In defense of the Hopeless Optimist

My name is Bailey S. Fox. The S stands for Something, like in Harriet the Spy. I'm named after Fox Mulder and an alcoholic drink. I'm 17 years old and I like to write, act, and adventure. I'm a dopey kid but I don't think that's a bad thing. I've always wanted to be a knight in shinning armor. I enjoy puns and black coffee and to some that makes me the worst person and to some that makes me the best. I'm an optimist. Not all of you believe that. But that's alright. I believe all people are basically good but that doesn't mean people can't be dicks and yes there are obvious exceptions. I'm wearing a calculator watch and my hands are covered in florescent pink spray paint. Sometimes I'm depressed and sometimes I'm not. I'm not right now.

It's been a few weeks since I updated.

Sorry.

I got a new computer. Got a girlfriend. Bought a watch.

I believe the one thing that has kept me going is optimism.

Sometimes shit is shit and that's alright. I believe it will get better, at worst at least it will be different. I've spent a lot of time degrading myself and defending myself in hopes that people will like me if they think I'm someone else. I talk a lot of shit about 7th grade Bailey, but 7th grade Bailey was a good kid, maybe he wasn't always right, but he had good intentions. He loved the world just as much and I do now. He was a lot more insecure than I am, and I'm still pretty insecure. But I've embraced a lot of parts of me that 7th grade Bailey couldn't.

I'm not very masculine, and that's alright.

I'm not good at sports. That's alright.

I don't fit in. It's alright.

I'm loud and obnoxious. It's alright.

Because I found this acceptance in myself, I embraced my passions and my skills and I focused on that. I'm never going to be athletic, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with those who are.

When I bought the heart shaped sunglasses it was to piss of my parents. They hate when I buy stuff like that. They thought I looked weird. But I didn't care, I liked the sunglasses. They have become a staple. Look how badass I look in this photo.

And some people call me gay, and that's okay. I'm not sure what the shape of my sunglasses has to do with what genitalia I prefer and I'm not sure it's anyone's business where I stand.

I think there is a lot of freedom in self-indulgence. We are taught as people it is better to hate oneself because that is the only way to achieve beauty and wealth. We forego the cake and the movie for running and work. And while it's important to be healthy, I think it is equally important to indulge yourself. Because you're worth it, damn it.

I think it's important to maintain optimism. It's really easy to assume that things are shitty and that's the way it's going to stay. But I don't jive well with that. If everything is going to be shitty then what is the point of getting up. I think the only reason anyone has seen me at school this year is because I work on finding things to look forward to or at least commit to so I can't skip. I need to believe things are going to get better otherwise there is no point in anything. My father asked what I'd do if the next Star Wars movie sucked. "It's not going to dad. I haven't even considered it. Because it's very obvious everyone working on this loves what they're doing. And art is the expression of love. In some form or another."

Maybe I was a tad pretentious, but that's alright. I'm a writer, it's my job.

I want everyone to know, I'm doing much better. My depression spell broke, it broke when I found out that my school was doing High School Musical as our school show.

WILDCATS

Listen guys.

I love you. And I love being alive. I try to love everything. It's important to love as much as you can and try and be nice to those who deserve it. Especially your waitress. Tip well.

Thank you.

<3

Bailey S. Fox

Lost Plot Threads and An Emotional Examination of Andy's Hole

"Bailey if you constantly update your blog no one will care anymore. You're flooding the market of whiny teenage boy bloggers"
-someone probably

I'm currently sitting in a hotel room outside the hellscape that is Phillidephia drinking lukewarm ginger ale.  Everyone else is awake now, I was the first one up. I don't sleep much now a days. I had dinner at one in the morning, it was a lousy single serve microwave pizza I payed six god damn dollars for.

Philly is such an unfriendly city, I'm not sure what else to say about it. We came down to see my buddy Erik's favorite band Sun Kil Moon play, it was a three hour long show, standing room only. My body hurts. Luckily we head out soon, I'm on my way to the first rehearsal to the show "Crazy for You." Erik is on his way to five star urgent care, he has developed hives.

I'm not sure this post has any specific point except I felt like writing.

