I had an anxiety attack earlier so fair warning I have no idea how this is going to play out.
I think I'm going to talk directly about friendships and what not. Because I talk about them a lot and a lot of what I write about can be worked into this theme. From self-loathing, self-image, mental-illness. All kinds of stuff. I'm so excited. Let's do this.
As you all know I have my tragic back story of no one liking me as a kid. Which the essay I wrote about that will be one of these advent calendar posts, I have to save my material, I have a lot of busy days coming up. Anyway, I was a weird child and had a hard time making friends and fitting in and it has shaped every action I have made since I became aware that people didn't enjoy my company. I'm also not proud of how much it still messes with me to this day, I'm nearly an adult and I know deep down this will continue for the rest of my life. Anyway, so those experiences have really affected how I go about relationships. I'm always saying sorry. I very rarely confront my friends when I'm mad because I always believe people are about to leave me. I believe that my company is more or less worthless and I'm kinda like a last resort friend. Like I don't think I was anyone's first choice for a friend. No one wanted me for kick ball why would anyone want to hang out with me? Like that's how my brain works, this isn't so people comment "OMG BAILEY UR THE BESTEST I LUV U SOSOSOSO MUCH." This isn't for attention, this is just me talking. Anyway, like it's really hard for me to think that people don't lowkey hate me and aren't seconds away from never talking to me again. It's really hard for me. I don't know I'm really easy to pressure into doing things. I just want people to like me, to accept me. But I really want to be me. I want to be accepted for me. I don't want to be someone else. I'm also really good at alienating myself from situations where I don't think I belong. A perfect example is in the show I did over the summer "13." I felt like I didn't belong. That show had all of these talented, wealthy, pretty kids. I'm just some guy. I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt like they were better than me. So I went home after shows, I didn't go to dinners with the cast. I went home. Maybe I did belong and I was the only one who felt like I didn't belong. I'm in a production right now I'm waiting for people to laugh at me and tell me that I was only cast as a joke, they'd never want to spend time with me. Ugh, anxiety attacks make me so rambly. I'm sorry that this is a little pathetic but I've started down this path there's no going back now. This is the emotional honesty you read this blog for.
I often feel like a burden on my friends, I always need a ride and money because I chose writing, acting, and pride over a real job. No one pays me to write or act. (And I live in constant fear that no one will.) But because of that I always have to ask to borrow money or for a ride. Like I feel really bad because I can't afford to get my friends gifts this year, and that's really shitty. Because they deserve gifts.
I try really hard to be a good friend. I drop everything to help those I love. Because I think they deserve it. So many people have done so much for me without asking for anything in return. I can never repay all the people in my life for all they have done.
I have teachers who have spent untold hours of their lives listening to my life and personal problems when they totally don't have to. Like who wants to listen to a 15/16/17 year old bitch about life all the time? And yet they do. And people read this blog, when no one has to. But people read it. Regardless of it's worth reading. And My voice lesson teacher hasn't made me pay for a lesson in a year because I can't afford it. And yet he works with me, even though I think we both know I can't afford to repay him. I don't know why these people, why everyone goes out of their way for me.
I've felt ugly lately. I had an acne break out. And I can't tell if I've gained weight or I'm normal or what. But I haven't felt very attractive the last few months. I feel really bad talking about it. It sounds like I'm fishing for compliments, I just haven't felt very good about how I look lately. I don't know what it is. I had to have photos taken of me today for promotion for the show I'm in and they will be posted all over the place. That's so scary. Everyone will know I look like shit.
I didn't write this for attention or so people feel bad or to fish for compliments. I just, I guess I needed to talk about this stuff.
I'm so sorry, I know I'm usually funnier. Maybe I will be tomorrow.
Have a great night, everyone. Happy Holidays
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
<3
I think I'm going to talk directly about friendships and what not. Because I talk about them a lot and a lot of what I write about can be worked into this theme. From self-loathing, self-image, mental-illness. All kinds of stuff. I'm so excited. Let's do this.
As you all know I have my tragic back story of no one liking me as a kid. Which the essay I wrote about that will be one of these advent calendar posts, I have to save my material, I have a lot of busy days coming up. Anyway, I was a weird child and had a hard time making friends and fitting in and it has shaped every action I have made since I became aware that people didn't enjoy my company. I'm also not proud of how much it still messes with me to this day, I'm nearly an adult and I know deep down this will continue for the rest of my life. Anyway, so those experiences have really affected how I go about relationships. I'm always saying sorry. I very rarely confront my friends when I'm mad because I always believe people are about to leave me. I believe that my company is more or less worthless and I'm kinda like a last resort friend. Like I don't think I was anyone's first choice for a friend. No one wanted me for kick ball why would anyone want to hang out with me? Like that's how my brain works, this isn't so people comment "OMG BAILEY UR THE BESTEST I LUV U SOSOSOSO MUCH." This isn't for attention, this is just me talking. Anyway, like it's really hard for me to think that people don't lowkey hate me and aren't seconds away from never talking to me again. It's really hard for me. I don't know I'm really easy to pressure into doing things. I just want people to like me, to accept me. But I really want to be me. I want to be accepted for me. I don't want to be someone else. I'm also really good at alienating myself from situations where I don't think I belong. A perfect example is in the show I did over the summer "13." I felt like I didn't belong. That show had all of these talented, wealthy, pretty kids. I'm just some guy. I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt like they were better than me. So I went home after shows, I didn't go to dinners with the cast. I went home. Maybe I did belong and I was the only one who felt like I didn't belong. I'm in a production right now I'm waiting for people to laugh at me and tell me that I was only cast as a joke, they'd never want to spend time with me. Ugh, anxiety attacks make me so rambly. I'm sorry that this is a little pathetic but I've started down this path there's no going back now. This is the emotional honesty you read this blog for.
I often feel like a burden on my friends, I always need a ride and money because I chose writing, acting, and pride over a real job. No one pays me to write or act. (And I live in constant fear that no one will.) But because of that I always have to ask to borrow money or for a ride. Like I feel really bad because I can't afford to get my friends gifts this year, and that's really shitty. Because they deserve gifts.
I try really hard to be a good friend. I drop everything to help those I love. Because I think they deserve it. So many people have done so much for me without asking for anything in return. I can never repay all the people in my life for all they have done.
I have teachers who have spent untold hours of their lives listening to my life and personal problems when they totally don't have to. Like who wants to listen to a 15/16/17 year old bitch about life all the time? And yet they do. And people read this blog, when no one has to. But people read it. Regardless of it's worth reading. And My voice lesson teacher hasn't made me pay for a lesson in a year because I can't afford it. And yet he works with me, even though I think we both know I can't afford to repay him. I don't know why these people, why everyone goes out of their way for me.
I've felt ugly lately. I had an acne break out. And I can't tell if I've gained weight or I'm normal or what. But I haven't felt very attractive the last few months. I feel really bad talking about it. It sounds like I'm fishing for compliments, I just haven't felt very good about how I look lately. I don't know what it is. I had to have photos taken of me today for promotion for the show I'm in and they will be posted all over the place. That's so scary. Everyone will know I look like shit.
I didn't write this for attention or so people feel bad or to fish for compliments. I just, I guess I needed to talk about this stuff.
I'm so sorry, I know I'm usually funnier. Maybe I will be tomorrow.
Have a great night, everyone. Happy Holidays
Love,
Bailey S. Fox
<3
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