So
I didn't get it.
I didn't get the role.
Quite honestly I'm crushed. I really thought I'd get it.
But I didn't.
And I kept a stiff upper lip (Come see Crazy for You) through out the day, and a mile of the school I started crying in my friends car. And it's embarrassing because it's not the end of the world I didn't get the lead in my high school show, but it really weakened my confidence. I put four prior years of my life working up to this, and I thought I'd get it, and I didn't. And Like there are a lot of shitty thoughts running through my head, like maybe I'm not good enough. And maybe I'm good enough to be a side character and have a solo, but I'm not good enough to carry a whole show. And maybe I'm not good enough to make it in the real world. Like people always tell me how good I am but then I never get the roles. And It's hard, because I work my ass off. Shows are my top priority in my life, and I can't quite get it, I can't get the lead. It's heartbreaking. How can I justify sending myself into thousands of dollars of debt if I can't even get the lead in a show? And Like I said previously, I don't want to be that guy, I don't want to be ungrateful, because I got a good role, and I'll have fun and I'll work my ass off. I always do. It just hurts that I didn't get it. People looked me in the eye, and told me they didn't think I'd get Troy, and they were right. And it's so stupid that I can't just get over this. And maybe it's even sabotage that I'm talking about this, but I didn't get it. Again, another year I didn't get the role. It also sucks because I gave up the shot at an equally sized role in Running to Places' production of "Company" just to not get the role that I wanted.
I have one more audition left in my senior year, and it's for Running to Places, and I'm up against a lot of talented people, maybe more talented than I. Considering all my male peers that I'll probably be going against have had their leads, and I haven't. My friend told me that being hurt is like giving birth, the harder you struggle the more it hurts, so it's best to just let the pain wash over you.
I got a good role, and I'm very thankful for it. But It's hard to hear that your time is still going to come when right now your future is still pretty uncertain. I know I'll kick ass and I know High School Musical will be wonderful. I'm just still sad that I didn't get it. I'm sad because I cared about the show and it meant a lot to me, not because I think I'm deserving of it or entitled to it.
I understand my attitude in Freshman year a little more now. Being apathetic was safe, it's so much scarier to care. Because you can't be hurt if you don't care. Caring opens yourself up to being hurt. Oh well, I'll get it next time. I won't become apathetic.
I'm sorry that this post is a bit of a downer. I'm not going to let this failure get the best of me, and I'll give it my all in just a few months for my final auditions. And I'll try and get the lead then. And until then I'll work, I'll work harder than before. And I'll do my best to be the best person on stage. I'll work at the show. So hard, I won't give up on the show because it doesn't star me. I won't let my disappointment become bitterness. I'm proud of my friends for their success and I'm proud of myself for my success. And I'm proud of my sister for getting a role in the show. <3
I wrote this because this is what I feel right now, I wrote this because it's important to know even a cocky son of a bitch likes me fails sometimes. And I'm accepting it with as much dignity and grace as I can.
Thank you for reading, love you all.
Happy Holidays
<3
I didn't get it.
I didn't get the role.
Quite honestly I'm crushed. I really thought I'd get it.
But I didn't.
And I kept a stiff upper lip (Come see Crazy for You) through out the day, and a mile of the school I started crying in my friends car. And it's embarrassing because it's not the end of the world I didn't get the lead in my high school show, but it really weakened my confidence. I put four prior years of my life working up to this, and I thought I'd get it, and I didn't. And Like there are a lot of shitty thoughts running through my head, like maybe I'm not good enough. And maybe I'm good enough to be a side character and have a solo, but I'm not good enough to carry a whole show. And maybe I'm not good enough to make it in the real world. Like people always tell me how good I am but then I never get the roles. And It's hard, because I work my ass off. Shows are my top priority in my life, and I can't quite get it, I can't get the lead. It's heartbreaking. How can I justify sending myself into thousands of dollars of debt if I can't even get the lead in a show? And Like I said previously, I don't want to be that guy, I don't want to be ungrateful, because I got a good role, and I'll have fun and I'll work my ass off. I always do. It just hurts that I didn't get it. People looked me in the eye, and told me they didn't think I'd get Troy, and they were right. And it's so stupid that I can't just get over this. And maybe it's even sabotage that I'm talking about this, but I didn't get it. Again, another year I didn't get the role. It also sucks because I gave up the shot at an equally sized role in Running to Places' production of "Company" just to not get the role that I wanted.
I have one more audition left in my senior year, and it's for Running to Places, and I'm up against a lot of talented people, maybe more talented than I. Considering all my male peers that I'll probably be going against have had their leads, and I haven't. My friend told me that being hurt is like giving birth, the harder you struggle the more it hurts, so it's best to just let the pain wash over you.
I got a good role, and I'm very thankful for it. But It's hard to hear that your time is still going to come when right now your future is still pretty uncertain. I know I'll kick ass and I know High School Musical will be wonderful. I'm just still sad that I didn't get it. I'm sad because I cared about the show and it meant a lot to me, not because I think I'm deserving of it or entitled to it.
I understand my attitude in Freshman year a little more now. Being apathetic was safe, it's so much scarier to care. Because you can't be hurt if you don't care. Caring opens yourself up to being hurt. Oh well, I'll get it next time. I won't become apathetic.
I'm sorry that this post is a bit of a downer. I'm not going to let this failure get the best of me, and I'll give it my all in just a few months for my final auditions. And I'll try and get the lead then. And until then I'll work, I'll work harder than before. And I'll do my best to be the best person on stage. I'll work at the show. So hard, I won't give up on the show because it doesn't star me. I won't let my disappointment become bitterness. I'm proud of my friends for their success and I'm proud of myself for my success. And I'm proud of my sister for getting a role in the show. <3
I wrote this because this is what I feel right now, I wrote this because it's important to know even a cocky son of a bitch likes me fails sometimes. And I'm accepting it with as much dignity and grace as I can.
Thank you for reading, love you all.
Happy Holidays
<3
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