In addition to a bible they have the book of Mormon here, thats kinda interesting to me.

Last night was was the first of 5 live shows I'll see in the next two months so that's pretty exciting. In addition to starting work on crazy for you I also shortly (knock on wood) start work on the Glass Menagerie, the already post-poned production.

I really hate anti-phone people.

Like, I love meeting people but without my phone I'd be miserable, it keeps my company when I'm waiting for the bus or bored or what have you. I'd be so lonely without the world my phone grants me access to.

I wonder if I'm ever going to get to my point on here.

Do I even have a point?

I am at this point in my life where I kind of need to find a new direction because the oath I was on kinda got me into this emotional mess, I seem to have lost the plot.

I guess I should write a new one.

I've gotten a lot of interaction on Tinder here in Philly though, more than anywhere else I have been.

Yes I have a Tinder.

It's one of those things I know in the future will be embarrassing but the fact that I'm leaving in 8 months and won't have to live with the embarrassment here is a help. And also in this time of lost plotless wandering its nice to allow myself to indulge in this. Maybe something cool will come out of it.

Probably not, but maybe.

Maybe.

My friend said something really profound that I will paraphrase here:

"I've only seen like the first seasonish of parks and rec, and right now Andy is living in a hole outside his ex girlfriend's house, and that's where I am now. Right now I'm obsessed with a guy who isn't right for me and that's okay, people do that, but someday I'll meet my avril. What? Her name is April? I told you I've only seen some of it, anyway. Soon I'll meet the person that makes all the time I wasted on other people okay because that time made me into the person I am that can be with the April of my life. So I will live in that hole, and some day I will climb out, but this is where I am. I'll work to get myself out, but I don't think there is shame in being in the hole."

And I guess that's where I am now. Though I'm not obsessed with anyone right now. I'm just in an emotional hole, and someday I'll climb out.

Thanks for reading
<3

Bailey S. Fox

Here Comes The Sun

Today I have a sun drawn in sharpie on my wrist, today I start my first day as an ambassador for The Honest Beauty Project, today I start my day as I do most days, dragging myself out of bed shortly after six, showering, making coffee, and facing the day.

Today, social media alerted me that is The Sun Project day, something I had never heard of but I have been educated it is a marking to denote your struggle with mental illness, or your support of those who do struggle. And I think that's important. Things like these are stigmatized, and its wonderful to see the push back against these things. I suffer from anxiety and depression, there is something in my head that works differently than in other "normal" people's heads (some might say I have been Next to Normal) but the other thing I have learned is that there are people everywhere who suffer with what I suffer, and that in a way is comforting. To know I'm not some alone freak of nature. It helps.
When I was in elementary school our choir sang the song "Corner of the Sky" from the musical "Pippin" and that was a moment for me. Here we have a while song about feeling like an outcast trying to find a place in the world, I empathized with that, that was a huge moment for me, I felt so much less alone than I had felt an hour before that song. And I think it's important to people that they know they aren't alone. I often mention this at the end of posts but today I feel that it's important that I just dedicate a whole post to it.

Recently I've been especially struggling with my anxiety and depression. I can't honestly pinpoint what's making this such a prolonged episode, but I'm here to talk about it.

I think one of the most important things that needs to be learned is this affliction doesn't make me, or anyone less human, less capable of love, relationships, or anything, than anyone else. It means I do things differently, part of being my friend or significant other is accepting that sometimes you'll have to help me through an anxiety attack, or maybe a bout of depression. One of the important things I have to work on is not letting that consume me. Another thing is some people might have to leave because of it, and I accept that. As you all know from my last post I have had to leave, leaving is alright. Sometimes you have to leave, there is no shame in that.

Some days there are good days, some days there are bad. It's important that I know, that I remember is that this bout of anxiety and depression will end. That the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar. And there are things I can do to help myself. Listen to certain songs, eat certain comfort foods, go on walks, write it out. The other thing is I am in talks to start counciling and get tests to see if I am in need of further help. One thing I find important to remind everyone is that there is no shame in asking for help, in seeking out help. Do whatever you can do to make yourself feel better, we all have our coping mechanisms, and there is no shame in further asking and acquiring help.

