Insecurity Guard

I want to start out by saying welcome to the first blog post of 2015, it only took 2/3rds of a month for me to bother writing it!

I want to thank everyone because on New Years Eve the blog past 4,000 views and that is remarkable to me.

Another milestone was met as well and on January 14th my blog received its first hateful comment with "You are such a faggot go die" and this is where we begin today's blog post.

Now I have several problems with this comment, one is the idea they think the word faggot needs to be used as an insult, that's just pathetic and unoriginal. Not only is the idea of being gay completely non offensive, it's just not original. There is a long list of things you could call me that are more offensive.

But the grander point is that in all honesty this post kinda bothered me. There are plenty of times where I totally deserved some hate mail, like on my post on religion. Or at least more people calling out my typos and poor grammar. But this one comment, it bugged me. It blindsided me. I've always been a cocky, some might even go as far as to call me arrogant and appallingly egotistical and narcissistic, and that comes from a place of insecurity. If I open up too much, if I admit I do overly cutesy stuff and that I'm emotional, if I admit I cried at FAME on Friday, or during Big Hero 6, or got choked up at the end of Into the Woods, well then people know I can be hurt, and then they have this thing to use against you. This is why Superman doesn't go around advertising kryptonite. It's why super heros have secret identities. Because if they didn't then Doctor Octopus would totally murder the hell out of Aunt May, and no one wants that. My ego is my secret identity, if people don't know about the sensitive part of me, or think that it's impossible to get to, then they won't try to. No one bothers punching superman if they know they can't hurt him.

But, this blog has become a place for me to be more honest and open, it's been kind of a safe place for me. So that maybe people understand me better, they'll think "Maybe he isn't a huge cock." because despite my narcissistic ways, I want to be liked more than anything. I don't want people to hate me, I want to impress and surprise people. I want to relate to people, I want them to know even though I have a comically cliche hard time expressing it, I care a great deal about a lot of people. But again, I use this toxic mixture of apathy and ego to protect me and keep people at arms length.

Another thing I do is I'm really degrading to myself, not in a way that I want people to correct me and tell me how wonderful I am, but in a way that if I beat you to the punch then you have no reason to try. It's a kamikaze approach and it's a dumb and foolish one. But if I can get people to think that it doesn't bother me then they won't try.

I realize these things are dumb and childish, this egotistical moxie isn't exactly fake, I am entirely self-obsessed and no amount of honesty will ever make that go away, it's just a part of who I am. But I feel like I need to be better at communicating with people that I care, I need to be more honest about my softer emotional side, because that's nothing to me ashamed of, it doesn't make me any less masculine being honest about it and it's a stupid destructive way of looking at emotions. Because if you can't cry when Ben proposed to Leslie on Parks and Rec, then what the hell can you do?

They may take our lives but they cannot take our freedom to cry like a god damn human being.

So this is like the end of the first Iron Man, except of admitting I'm Iron man I am admitting a bunch of emotional stuff and I'm not rich, or Robert Downey Jr. maybe it's nothing like the end of Iron Man.

The Truth is, I cried at Big Hero 6

So here's my confession: I cry. I like cuddling. I am extremely ticklish. I like playing with small children. I slept with a stuffed animal until 7th grade, that stuffed animal is on my bookshelf still. I like pop music sometimes. I enjoyed the movie Mean Girls. I like saying cutesy stuff to my girlfriend. I like posting an obnoxious amount of pictures of us together on the internet. I'm confident enough in my sexuality to appreciate hot guys. I really liked playing with pocket pets in 4th grade. When I was in preschool I was obsessed with the little Mermaid and the musical Annie. The second Indiana Jones movie is my favorite, I really enjoy a good love story like a really well written one not the Notebook. Despite seeming extroverted I really enjoy time alone and as soon as I get home I sequester myself in my room in order to be able to interact with people the next day. I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I really need people's approval and attention. I thought I looked good in the fedora picture until I was told I didn't 2 years after it was taken. I'm petrified of disappointing my parents by failing at acting and writing. I want to do overly romantic things for my girlfriend but feel I will be mocked and marginalized because of my age and my "incapacity to know what love is." I think overly romantic things are bad ass and should always be done. I don't think I should be told what I can and cannot feel. What I am too young to understand, because maybe in 15 years I'll look back and think I'm stupid but I don't really care what 31 year old Bailey thinks right now, that's a long ways away and he has a different perspective than what I do now. I shouldn't be stopped from learning because I'll never grow if I can't see the light. What I feel and experience now is real to me and that's real enough for it to matter.

