So, my 17th birthday is in less than two weeks. March 20th for those interested. And the thought is filling me more with dread than anything. All in all 16 was a pretty great year, and while I will ascend to the throne and take my place as the dancing queen upon my birthday, the thought of adulthood becoming less of an abstract concept and more of a real thing that I am experiencing fills me with dread.
At this point I want to be a writer and an actor, which isn't exactly a concrete life plan. With the infamous nature of Hollywood's impossible to attain lifestyle I live with this constant fear of failure and not obtaining my goals and dreams. I won't be able to check being a successful actor and writer off on my life goals check list, on that note I did Crowd surf at a Jukebox the Ghost concert last night, so at least I got one. Now all I have to do is win an Oscar, settle down, marry Jennifer Lawrence and become a successful actor and writer and my life will be complete.
Aside from the obvious fear of sucking at my passions and failing at perusing them as so many seem to do, I also feel as if I suck at relationships. Not just romantic ones but friendships as well. I feel needy and also sometimes overly grumpy or rude. Sometimes I just need a lot of hugs and to be told how wonderful I am and sometimes I need to not be touched. I feel like I want too much attention and I ask too much of my friends, bumming food and money off of those around me nearly constantly. And I do everything I can for my friends, but I still feel more of a leech than anything.
Along with sucking at friendship relationships, romantic ones aren't my forte either, anyone who knows me even a little knows of the infamy of my laundry list of girlfriends. This usually leads to the assumption that I didn't care about them and it's shallow and desperate reasons that sends me from girl to girl. But that's not true, every girl I've been with I cared deeply about, and I meant everything I said when I said it. Not everything came true and several promises have been broken, but that is not because I didn't care. I can't explain where and why my relationships fail, but I shouldn't have to, I'm 16 (Almost 17, March 20th guys, get hyped) I'm in an ever changing kaleidoscope of personality, and sometimes events force change and that causes the relationship to end. Sometimes it's personal. Regardless of the cause for their ending, it was never for a lack of my caring.
Another thing I fear is I'll someday lose my optimism and idealism. I believe in ghosts, not because I think ghost exist or for any spiritual reason, but I want to live in a world where ghosts exist. I think that'd be amazing, I want aliens and magic to exist. I want this world to have the potential to be more than it is. I believe this world has more potential and it bothers me that not everyone sees it or tries to see it and find it. There is still adventures to be had, stories to write, things to discover. I don't want time to kill these feelings. I don't want to grow out of believing I can still be a hero.
So this is my conclusion, I'm getting older, I'm 1 year and 13 days away from adulthood, and that's okay. Because I will be damned to hell if I let that remove the excitement and optimism and idealism I feel towards life. I believe in so much. I believe that this world has so much left to discover and explore. Treasure to find, adventures to have, people to fall in love with, things to see, places to discover, shows to watch, music to hear, things to create. My favorite people are those who are excited by life and the world around them and who are relentless in their excitement. You shouldn't be ashamed to feel and emote and use big words or use small ones. You shouldn't let the world beat you down, fight against it all, because that is the only way to survive. To create, to fight against entropy. To fight against apathy. To believe that we can be more and do more than we do. We live in an incredible time, we have 3-D printers, we have the internet and smartphones, we have computers in our pockets and on our wrist. Regal cinemas in marathonning all of the Marvel movies in April. This is a wonderful time to be alive. A man who was cyber bullied is having a party thrown for him, all he wanted to do was dance, and damn it he will. A woman was kicked out of a gym for complaining about a trans woman. We are slowly but surely pulling our heads out of our asses as a species. I cannot wait to see what happens next. I am enamored by the human experience and everything about this world. I will rule it as the Dancing Queen and damn it I will love it all.
-Love <3
Bailey S. Fox
At this point I want to be a writer and an actor, which isn't exactly a concrete life plan. With the infamous nature of Hollywood's impossible to attain lifestyle I live with this constant fear of failure and not obtaining my goals and dreams. I won't be able to check being a successful actor and writer off on my life goals check list, on that note I did Crowd surf at a Jukebox the Ghost concert last night, so at least I got one. Now all I have to do is win an Oscar, settle down, marry Jennifer Lawrence and become a successful actor and writer and my life will be complete.
Aside from the obvious fear of sucking at my passions and failing at perusing them as so many seem to do, I also feel as if I suck at relationships. Not just romantic ones but friendships as well. I feel needy and also sometimes overly grumpy or rude. Sometimes I just need a lot of hugs and to be told how wonderful I am and sometimes I need to not be touched. I feel like I want too much attention and I ask too much of my friends, bumming food and money off of those around me nearly constantly. And I do everything I can for my friends, but I still feel more of a leech than anything.
Along with sucking at friendship relationships, romantic ones aren't my forte either, anyone who knows me even a little knows of the infamy of my laundry list of girlfriends. This usually leads to the assumption that I didn't care about them and it's shallow and desperate reasons that sends me from girl to girl. But that's not true, every girl I've been with I cared deeply about, and I meant everything I said when I said it. Not everything came true and several promises have been broken, but that is not because I didn't care. I can't explain where and why my relationships fail, but I shouldn't have to, I'm 16 (Almost 17, March 20th guys, get hyped) I'm in an ever changing kaleidoscope of personality, and sometimes events force change and that causes the relationship to end. Sometimes it's personal. Regardless of the cause for their ending, it was never for a lack of my caring.
Another thing I fear is I'll someday lose my optimism and idealism. I believe in ghosts, not because I think ghost exist or for any spiritual reason, but I want to live in a world where ghosts exist. I think that'd be amazing, I want aliens and magic to exist. I want this world to have the potential to be more than it is. I believe this world has more potential and it bothers me that not everyone sees it or tries to see it and find it. There is still adventures to be had, stories to write, things to discover. I don't want time to kill these feelings. I don't want to grow out of believing I can still be a hero.
So this is my conclusion, I'm getting older, I'm 1 year and 13 days away from adulthood, and that's okay. Because I will be damned to hell if I let that remove the excitement and optimism and idealism I feel towards life. I believe in so much. I believe that this world has so much left to discover and explore. Treasure to find, adventures to have, people to fall in love with, things to see, places to discover, shows to watch, music to hear, things to create. My favorite people are those who are excited by life and the world around them and who are relentless in their excitement. You shouldn't be ashamed to feel and emote and use big words or use small ones. You shouldn't let the world beat you down, fight against it all, because that is the only way to survive. To create, to fight against entropy. To fight against apathy. To believe that we can be more and do more than we do. We live in an incredible time, we have 3-D printers, we have the internet and smartphones, we have computers in our pockets and on our wrist. Regal cinemas in marathonning all of the Marvel movies in April. This is a wonderful time to be alive. A man who was cyber bullied is having a party thrown for him, all he wanted to do was dance, and damn it he will. A woman was kicked out of a gym for complaining about a trans woman. We are slowly but surely pulling our heads out of our asses as a species. I cannot wait to see what happens next. I am enamored by the human experience and everything about this world. I will rule it as the Dancing Queen and damn it I will love it all.
-Love <3
Bailey S. Fox
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