Everything Will be all Right in the End

In the days I have been planning this blog post it has gone back and forth in my head as either one of my most optimistic and happy blog posts or one of my sadder and more introspective posts.

Though let's at least get through this, together.

Despite what I have written and what I tell people, I have continued to struggle with self-loathing. It's come through in my writing, it comes through in my actions, in my words, in my thoughts. It comes through, and the other day I figured out why.

I have let the self-loathing become part of my identity. I am afraid of losing myself if I give up this self loathing. If I give up my insecurities. If I stop performing my bad habits who will I become?

And that's the thing, I finally got it through my head that I know who I will become. Because it's who I am. I have let this problem I struggle with become who I think I am. But there is a post from tumblr that says, "When someone has cancer, they don't become cancer, they aren't defined by cancer, so you shouldn't be defined by the problems you struggle with" and that really hit me, I'm not defined by my fears and my problems I battle no more than a knight is defined by the dragons he fights. And it's time to stop letting me be caught up in the labels I try to give myself, because labels are for fruit, not people. Your fine ass cannot be defined by a single words. Because no one can be put in boxes or categories. It takes, sentences, paragraphs, entire novels, to do a person justice, so stop trying to use a singular adjective to decide who you are.

There is an Amanda Palmer song, "In my Mind" which speaks exactly of this, because "Fuck yes, I am exactly the person I am meant to be."

For a long time I have denied myself things like clothes, music, tv and the like due to fear of judgment from others, and thus in a way, I have denied myself happiness. Maybe this will become my manifesto and my battle cry, because I reached an epiphany, that I am done living myself as defined by others, because that is not how I was meant to live. i will be responsible for my actions, but I will not censor myself in the name of society. I want to become more approachable, not less weird. I will learn to love myself, I will wear heart-shaped sunglasses, I will fight, I will love, I will sass, and I will live. And god damn, is that all I want for others. I want others to love themselves and love life. Because I  have learned that life will suck, and you will lose people and you will mourn. You will lose battles and you will be hurt, but there is so much life to live to make the risks worth it. Because denying yourself what you want is pointless. The people who write you off for making you happy are not people worth your time.

It's 2015, it is time to stop being unhappy because a bunch of antiquated customs deem your happiness wrong. It's time for women to be empowered and in power. It's time for men to stop being forced to adhere to outdated ideas of masculinity. It's time to stop being racist, homophobic, xenophobic and a dozen other types of bigoted shitheads. It's time to accept that maybe people don't feel like they belong as the gender they are born as and that there are more types of gender and sexuality than the two we had when we also considered other human beings property.

Today, today I declare Independence, from my insecurities, my fears, and the judgement of others, today I become an independent man. I am free from the things that don't make me happy.

I want to save the world, I want to be the knight in shining armor that fights the dragon. And damn it, I can be.

I love you all. I do, I want to say thank you to so many people that it would be foolish to try to name them all, but hopefully you know who you are. So many people helped me get to this point and it means so much to me that you did. You're wonderful people, all of you. I want to thank everyone who has, had, or will ever read my blog. Your unwavering support is astounding.

Godspeed you beautiful people.

<3
Bailey S. Fox