It's hard to say what happiness is, because it's really a concept. I can see a small child smile on the street and be happy for a moment, but on a larger scale, I could be miserable. From what popular culture taught me, it's either a warm gun or daytime and nighttime, there's a lot of conflicting messages.
I want to be happy, but being happy is a lot scarier than being sad. Because sadness can't be taken away from you. There's no mourning the passing of a sad time in your life. But when you're happy, happiness can be taken away from you. And happiness can be romanticized to the point of impossibility. If you look back on a lot of your good memories they do that thing like at the end of Inside Out where they're both sad and happy. Or any combination of emotions, really, but that doesn't flow into the narrative I'm trying to write into here, does it?
A huge theme of my summer has been happiness, and chasing it. From the breakup, to thinking I never wanted another relationship, to then accidentally going on a date, to a new relationship. From parties, to friends, to concerts, to work, to writing, to walking, to seeing Hamilton, to any other number of things I haven't written in this list. I've spend the summer, for the first time in my life, doing things for my own sake, and honestly it's been the best summer of my life.
I'm not bending over backwards to try and make someone else happy, I'm not in love with an idea, I'm not being miserable for the sake of it, I'm loving the people I love, and most importantly loving myself.
Happiness is a tricky thing, last night, I talked my best friend out of suicide.
And I'm happy that I did it.
I wasn't happy in the moment, I was stressed and afraid and there was so much at stake, but with the help of her other friend, her parents, and a few others, I helped ensure the world was able to benefit from my friend's continued existence. I helped ensure I was able to benefit from it as well. There was not a moment I regretted helping. There was nothing that I thought was too much, I never felt my friend a burden. Only a friend, my best friend, who I knew would do anything for me.
And I'm happy I did that, I love to help people, it's what I do. I'm almost always willing to help anyone, always, I hope that my writing helps people. I write for me, it helps me understand and deal with how I feel, but I always home that my writing helps others. I hope that they know that they're not alone in this world with how they feel. That somewhere, someone else is feeling what they feel. And that they feel better about this.
Another example of the mixed bag is me coming out as bisexual, on one hand I felt this huge wave of relief when I did, I felt like I was being honest with myself, finally. On the other hand, I was met with a lot of new questions from people, a lot of new expectations I didn't know how to deal with. A lot I didn't know, I still don't. But I'm happy I did it, the effort I go through is worth the satisfaction I have of knowing I can be honest with myself and people about who I am.
I want to make a difference, in the world. I want my words to change something, even just one person's life. To make it better. I want people to know that I love them.
Because you need to claim happiness for yourself, you need to give your permission to feel happy, you need to forgive yourself for being happy. You have to accept that it's scary, that you can lose it, but that's what makes it worth feeling and having, because nothing gold can stay, ponyboy. But who the hell wants anything less? Go chase your bliss, claim it. I believe in you.
And that's really easy for me to preach from behind my computer screen. It's easy for me to idealize it, like it's that easy. I know it's not, I honestly know it's not. When I get bad, I stop sleeping, I stay up late, I get up early, I skip meals. I run myself down, pushing my soul against a grinder, it's my way of hurting myself because I feel I don't deserve happiness, health, or safety. And I have to rely on my friends to pull me out of that, because I can't do it myself. I'm too afraid. Because again, I can have that happiness, but I might lose it.
But I think that's why I stayed with my ex when things went down hill, I thought it's what I deserved. I thought that was going to be the happiest I was allowed to get. My emotions were tied to her whims, it was a roller coaster. I was a yo-yo. What I learned that it's better to be miserable on your own accord than rely on another for your happiness. I hold no ill feelings against my ex, because she too deserves happiness, and if anything, we were making each other miserable. I hope she's doing well.
Anyway, back on subject, happiness is a slippery thing. And that's what makes it valuable, if we were able to be happy all the time, then it'd be much less worthwhile. Happiness is not a destination. You can't follow the treasure map, ecstasy does not mark the spot, happiness is something you always have to work for, and you're not always going to be happy, and that's okay. It's okay to not be happy, but you deserve happiness. You shouldn't appease others at the cost of yourself. Other people shouldn't be relying on you for their happiness, you make yourself happy, other people can worry about themselves. Love one another, do nice things for one another, but make yourself happy first and foremost.
I think we should all tell each other we love each other more. Tell the people you love that you love them, every second. Not even because it might be the last time you get to, but because you deserve to be honest with how you feel. And they deserve to know how you feel. Love, tell the world you love, wear your heart on your sleeve and be proud of it. Do not become hard in this shitty world, be vulnerable, be loving, because that is strength. Take chances, be stupid, be naive, be young, be virtuous, be late, be on time. Be whatever the hell makes you happy. The world will be a better place, you can make the world a better place, love.
Stay alive, do not just exist but live. The world is a beautiful place, you're a beautiful people, the world deserves you, and you deserve the world. It's worth it to be alive. I promise.
And
I need to claim happiness for myself, I need to give myself permission to feel happy, I need to forgive myself for being happy. I have to accept that it's scary, that I can lose it, but that's what makes it worth feeling and having, because nothing gold can stay, ponyboy. But who the hell wants anything less? I'll go chase my bliss, I'll claim it. I believe in me.