The list could go on and on, the point is, these aren't things I should be ashamed of, but, society dictates that because I am a heterosexual male, or a teenager these things are off limits or taboo for me to openly appreciate, feel, think or do. That these make me immasculine and weak or stupid and immature. In my opinion the people who are so brazenly and religiously devoted to preserving their masculinity by societies standards are weak. Those who put others down for their hobbies and things they enjoy or feel are weak. Those who need to prove their masculinity or maturity by making fun of the kid who is in chorus or the kid who tells his girlfriend he loves her is weak and immature. And until we as a society realize that these are stupid, trite and destructive practices we will never progress.

 The truth is I am an emotionally squishy person and I have soft spots and sore spots and I get hurt and sad and embarassed and I am human, I cry. And That doesn't make me any less or any more than what I am, and what I am is Bailey god damn Fox, mofos.

Thank you as always for reading and supporting me, it means a lot. Thank you to the lovely Misty Boudreault for editing my posts and keeping me from sounding like a complete idiot, also for loving and dating me despite the fact I might be a bit of an idiot sometimes.

Thanks again for reading.
Love,
Bailey S. Fox <3


All Rights Reserved

Copyright Superduck productions 2015

2014: A Retrospective

So, I want to start out by thanking everyone who has read my blog since its beginning in February of this year, the support and feedback have been astounding and wonderful and I truly love you all.

This post will be both a personal retrospective and me talking about all the cool stuff I saw this year, so it will be broken into two sections.

PART ONE

2014: A Year in Being Bailey.

2014 has been a year of self discovery and growth. And it's partially thanks to this blog, hearing about other people's thoughts and feelings and how what I ramble about affects them has been an incredible experience and one I hope to continue into 2015. I've made a lot of new friends in 2014 and they have made my life so much better just by existing. I have found a sense of support, love, and acceptance that I never thought I'd have and never knew I was missing. I got the lead in my school show which is another experience I never thought I'd be able to have. I feel like I've really found myself as a person this year and I've become someone at least I can be proud of.

I've lost a lot of my shame, I don't feel ashamed for my undying of Taylor Swift's new album. I don't feel ashamed that my Christmas gifts included new Legos, a Lego book, the Lego movie, a Nerf gun and novelty socks. I don't feel ashamed to sing and perform before a crowd. I don't feel ashamed for my laugh or my voice or my smile or my hair or my body and I refuse to let people try to make me feel it. I love the way I dress and the people I surround myself with.

I refused to let people label me as masculine or not masculine based on my interests or personality because that's a dumb thing to base an arbitrary label on. My masculinity isn't based on if I have a pink lunchbox or not. It's not based on what my hobbies are.You shouldn't try to change yourself to better fit this label, or any label, because that is an unhealthy and dumb way to think. You're an amazing human being no matter what people label you as. It's time to grow up and break out of this hyper-masculine way of thinking that makes even grooming yourself and moisturizing your face as something "feminine" and "weak." I like those fruity smelling hand sanitizers and lotions, that doesn't in anyway make me more or less of a man. It doesn't dictate what gender or people I'm attracted to and it doesn't really affect anyone else but me. The fact that I like fruity smelling hand sanitizers doesn't and shouldn't really matter to anyone else.

This year I think I've finally started to truly love myself and not have to overcompensate for my insecurity with my ego. I think I've finally become a good person, I've done a lot of lousy things to people in the past. I've been immature and hurtful and rude and I've done a lot of not cool things to people I've cared about and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to anyone I've wronged. I hope you can forgive me, I'll try to do better in 2015.