I am more than my afflictions, I am more than my mental illnesses, they are a part of me but in no way do they define me. I talk about this because it is important that people know they are not alone. But they also need to know this does not define them, it does not label you. You are a wonderful human being inside and out. I love you all so much.
You are not alone. I started this blog so people would better understand who I am and what I do. It has been an immense help in my life. If this blog has taught me anything its that I'm not alone. You're not alone, darling you're wonderful. Here comes the sun, guys. It's alright.

Stay golden,
Love

Bailey S. Fox <3

Life as Unusual

See, I don't like this.

Writing sad blog posts

But here we are.

We might as well.

I have a lot on my mind, its been an eventful if still not great week. And I know how you feel "Bailey you just wrote your first truly happy blog post in forever why do you have to sadden us like this?"

Sorry.

(Not really)

No one has ever asked me why I write this blog, though for the sake of it I'll pretend they did.

I write this because it helps me. I'm bad at putting my feelings out there verbally, I'm a writer, not always a speaker. (Though I probably fooled some of you)

I had a date Tuesday, it was cool. There won't be a second for extraneous reasons but it was a nice date. Maybe she is reading this post. I doubt it, but if she is, Hi.

Wednesday I found out a relative had to go to the hospital, she talked about not wanting it to be spread around to much so I won't get too specific but I also feel the need to talk about it because it's all cooped up in me.

(It's really funny to see the difference in mood four days can make)

So there we sit, my father and I and our relative. We sit there in the cacophony of the hospital, bleeps, bloops, and all manner of noise surround us. Her roommate is rather peculiar, rather unhealthy by the way the doctor talked to her. Anyway, we sat there, and we all had this tone to our voices I can't quite describe. But we sat there and made our jokes, we talked about weather and all things of no consequence. All knowing that this could have been much, much worse. We were all very scared. We were all very relelieved. It was especially weird to me that we sat in the same hospital I was born in. Someone who came closer to death that any of us were comfortable with in the same place I found life.

Life is weird like that.

She is set to make a full recovery.

Thank god.

I managed not to cry today, which I'm proud of, I have a hard time not crying in those situations. But I knew I needed to be strong, hospitals own their own gloom, the gold oppressive day just worsened the feeling. No one needed a crier to make it worse.

Life is funny.

School drains me, I hate it I really do. I feel so obtuse there. I feel like I'm the odd man out. And it's probably all in my head. But I still don't feel like I belong.

Life is funny.

I see a lot of people on my Facebook getting engaged. I see my friends in these happy relationships, I see adults content with their life, happy with who they are and the things they have. And it's funny because I as a person have never experienced that. I've always felt unfulfilled. I want to find contentness. I want to be at peace with myself and the world and those around me. I hope someday I can settle down. I really do, one of my biggest fears is that I'll never find that peace. I'll never be able to stay with someone my whole life. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay in one place. I'm afraid I'm unable to be fulfilled. That I live this life with this endless hunger that eventually will consume me. This is the flipside to what I last wrote about. This is the downside.

I use a lot of parentheses in my writing, I couldn't tell you why, I just enjoy it.

I had to write my college essay recently, and I wrote about how I felt isolated and alone as a child. How I was bullied and found solace in my imagination and prentend and that's how I grew up to be a writer and an actor. It was hard, it's dredged up a lot of weird feelings.

It's been a long week.

I'm very tired. This might be the latest I have ever worked on a blog post. This might be one of my more personal blog posts. I'm sorry that this is getting weird. I think it's only going to get weirder.

I'm not sure if I talked about my break up.

But since I'm just talking about all this other shit I might as well.

God I hope this doesn't cross any lines.

My last girlfriend suffered from bipolar depression.

I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder)

I loved her, I did. More than anyone I ever had before. I just need to preface that.

But she had her swings. She could go from being ecstatic to inconsolably miserable in the blink of an eye. For five months I did everything in my power to help her. I really did. Disregarding my emotional and mental well-being I did everything I could for her.

It wasn't enough.