I am trying to be happy, every day.
I love you all,
Chase your bliss,
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
I want to be happy, but being happy is a lot scarier than being sad. Because sadness can't be taken away from you. There's no mourning the passing of a sad time in your life. But when you're happy, happiness can be taken away from you. And happiness can be romanticized to the point of impossibility. If you look back on a lot of your good memories they do that thing like at the end of Inside Out where they're both sad and happy. Or any combination of emotions, really, but that doesn't flow into the narrative I'm trying to write into here, does it?
A huge theme of my summer has been happiness, and chasing it. From the breakup, to thinking I never wanted another relationship, to then accidentally going on a date, to a new relationship. From parties, to friends, to concerts, to work, to writing, to walking, to seeing Hamilton, to any other number of things I haven't written in this list. I've spend the summer, for the first time in my life, doing things for my own sake, and honestly it's been the best summer of my life.
I'm not bending over backwards to try and make someone else happy, I'm not in love with an idea, I'm not being miserable for the sake of it, I'm loving the people I love, and most importantly loving myself.
Happiness is a tricky thing, last night, I talked my best friend out of suicide.
And I'm happy that I did it.
I wasn't happy in the moment, I was stressed and afraid and there was so much at stake, but with the help of her other friend, her parents, and a few others, I helped ensure the world was able to benefit from my friend's continued existence. I helped ensure I was able to benefit from it as well. There was not a moment I regretted helping. There was nothing that I thought was too much, I never felt my friend a burden. Only a friend, my best friend, who I knew would do anything for me.
And I'm happy I did that, I love to help people, it's what I do. I'm almost always willing to help anyone, always, I hope that my writing helps people. I write for me, it helps me understand and deal with how I feel, but I always home that my writing helps others. I hope that they know that they're not alone in this world with how they feel. That somewhere, someone else is feeling what they feel. And that they feel better about this.
Another example of the mixed bag is me coming out as bisexual, on one hand I felt this huge wave of relief when I did, I felt like I was being honest with myself, finally. On the other hand, I was met with a lot of new questions from people, a lot of new expectations I didn't know how to deal with. A lot I didn't know, I still don't. But I'm happy I did it, the effort I go through is worth the satisfaction I have of knowing I can be honest with myself and people about who I am.
I want to make a difference, in the world. I want my words to change something, even just one person's life. To make it better. I want people to know that I love them.
Because you need to claim happiness for yourself, you need to give your permission to feel happy, you need to forgive yourself for being happy. You have to accept that it's scary, that you can lose it, but that's what makes it worth feeling and having, because nothing gold can stay, ponyboy. But who the hell wants anything less? Go chase your bliss, claim it. I believe in you.
And that's really easy for me to preach from behind my computer screen. It's easy for me to idealize it, like it's that easy. I know it's not, I honestly know it's not. When I get bad, I stop sleeping, I stay up late, I get up early, I skip meals. I run myself down, pushing my soul against a grinder, it's my way of hurting myself because I feel I don't deserve happiness, health, or safety. And I have to rely on my friends to pull me out of that, because I can't do it myself. I'm too afraid. Because again, I can have that happiness, but I might lose it.
But I think that's why I stayed with my ex when things went down hill, I thought it's what I deserved. I thought that was going to be the happiest I was allowed to get. My emotions were tied to her whims, it was a roller coaster. I was a yo-yo. What I learned that it's better to be miserable on your own accord than rely on another for your happiness. I hold no ill feelings against my ex, because she too deserves happiness, and if anything, we were making each other miserable. I hope she's doing well.
Anyway, back on subject, happiness is a slippery thing. And that's what makes it valuable, if we were able to be happy all the time, then it'd be much less worthwhile. Happiness is not a destination. You can't follow the treasure map, ecstasy does not mark the spot, happiness is something you always have to work for, and you're not always going to be happy, and that's okay. It's okay to not be happy, but you deserve happiness. You shouldn't appease others at the cost of yourself. Other people shouldn't be relying on you for their happiness, you make yourself happy, other people can worry about themselves. Love one another, do nice things for one another, but make yourself happy first and foremost.
I think we should all tell each other we love each other more. Tell the people you love that you love them, every second. Not even because it might be the last time you get to, but because you deserve to be honest with how you feel. And they deserve to know how you feel. Love, tell the world you love, wear your heart on your sleeve and be proud of it. Do not become hard in this shitty world, be vulnerable, be loving, because that is strength. Take chances, be stupid, be naive, be young, be virtuous, be late, be on time. Be whatever the hell makes you happy. The world will be a better place, you can make the world a better place, love.
Stay alive, do not just exist but live. The world is a beautiful place, you're a beautiful people, the world deserves you, and you deserve the world. It's worth it to be alive. I promise.
And
I need to claim happiness for myself, I need to give myself permission to feel happy, I need to forgive myself for being happy. I have to accept that it's scary, that I can lose it, but that's what makes it worth feeling and having, because nothing gold can stay, ponyboy. But who the hell wants anything less? I'll go chase my bliss, I'll claim it. I believe in me.
I am trying to be happy, every day.
I love you all,
Chase your bliss,
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
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