And that's what New Years is about, trying to do better. It's about accepting all of the crazy, lame, hurtful, lousy, painful, things that happened in the previous year and then trying to make the next year better. Trying to be a better you. Trying to make your life better and love the people around you better. And that's my resolution. I want to love the people around be more. I want to be a better friend and significant other. I want to be less defensive and more loving. So happy New Years everyone, let's make 2015 a good year.




PART TWO:

2014: A Year in Really Good Movies and Music.

MOVIES/TV:
Here are my top 10 movies and TV Shows I saw in 2014 in no real order.

10) The Lego Movie
9) Godzilla
8) Big Hero 6
7) Guardians of the Galaxy
6) The Skeleton Twins
5) Community
4) Parks and Rec
3) Sherlock
2) Last Week Tonight
1) The Colbert Report (Good night, sweet prince)

MUSIC
Top 10 Albums from 2014 in no real order

10) Hungry Ghosts- Ok Go
9) Everything Will be Alright in the End- Weezer
8) Saint Vincent- Saint Vincent
7) 1989- Taylor Swift
6) Sonic Highways- The Foo Fighters
5) The Guardians of the Galaxy Soundtrack
4) Strange Desire- The Bleachers
3) Morning Phase- Beck
2) The Lego Movie Soundtrack
1) Wrong- The Airborne Toxic Event



So, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been reading the blog this year and I hope your 2015 is the best year yet. Thank you all so much for reading this extra long post. Happy Holidays, I'll write again in 2015!

<3

Bailey S. Fox

I Gotta Feeling 21 is Gonna Be a Good Year

So, 2014 is almost done, thank god. It seems everyone I've talked to is ready for this year to be over. Not to say that this year was all for nothing, I started this blog which at the time I'm writing has over 3,600 views and that is absolutely nuts and I'm so overwhelmingly arrogant and humbled by and about that it's crazy. I love you all, thank you.

But back to the subject of the year ending. It's a really crazy thing that we just assume because we start a new year everything is going to change. That the difference between 11:59 on December 31st, 2014 and 12:00 January 1st, 2015 will make some kind of huge, monumental difference, that this year will be the year I get my life together. But there's no guarantee, there is nothing saying that 2015 has to be any better than 2014. But, every part of my being wants to believe that it will be, it has the potential to be. Maybe I'll get the girl in 2015, maybe I'll be happy with the way I look, maybe I'll get in shape, maybe I'll watch the final 3 episodes of Chuck, maybe I'll get the lead in the school show. New Years is this time of year where you can be ironically optimistic about the future and what it holds. We hold these huge celebrations honoring a date on a calendar, when some person arbitrarily said that this, this is when the year starts and ends. And it's wonderful, I really do believe that 2015 has this huge amount of potential to be a really amazing year, I mean Star Wars Episode VII and Avengers 2 alone make me excited.

New Years is a time to get together with people you love and celebrate and be hopeful. It's a time to tell those you love how much they mean to you. It's a time for change. Where we drop millions of pound of confetti with people's wishes literally written on them on a crowd after dropping a huge ball from the top of a sky scraper.

So as the month goes on remember this.

Happy Holidays, Thank you all, for everything.
<3

Bailey S. Fox

(Copyright Bailey Olmstead 2014)

The Man in the Mirror

So before I get to the meaty emotional part of the blog I want to address a few things.

Yes, Michael Jackson references are cliche but who really cares?

Yes I know the blog posts have been erratically placed and not as deep as usual and far apart and I'm sorry.

Finally "Shake it Off" By Taylor Swift is probably the single greatest song to have ever existed and if you don't think so then you're wrong.

Now, to the good stuff.

I've mentioned my issues with self loathing before but I'm gonna address a slightly different part and I'm gonna talk about how I see myself.

I like to imagine myself as kinda like a cowboy or a lone knight wandering, fighting the world, fighting injustice and the man. Like Han Solo or something. Always delivering snappy one-liners and being really cool and smart and callous on the outside but caring deep down. I want to imagine that I'm very scholarly but in like an Indiana jones way, basically I want to be the characters Harrison Ford portrays.