There was nothing I could do.

Eventually it got to the point where everything was just about how sad she was. This ate at me. It boiled my anxiety. It consumed me. I fought with it. I stayed as strong as I could for as long as I could. I swear I did.

But one day I broke.

One day I had the most violent anxiety attack of my life. I was on the Commons. I was hyperventilating, I was sweating, shaking, teeth chattering. I wanted to scream and cry. I couldn't take it. I was broken in such a pure way. When I got home that night I was hurt and exhausted in a way I never knew possible. I was in a dark place. I had a lot of bad thoughts. I told her how I felt, I needed her to get help. I wanted to make it work. I gave her one last chance.

The next day it was the same.

I want able to save her. I had to at least save me.

Breaking up with her was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I know it was the right thing, but that didn't help. If she's reading this I'm sorry for airing our dirty laundry. I just think this will help me.

I hope it does.

One thing I want to talk about is mental illness.

In the last year I have had two friend hospitalized for attempted suicide and a former student at my high school took his own life.

It's very, very important to me that everyone know that they are valued. They are loved. the problems they have are not theirs alone. Other people feel the way they feel. Listen, at leat one of you are probably struggling right now. You are loved. You are valued. You are special. You can do the thing. I believe in you. I love you. I never want anyone to feel like dying is the only solution to their problems. I love you.

I love all of you.

I'm sorry this got so personal and so deep. Im sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I think this helped. I cried writing it. It's important to me that people know that I struggle too. That I have fights and battles. That I'm not just some cocky asshole. Yes I'm alright, I am. I am not at risk. I don't want anyone to worry. I just needed to talk this all out.

I love you all.

Thanks for reading <3

Regards.

Bailey S. Fox

Because the Night

I am a chaotic being. I thrive on change and movement. I find my rhythms in the live syncopation of the world.

My parents and family worry about me, about the amount of time I spend out of the house, wandering, swing, feeling, exploring. And they don't quite understand that the unplanned wanderings and explorations of my world is the respite from the strict structure of a school day. And as I sit here on the Ithaca Commons, I feel a sense of calm I lack when in school. I can see the world happen around me. Hundreds of people, walking, talking, feeling, living their lives. Thats magical to me. And as I sat there sipping the remains of my lukewarm wegmans coffee, these three college students approached me, asking if they could spread the gospel to me. At first I was cagey, I didn't want to be rude, but I haven't always seen eye to eye with religion. So I told them I was Jewish, it was a lie, but i t was the same type of lie that girls tell sleazy guys in sleazier bars so they can finish their drink in peace, so the lie didn't bother me. But they asked polite questions about my life, and asked if they could pray for me. I said I didn't see why not, and so we sat, at the round, blue table by the center of the commons. And they prayed for me. They didn't pray that I would be saved from my sins, they prayed that I would find peace and happiness. That my college apps would go well. It actually made me feel really nice. I've always thought of myself as more of a spiritual person rather than a religious, but, I appreciated their kindness.

So as I wished them luck and saw them on my way, I sipped my coffee once more and began to write, I watched a little boy run, squealing with joy as his mother tried to keep pace, i saw and talked to an older man with a Bernie Sanders pin, (#FeelTheBern), and in these moments I found my peace. I found my peace in the chaos of life. Because right now at this exact moment in time. I'm not moving, I have been stationary for about thirty minutes, but potential lies all around me. The optimism and hope for adventure. I could get up and catch a bus to anywhere I want. I can go see a movie at the local indie theater. I could go for a hike, I could sit here and write. I sit here, on my first day off, my first day to myself in lord knows how long, I sit here with peace. Peace within the chaos and potential. This is why I love cities, they're their own little worlds, more lies in a city block than a country mile if you ask me. And since I lack a sexual attraction to farm animals and find a disdain for chewing tobacco, I find myself on Friday nights, catching the bus into town. I find myself with my friends dealing adventure, trying new foods, waving my arms with passion and excitement at whatever topic gas caught my gaze. So Monday through Thursday I bide my time, I do homework, I take notes, I go to rehearsals, work, and school, knowing that Friday nights are mine. Friday nights are for me to catch the always late bus from Newfield into ithaca. Friday nights are for me to stay up late and wake up early on Saturday mornings. Weekends are mind to walk down the street in my heart shaped sunglasses singing along to E•MO•TION or Ben Folds new album. Weekends are mine to be me more than I could ever be in Newfield. And to the people who let me crash on their couches, who let me borrow a t-shirt. Thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you to everyone in my life, who helps me get through the week. Who helps me and loves me more than I can ever know. Thank you.

