Life as Unusual

See, I don't like this.

Writing sad blog posts

But here we are.

We might as well.

I have a lot on my mind, its been an eventful if still not great week. And I know how you feel "Bailey you just wrote your first truly happy blog post in forever why do you have to sadden us like this?"

Sorry.

(Not really)

No one has ever asked me why I write this blog, though for the sake of it I'll pretend they did.

I write this because it helps me. I'm bad at putting my feelings out there verbally, I'm a writer, not always a speaker. (Though I probably fooled some of you)

I had a date Tuesday, it was cool. There won't be a second for extraneous reasons but it was a nice date. Maybe she is reading this post. I doubt it, but if she is, Hi.

Wednesday I found out a relative had to go to the hospital, she talked about not wanting it to be spread around to much so I won't get too specific but I also feel the need to talk about it because it's all cooped up in me.

(It's really funny to see the difference in mood four days can make)

So there we sit, my father and I and our relative. We sit there in the cacophony of the hospital, bleeps, bloops, and all manner of noise surround us. Her roommate is rather peculiar, rather unhealthy by the way the doctor talked to her. Anyway, we sat there, and we all had this tone to our voices I can't quite describe. But we sat there and made our jokes, we talked about weather and all things of no consequence. All knowing that this could have been much, much worse. We were all very scared. We were all very relelieved. It was especially weird to me that we sat in the same hospital I was born in. Someone who came closer to death that any of us were comfortable with in the same place I found life.

Life is weird like that.

She is set to make a full recovery.

Thank god.

I managed not to cry today, which I'm proud of, I have a hard time not crying in those situations. But I knew I needed to be strong, hospitals own their own gloom, the gold oppressive day just worsened the feeling. No one needed a crier to make it worse.

Life is funny.

School drains me, I hate it I really do. I feel so obtuse there. I feel like I'm the odd man out. And it's probably all in my head. But I still don't feel like I belong.

Life is funny.

I see a lot of people on my Facebook getting engaged. I see my friends in these happy relationships, I see adults content with their life, happy with who they are and the things they have. And it's funny because I as a person have never experienced that. I've always felt unfulfilled. I want to find contentness. I want to be at peace with myself and the world and those around me. I hope someday I can settle down. I really do, one of my biggest fears is that I'll never find that peace. I'll never be able to stay with someone my whole life. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay in one place. I'm afraid I'm unable to be fulfilled. That I live this life with this endless hunger that eventually will consume me. This is the flipside to what I last wrote about. This is the downside.

I use a lot of parentheses in my writing, I couldn't tell you why, I just enjoy it.

I had to write my college essay recently, and I wrote about how I felt isolated and alone as a child. How I was bullied and found solace in my imagination and prentend and that's how I grew up to be a writer and an actor. It was hard, it's dredged up a lot of weird feelings.

It's been a long week.

I'm very tired. This might be the latest I have ever worked on a blog post. This might be one of my more personal blog posts. I'm sorry that this is getting weird. I think it's only going to get weirder.

I'm not sure if I talked about my break up.

But since I'm just talking about all this other shit I might as well.

God I hope this doesn't cross any lines.

My last girlfriend suffered from bipolar depression.

I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder)

I loved her, I did. More than anyone I ever had before. I just need to preface that.

But she had her swings. She could go from being ecstatic to inconsolably miserable in the blink of an eye. For five months I did everything in my power to help her. I really did. Disregarding my emotional and mental well-being I did everything I could for her.

It wasn't enough.

There was nothing I could do.

Eventually it got to the point where everything was just about how sad she was. This ate at me. It boiled my anxiety. It consumed me. I fought with it. I stayed as strong as I could for as long as I could. I swear I did.

But one day I broke.

One day I had the most violent anxiety attack of my life. I was on the Commons. I was hyperventilating, I was sweating, shaking, teeth chattering. I wanted to scream and cry. I couldn't take it. I was broken in such a pure way. When I got home that night I was hurt and exhausted in a way I never knew possible. I was in a dark place. I had a lot of bad thoughts. I told her how I felt, I needed her to get help. I wanted to make it work. I gave her one last chance.

The next day it was the same.

I want able to save her. I had to at least save me.

Breaking up with her was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I know it was the right thing, but that didn't help. If she's reading this I'm sorry for airing our dirty laundry. I just think this will help me.

I hope it does.

One thing I want to talk about is mental illness.

In the last year I have had two friend hospitalized for attempted suicide and a former student at my high school took his own life.

It's very, very important to me that everyone know that they are valued. They are loved. the problems they have are not theirs alone. Other people feel the way they feel. Listen, at leat one of you are probably struggling right now. You are loved. You are valued. You are special. You can do the thing. I believe in you. I love you. I never want anyone to feel like dying is the only solution to their problems. I love you.

I love all of you.

I'm sorry this got so personal and so deep. Im sure I'll feel better tomorrow. I think this helped. I cried writing it. It's important to me that people know that I struggle too. That I have fights and battles. That I'm not just some cocky asshole. Yes I'm alright, I am. I am not at risk. I don't want anyone to worry. I just needed to talk this all out.

I love you all.

Thanks for reading <3

Regards.

Bailey S. Fox