Now I know I'm not, but that's the problem, I know I'm not. I know, or I think all I am in the end is an out of shape geeky kid with a superiority complex and an ego fit for three.

There are people I want to talk to and people I want to have friendships with or date or whatever, but I'm so convinced and scared that I'm just this annoying kid who no one likes and then I sabotage myself by over compensating and being rude and egotistical and pretentious. And as time has gone on it's gotten worse, I feel myself making the transition from Anakin Skywalker to Darth Vader, becoming more bitter and more comfortable with it. And part of me doesn't like it, I don't like how I'm becoming more bitter, I'm usually pretty happy but it's just been seeming more inconvenient not to be grouchy and crotchety. I want to be in a good mood and adventure all the time but between work and school I don't really have that luxury.

I am a person of extremes, in my head I believe either someone loves me or they hate me and if I talk to them too much they're going to end up hating me. I'm going to push someone away and give them reason not to like me, and I need to stop thinking like that because the cruel irony is that is what makes people not like me.

I'm really hard on myself and I need to stop being, because while I might not be a perfect human being or an action hero I am me, and I'm a decent guy. I'm a decent writer with good friends and a bright future, I'm funny sometimes, I'm good in school and I am a good person with good intentions most of the time. I love me and I am good enough.


One of the things I think a lot of people miss about the millennials is that they've grown up in a hyper connected world, they know they're not alone. They're learning how it's okay to be a dude who likes dudes, or a girl that wants to dress like a guy and they know it's okay for boys to wear "women's" clothing and not have it define them in anyway other than they have a sweet ass dress on and they can pull it off. We grow up in this world where depression is a normal thing not because it's spreading and it's more prevalent but it's okay to have and to be public about. Having anxiety or a mental disorder isn't shameful and shouldn't be hidden. Because we're all these beautiful unique creatures who can't be, and shouldn't be ashamed of who they are, what they like and how they define themselves.  

And you, you beautiful blog reader you, you need to be kinder to yourself. You're a wonderful beautiful human being who is full of life and potential, don't go pissing that away with bitterness and anger. You deserve to be happy and you deserve not to hate yourself. You deserve to chase the dreams you have and buy that one thing you don't need but it'd be totally awesome to own. You are cool enough to talk to that person you're afraid to and you shouldn't let anyone else, especially you tell you otherwise.You should do what makes you happy and talk about it with as many people who will listen. Love life and love the world and go out and experience it, damn it. Love yourself, love life, love who you are and what you do.

As always you can message me on Facebook or on Tumblr or email me.

You should also check out The Honest Beauty Project which is a super awesome thing being put on my a good friend of mine, you should all go check it out.

As always thank you for reading, I love you all dearly. <3

Bailey S. Fox

Pennies for the Passionless

So I'm normally a very passionate person.

And lately I have just not been feeling it.

I feel like there's this big gray blanket of indifference over me.

So I'm going to force myself to blog and try and jumpstart my love.

Personally I felt my last blog post was very lack luster. I've tried to write so many blog posts but just quit because of the lack of passion in them. I've been like this for a few weeks, there's just an overwhelming lack of passion and excitement in me it's killing me. I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally sluggish and unresponsive. I really really want to get overly excited about something or overly passionate and happy over it but the past few weeks have been leaving me out to dry. I'm not 100% sure what to do.

It's been in my interactions with people, my writing, my thinking, my actions. I don't know what it is but there's a difference. There's no strong feelings about anything, just a lot of indifference or muted feelings. I usually feel things in explosive bursts but there's been none of that. I need that excitement, that drive.

I'm asking you guys, what are you passionate about? What do you really care about. Tell me, somehow. I want to hear it in hopes that maybe that'll kickstart my passion and we can move on from this slump.

Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?

As a child, superman was my favorite superhero. But as I got older, superman seemed childish and less cool, which as it seems is how everyone else seems to feel judging by the dark and gritty superman things we've seen in the last decade.

Grr, I'm Superman. Grr

But this isn't really a blog complaining about Superman. This is more a blog exploring my personal relationship with the idea of Superman and Clark Kent.

