was like a supernova. The thing that resulted was something new constructed made out of the old. I was me, but I was new. And for a while I wasn't all that great. I'll be honest, I really let that trauma destroy a lot of me and a lot around me. And the me that resulted did a lot of harm to a lot of other people. I have always fear that I let that trauma make me into what I had feared. I hope I have righted the wrongs I committed. I'm sorry, I am. I can't let my problems become a crutch for me to lean on. I'm taking responsibility for the actions I committed, they were not anyone's fault but my own.
The other thing it did was give me abandonment issues. Issues I would not fully realize until last Wednesday. When I got my David Bowie Cassette back.
I had texted Peggy (That's the name I gave her, right?) Asking if she still had it. Now in the three years since we had broken up this was not the first interaction we had had since the break up, but it was different. There was no pretense. We were strangers, there was no false friendliness, there was no interest in the other. There was pure indifference. Maybe this was the most honest we had ever been with each other.
I got it back on a Wednesday, as I said. She didn't come see me, she left it in the office. I picked it up later.
That night I had my first rehearsal for Company, a show in which I'm A2 for (That's a really fancy term for technical director's bitch)
There is a character in it, who is played by my girlfriend, and she couldn't be more different from her, but the character freaked me out. And it wouldn't be until the next day until I figured it out.
The character is named Joanne, Joanne is an older woman, who is bitter, angry, controlling, indifferent, a serial marrier and a serial cheater.
She was the archetype of my ex, Peggy.
And the lines Joanne said I'm sure Peggy never said, but they were everything I imagined she said. Or would say. She didn't care about her husband, her third one that is. She spent the whole night talking about exes. And then as soon as he leaves she tries to sleep with the main character. And in it there is no seduction, no love, it's just blind indifference. It's such a non event for her. I could barely exist in the same room. It was bringing back such vivid flashbacks and anxiety. The next day I'd put it all together. The pieces fell into place.
I figured out what my damage was.
When ever things would start to get rough, or go wrong in a relationship, I'd start to isolate myself, I'd cut ties, I'd cauterize myself emotionally. I'd alienate myself and I'd leave. It was a survival tactic I needed to adopt. I couldn't go through another Peggy. So I guess in my trauma, I became the bad guy. I'd go all in on a relationship, I'd fall hard and fast, but once it went wrong, I was out. This was true even in the relationships that hadn't happened. I screwed up with girls before I even started officially dating, I'd be afraid they didn't like me and I'd burn the bridge and run. I'd run like hell.
With my last ex, (Hey, I've been told you read these still, so this might be a little awkward, but hi, I hope this doesn't get too weird for you. But I've talked about us so much at this point anyway)
With my last ex it became a cycle, things would go rough, I'd cut myself off, but before I left she'd convince me to come back, and I'd have to undo to myself what I did, undo the damage and the cutting off, and each time that happened I lost more of myself. I eroded more and more, I began to dissipate. I became nothing again, but this time because of myself. I left when there was nothing left of me to give. I don't blame her (you) for this, it was a mutual failing on both our parts. I'm sorry.
It's taken me so long to realize this damage because it's been so close to me. I thought that it wasn't my fault that things went wrong. I didn't get that I was leaving and cutting myself off, I just thought the relationship was bad and I needed to leave, or be left.
I don't blame others for what happened to me. It's been to long for it to be anyone else's fault. I didn't have to have sex with her, I didn't have to date her, it was my choice. I don't regret it, I mean I do and don't at the same time. It made me who I am, and there are pros and cons to that. I don't really remember what I was like beforehand, not really. I just know who I remember I was like. And I don't think I was great. Maybe I'm not great now, but I want to believe I'm better than I would have been had I not gone through that. I think I need to believe that going through that made me a better person, because otherwise it's really hard to live with at times. It's a lot of shame, truthfully but it's a livable shame if it made me a better person.
It's a lot of existential thinking, really. I've spent this whole time in crisis thinking about it because truthfully this is the first time I have written this all out and explained it. This is the longest I've spent grappling with it, fighting it. This is the first time I have squared up to my own issues. And I'm done letting them hurt the people I love. I'm done being insensitive and rude. I'm done being defined by this moment. Because this is something that happened, this is an event that happened, but it is not what defines me. Most of you who read this didn't know this about me. Maybe this changes what you thought about me, maybe it makes you like me more, maybe it makes you like me less. I'm not sure it matters.
I am done letting this rule my life. I'm not going to let these issues ruin another good thing. What I have now, what I have with Caitlin is a good thing, it's a great thing, it's the best thing I have ever known. And maybe it's naive to believe it will last, but I don't care that it is, because I believe in it. She knew this about me, she knew the baggage I carried and accepts me and loves me for who I am, maybe it's time to do the same for myself. And maybe it's time to let some of the baggage go.
I'm sorry, if you were a person affected by this, I'm sorry if you were a person that this happened to you. I hope this helps you, I hope this at least made an entertaining tale. Maybe you learned something.
Before this post I told my parents about it, I told my parents I wasn't a virgin, which was a humbling and terrifying experience for me, but I lied to them about it, and it's time to own up. It's time to stop feeling shame about it, it's time to stop being ruled by it. We all have our problems, mine don't make me special or exempt from doing wrong. It doesn't excuse the wrong that I have done. All I can hope is that I become better, that I work past this, I make this best thing work. I can hope that tomorrow I wake up a better man than I fell asleep. That I become more loving, more accepting, I become a better me, I become less insensitive and rude. I hope I help someone with this story, it'd be kind of a waste if I didn't. But at the same time it's important that I finally acknowledge this, I've been kicking around this blog post for awhile but it never became anything until the events of last Wednesday.
Thank you all for reading, I love you all.
Stay golden.
<3
Bailey S. Fox
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