Thank you for reading. <3

Stay golden, listen to music, stay beautiful.

Sincerely,

Bailey S. Fox

The New Adventures of Old Bailey Fox

Just when you thought I couldn't get more esoteric I title a blog post referencing a defunct sitcom.

Am I funny? No. Does that bother me? Deeply, yes.

LET'S GET EMOTIONALLY INTAMATE!!

A lot changed over the summer, I'm a senior, I'm now single, I make artisanal goat cheese for a living, I finished a script and started a new one, I competed in a dance battle, I now play guitar and I'm learning to play bass, life is exciting. But at the same time, it's not. I have this hunger, this hunger for new experiences and adventure, of new places and great stories, and with the start of senior year, those are suddenly in short supply.

Now, as a disclaimer, I am happy. I survived my break up, the first week of senior year hasn't killed me. I am just left with this desire to see more and experience more. But a lack of adventure does not a enjoyable blog post make. So I'm just going to talk about me.

I have changed a lot over the last year. Junior year was a real trial by fire, and I like to think I made the grade. But here I am, the best Bailey that 17 year old me can be, and I still face all the problems that past less super cool Bailey faced. So what was the point? Why did I better myself if I still have to face the same struggles day in and day out? My life is completely different than a year ago, but I still face the same problems. I fear no one likes me, I'm sometimes confident that no one likes me. I try as hard as I can to be positive, to persevere, to continue on, but it's hard to live in the moment when the moment is your high school reminding you why you suck and you will never be as cool as you want to be.

There are these moments, when life is how I want it to be, and the adventure washes over me and I forget my fear, my insecurities. And I chase those moments. That's why I have the hunger, because when I am satisfied I am unstoppable.

I have struggled with feelings of just generally being a loser no one likes. And this post isn't me crying out for attention or trying to garner sympathy. This is me trying to explain both to myself and those around me how I feel. I have let go a lot of my insecurities over the last year, and I have done so much more than ever before, yet the stubborn ones, they remain. I am doing my best that I can to over come them.

I've learned a lot of lessons, as I have said, several times. You can't change people, not with love, not with anger, people only change if they want to. And it hurts, but sometimes for yourself you have to leave, you have to accept the consequences that come with leaving, because you know that you can't save everyone, and the most important person to save is yourself. I still want to be the brave knight, saving the day, getting the girl, but I can't do that if I lose myself in my pseudo-crusade then it's a moot point.

I'm going to try and pull out of the sad nose dive we have hit and I'm going to go on a more positive tear.

I believe in potential energies, not necessarily like in science but in life. The potential energy for the extraordinary. In my opinion the potential energy at home is on average 0, it's a scale of 0-5, so keep that context in mind. At school it averages on a 1, at work we see a 2-3 range. In public, like if I catch the bus into town it's a 3-4 and then in new places its on average a 5, anything can happen, it's all new to me. And I take advantage of this as much as I can and give myself the best odds I can of experiencing the extraordinary. I want to go out and meet pretty people and eat weird foods. I want to see the world, do exciting and dangerous things, live life. I want to live, I want to really live. So, if you're a reader, hit me up. Do it, say hi, tell me about you. I want to meet new people, from anywhere. I want to try new things, if anyone needs a guy to go do random stuff with give me a call. I'm ready to live, to really live.

I will go out, I will see the world, I will fight dragons and scale towers, I will visit far off lands, I will do extreme things, I will be snarky in my heart shaped sunglasses, I will spend the night couch surfing between houses, I will go to parties, I will go to fancy dinners, I will give up my insecurities. I will fall in love a thousand times, or maybe once. I will take better care of myself and do more for me, to make me happy. I will read more classics, I will learn to like tea, I will use bigger words, become more cultured, I will be the best me I can be. I will get my homework done, I will learn new skills, I will get better at my old ones, I will write new stories and make more of my own.