As I've said previously I've always struggled with my self image. And lately I've felt kinda bored and lost within myself, and I don't really know how to break out of this funk I find myself in. And since I can't seem to save myself I've been trying to save others. Because if I can save someone else then I can save myself or someone else can save me. And I've been wearing a lot of red and blue because I'm Superman, damn it. Or at least I can pretend to be.

Superman is the quintessential superhero. Everyone knows who Superman, he fights against evil and saves the world from people who wish to do it harm. Not because his parents are dead or because he was irradiated by gamma rays or any other reasons, he does it because he can't understand not doing the right thing.

During the writing of this blog post I received a phone call about my National Honors Society application. Apparently the board in charge of admitting people is split 50/50 on letting me in. Tuesday I have to go in and give a presentation on why I should be allowed into the society, based off the rubric, it's supposed to be a non-arrogant, introspective presentation to the principal.

OH THANK GOD I GET TO BE NON-ARROGANT AND PRESENT TO AN AUTHORITY FIGURE ON WHY I'M GOOD ENOUGH. THIS IS ALMOST TOO EASY, ALL OF MY STRENGTHS.

Okay, rant over, luckily this relates to this blog, great timing.

So, if you can't tell sometimes I have trouble feeling like I'm good enough, so I compensate with being arrogant. That combined with my lack of trust in authority figures brings us back to the point I want to make.

Superman isn't just an alien, he was a baby, rocketed to Earth and raised as a human. He sees Clark Kent and Superman as two separate people. I don't agree with Kill Bill, Superman doesn't think that man is weak, he sees Clark as what mankind is and Superman as what humanity can be, not the superpowers, per say, but rather as symbols of hope and good. He believes humanity can be strong, humanity can be powerful, and brave, and good. We don't have to be cowards, we don't have to be evil. Superman isn't a symbol for America, he's a symbol of hope for two young Jewish kids who created him.

And we can distil this idea further, Superman is the way I embody this idea, that I can be better, that I can fight another day, I can move on and keep going, and that's all I need. But, you can use anything that gives you hope, this is just how I keep going. I know that even though things suck and seem grim I can fight against shit and not give up. And sometimes that's enough.

I like to a lot of the times wear an outfit comprised of red and blue, not because it matches my sneakers, but because it reminds be of superman and I can keep going. I can save the day, I can win and keep going.

<3

Bailey S. Fox

Shine on You Crazy Diamond

For a large part of my life I have struggled with self-loathing. And I've kinda-sorta addressed this in various blogs but for the most part I've avoided tackling the topic as whole. I have multiple drafts starting to address the topic but I wanted to avoid sounding whiny or preachy. But after one of my favorite writers made this post on Cracked.com I decided it's time to man up and write about it.

Now, before anyone asks, yes I am fine. I'm not struggling with suicide or depression. Thank you for your concern <3

I've always loved attention, from the moment I could move I've wanted all eyes on me. This mindset comes with its own set of problems, including the alienation of others.

For a large part of my life I lacked social skills, I'd go up to people and ask to be their friend, and the other kids found this weird. I was, hyperactive and super positive all the time. I was always over the top excited. I'd lose 5 minutes of recess because I couldn't stop calling out in class. People would make fun of me because I was too loud, or I said the wrong things, or liked the wrong cartoons. When I was in 5th grade people made fun of me for being immature because I still watched cartoons. I was made fun of because my voice was too high. I forced my singing voice to be lower like the other boys so they'd stop teasing me.

I could list a dozen more stories, but that's not what this post is about.

Eventually I became afraid to do things, and I stopped. I became angst-y and less excited. I tried really hard to be more reserved and sit still more. I was miserable, but, people started to like me.

