2015, right?
Remember when I was like "2015 is going to be way better than 2014." ?
But like, has it been?
I do believe I just found a broken tooth, I didn't do that in 2014, boom, case closed. Blog post over.
But anyway, it's a hard question, because we tend to romanticize the past and it's hard to objectively decide. I started 2014 as a miserable proto-being who loathed himself and was about to have the worst mental break down he knew how. He'd also slug through a depression spell that would numb him to his core. On the other had I started this sweet blog and it saw some of the most success in its first few months. (as of right now with enough writing the blog it on track to break 10,000 views before 2016) I learned a lot in 2014, I grew into the human I am today, I ended it a much more complete human having learned a lot of lessons and I could actually feel like a good person.
2015 has found me paying the price for those lessons and learning new ones. I went through a depression spell even worse than the infamous one of 2014, though I'm on the other side of that now it still happened startlingly recently. I still made a lot of mistakes in 2015, like a lot, but I think I stood up for myself and became an entity of substance. More than just words and talk. It 2015 I became closer with a bunch of people I thought would barely care to know my name, but have since become closer to. I'm thankful everyday for them. In 2015 I think I was the best friend I've ever been to people. At least for their sake I hope I was.
But am I any better than I was in 2014? Am I really, or is the belief of that just a self preservation tactic my brain has tricked itself into believing that I'm cool as to keep myself from self destructing again like in 2014, maybe I have learned something. But I fear that it's just an illusion and I'm still awful. And I fear that I'll always be awful.
I once knew someone who told me something along the lines of "Bailey, the fact that you're worried about this is evidence that you're not terrible, you're self aware about this." This person no longer really talks to me, I kind of screwed the pooch on that one. So what's that prove? I'm not sure.
I have gotten in a lot of trouble for trying to predict the future because it never goes well, you can't really foresee what's going to happen, and maybe that's what is so wonderful about life, is you can't predict what is going to happen tomorrow, or even in five minutes. And I guess it's future Bailey're problem if I'm a piece of shit now, I guess I just have to do the best that I can and be the best me I know how to be, and try to be a good man. Maybe I'll screw the pooch every once in a while, or almost constantly, maybe I'll get it right. There's no use speculating, it's hard to guess, and energy is better spent on trying to be a better person now than worrying about things you have no power to affect yet.
And hey, maybe 2016 will be pretty great.
Who knows?
Happy Holidays <3
Bailey S. Fox
Remember when I was like "2015 is going to be way better than 2014." ?
But like, has it been?
I do believe I just found a broken tooth, I didn't do that in 2014, boom, case closed. Blog post over.
But anyway, it's a hard question, because we tend to romanticize the past and it's hard to objectively decide. I started 2014 as a miserable proto-being who loathed himself and was about to have the worst mental break down he knew how. He'd also slug through a depression spell that would numb him to his core. On the other had I started this sweet blog and it saw some of the most success in its first few months. (as of right now with enough writing the blog it on track to break 10,000 views before 2016) I learned a lot in 2014, I grew into the human I am today, I ended it a much more complete human having learned a lot of lessons and I could actually feel like a good person.
2015 has found me paying the price for those lessons and learning new ones. I went through a depression spell even worse than the infamous one of 2014, though I'm on the other side of that now it still happened startlingly recently. I still made a lot of mistakes in 2015, like a lot, but I think I stood up for myself and became an entity of substance. More than just words and talk. It 2015 I became closer with a bunch of people I thought would barely care to know my name, but have since become closer to. I'm thankful everyday for them. In 2015 I think I was the best friend I've ever been to people. At least for their sake I hope I was.
But am I any better than I was in 2014? Am I really, or is the belief of that just a self preservation tactic my brain has tricked itself into believing that I'm cool as to keep myself from self destructing again like in 2014, maybe I have learned something. But I fear that it's just an illusion and I'm still awful. And I fear that I'll always be awful.
I once knew someone who told me something along the lines of "Bailey, the fact that you're worried about this is evidence that you're not terrible, you're self aware about this." This person no longer really talks to me, I kind of screwed the pooch on that one. So what's that prove? I'm not sure.
I have gotten in a lot of trouble for trying to predict the future because it never goes well, you can't really foresee what's going to happen, and maybe that's what is so wonderful about life, is you can't predict what is going to happen tomorrow, or even in five minutes. And I guess it's future Bailey're problem if I'm a piece of shit now, I guess I just have to do the best that I can and be the best me I know how to be, and try to be a good man. Maybe I'll screw the pooch every once in a while, or almost constantly, maybe I'll get it right. There's no use speculating, it's hard to guess, and energy is better spent on trying to be a better person now than worrying about things you have no power to affect yet.
And hey, maybe 2016 will be pretty great.
Who knows?
Happy Holidays <3
Bailey S. Fox
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