I love you all, everyone who puts up with these posts and reads them and shares them. The people who talk me out of my anxiety attacks, those who go shopping with me or get coffee or whatever we do, I appreciate you. I am working on a super cool secret project that I will soon be able to share more about. I think you're all really going to like it.

Thank you to Camryn for the graphic above, I love you sis <3

If you want to get into contact with me, say hi, tell me more about you, I have:

Snapchat : bfox98
Kik: bfo98
Facebook
Twitter @BaileyMcfly
Insta: Bailey_McFly

I love you all, stay golden. Thanks for reading.


-Bailey S. Fox <3

P.S. E-MO-TION by Carly Rae Jepsen is one of my favorite albums of 2015. Listen to it.

Everything Will be all Right in the End

In the days I have been planning this blog post it has gone back and forth in my head as either one of my most optimistic and happy blog posts or one of my sadder and more introspective posts.

Though let's at least get through this, together.

Despite what I have written and what I tell people, I have continued to struggle with self-loathing. It's come through in my writing, it comes through in my actions, in my words, in my thoughts. It comes through, and the other day I figured out why.

I have let the self-loathing become part of my identity. I am afraid of losing myself if I give up this self loathing. If I give up my insecurities. If I stop performing my bad habits who will I become?

And that's the thing, I finally got it through my head that I know who I will become. Because it's who I am. I have let this problem I struggle with become who I think I am. But there is a post from tumblr that says, "When someone has cancer, they don't become cancer, they aren't defined by cancer, so you shouldn't be defined by the problems you struggle with" and that really hit me, I'm not defined by my fears and my problems I battle no more than a knight is defined by the dragons he fights. And it's time to stop letting me be caught up in the labels I try to give myself, because labels are for fruit, not people. Your fine ass cannot be defined by a single words. Because no one can be put in boxes or categories. It takes, sentences, paragraphs, entire novels, to do a person justice, so stop trying to use a singular adjective to decide who you are.

There is an Amanda Palmer song, "In my Mind" which speaks exactly of this, because "Fuck yes, I am exactly the person I am meant to be."

For a long time I have denied myself things like clothes, music, tv and the like due to fear of judgment from others, and thus in a way, I have denied myself happiness. Maybe this will become my manifesto and my battle cry, because I reached an epiphany, that I am done living myself as defined by others, because that is not how I was meant to live. i will be responsible for my actions, but I will not censor myself in the name of society. I want to become more approachable, not less weird. I will learn to love myself, I will wear heart-shaped sunglasses, I will fight, I will love, I will sass, and I will live. And god damn, is that all I want for others. I want others to love themselves and love life. Because I  have learned that life will suck, and you will lose people and you will mourn. You will lose battles and you will be hurt, but there is so much life to live to make the risks worth it. Because denying yourself what you want is pointless. The people who write you off for making you happy are not people worth your time.

It's 2015, it is time to stop being unhappy because a bunch of antiquated customs deem your happiness wrong. It's time for women to be empowered and in power. It's time for men to stop being forced to adhere to outdated ideas of masculinity. It's time to stop being racist, homophobic, xenophobic and a dozen other types of bigoted shitheads. It's time to accept that maybe people don't feel like they belong as the gender they are born as and that there are more types of gender and sexuality than the two we had when we also considered other human beings property.

Today, today I declare Independence, from my insecurities, my fears, and the judgement of others, today I become an independent man. I am free from the things that don't make me happy.

I want to save the world, I want to be the knight in shining armor that fights the dragon. And damn it, I can be.

I love you all. I do, I want to say thank you to so many people that it would be foolish to try to name them all, but hopefully you know who you are. So many people helped me get to this point and it means so much to me that you did. You're wonderful people, all of you. I want to thank everyone who has, had, or will ever read my blog. Your unwavering support is astounding.

Godspeed you beautiful people.

<3
Bailey S. Fox