The period of time between 7th grade and 10th grade was a time of self discovery. I changed who I was a lot. I stopped wanting to be an engineer and focused on writing and acting. In 9th grade I stopped wearing my glasses because people made fun of me; I still feel self-conscious wearing them. If I was around a girl I liked I'd lose control and the awkward hyperactive kid would rear his head and I'd scare her away. The more emotion I felt the harder it was to control myself. I tried really hard to make myself insult proof. I didn't wear clothes that I thought people wouldn't like. I always had my mom with me when we went shopping and I'd ask her a bunch of times before I bought something. It was a huge deal when I bought clothes on my own for the first time. I over thought all my interactions with people. I was afraid to enter into new social interactions with new people because I didn't know what to say that they'd like. Auditions were awful because I was putting myself in the situation to be judged which was one of my biggest fears.

In 9th grade I made three friends that would change my life. They protected me, and cared for me but trusted me. They made me feel loved and accepted for who I was. I never had to use an act around them. I spent all of my time with them and caught a lot of flack for always talking about them but it was hard not to. A lot of the other people I spent my time with made me kinda feel shitty. One day during the summer I had an emotional breakdown in a park when I was waiting for my mom and they called and texted me non-stop until I was better. When I ran away from home one of them threatened to take me back unless I promised to work things out with my parents on my own.

I dreaded 10th grade because the three friends went off to college. I felt as if I was on my own.

10th grade was a great year.

It had a rough start but through the year I found myself. I became confident in who I was and it affected my relationships with people. I became the person I always thought I was. I didn't have to put on an act in front of people. Because I found more people who love me unconditionally. People who I can be super excited about dumb stuff with. People who want to go on adventures with me and spend time with me and don't make me feel bad because of how I act. I found the ability to love myself.

And there are still people who make me feel bad about myself, who tell me who I am is wrong and that when people don't like me it's my fault. There are people who tell me how to live, how to be better, who don't support me. People who treat me like some kid who doesn't know better. They're condescending and hurtful. Even if they have the best intentions it's still not right. They're telling me that who I am is wrong, and that shit is not cool. If you want an example the song Popular from the musical Wicked is a good example. I've done my best to move away from these people. Because I've learned that I shouldn't change who I am to be to please these people. I shouldn't because it will never be enough. No matter what I do it won't please them. And changing myself makes me less happy. I don't want to spend time around these people.

I want to say I'm 100% over my self hating. I'm not. It's still something I struggle with, but, it's made easier being surrounded by people who love you. I'm still that awkward, hyperactive kid who is overly positive and excited, I'm just taller and have better hair. And I'm proud to be that kid. I hope the people I love are proud of that kid.

I want you to know you're not alone. You have people who love you. If you ever need to talk you can email me at Bailey.f98@gmail.com, message me on Tumblr add me on Facebook and message me. I don't care how you do but if you ever need anyone, message me, get a hold of me. I'll be there for you.

Never be afraid to be a person that makes you happy. Follow your passions, no matter what. Life is pointless unless you have things to get stupid happy about. Remember you are loved and remember to love. You might be hyperactive, you might be fidgety and anxiety ridden, you might be loud and obnoxious and weird but never, ever let people make you feel less then amazing. You're a beautiful human being and there is no one quite like you and you should be proud of that.

Thank you for reading this, it's super long and super personal but I finally felt the need to get it out there. This was actually super hard to write but I'm glad I did. It's important to be honest about who you are. Daniel Radcliffe said this quote and I figure it's a good way to end this post.

            “A hero is also someone who, in their day to day interactions with the world, despite all the    pain, uncertainty and doubt that can plague us, is resiliently and unashamedly themselves. If you can wake up every day and be emotionally open and honest regardless of what you get back from the world then you can be the hero of your own story. Each and every person who can say that despite life’s various buffetings that they are proud to be the person they are is a hero. Now I do have to mention the real heroes of The Trevor Project, the men and women volunteers, all of whom stand up day after day answering the calls of desperate teens whose circumstances have pushed them to the edge of the abyss. To take that call, and say yes, I will be the one who saves this life takes such courage and compassion. Hemingway’s definition of ‘grace under pressure’ seems fitting as the job they do is every bit as important, and every bit as delicate as a soldier defusing a bomb.”
― Daniel Radcliffe


Shine on you crazy diamond.

<3

-Bailey S. Fox