Shine on You Crazy Diamond

For a large part of my life I have struggled with self-loathing. And I've kinda-sorta addressed this in various blogs but for the most part I've avoided tackling the topic as whole. I have multiple drafts starting to address the topic but I wanted to avoid sounding whiny or preachy. But after one of my favorite writers made this post on Cracked.com I decided it's time to man up and write about it.

Now, before anyone asks, yes I am fine. I'm not struggling with suicide or depression. Thank you for your concern <3

I've always loved attention, from the moment I could move I've wanted all eyes on me. This mindset comes with its own set of problems, including the alienation of others.

For a large part of my life I lacked social skills, I'd go up to people and ask to be their friend, and the other kids found this weird. I was, hyperactive and super positive all the time. I was always over the top excited. I'd lose 5 minutes of recess because I couldn't stop calling out in class. People would make fun of me because I was too loud, or I said the wrong things, or liked the wrong cartoons. When I was in 5th grade people made fun of me for being immature because I still watched cartoons. I was made fun of because my voice was too high. I forced my singing voice to be lower like the other boys so they'd stop teasing me.

I could list a dozen more stories, but that's not what this post is about.

Eventually I became afraid to do things, and I stopped. I became angst-y and less excited. I tried really hard to be more reserved and sit still more. I was miserable, but, people started to like me.

The period of time between 7th grade and 10th grade was a time of self discovery. I changed who I was a lot. I stopped wanting to be an engineer and focused on writing and acting. In 9th grade I stopped wearing my glasses because people made fun of me; I still feel self-conscious wearing them. If I was around a girl I liked I'd lose control and the awkward hyperactive kid would rear his head and I'd scare her away. The more emotion I felt the harder it was to control myself. I tried really hard to make myself insult proof. I didn't wear clothes that I thought people wouldn't like. I always had my mom with me when we went shopping and I'd ask her a bunch of times before I bought something. It was a huge deal when I bought clothes on my own for the first time. I over thought all my interactions with people. I was afraid to enter into new social interactions with new people because I didn't know what to say that they'd like. Auditions were awful because I was putting myself in the situation to be judged which was one of my biggest fears.

In 9th grade I made three friends that would change my life. They protected me, and cared for me but trusted me. They made me feel loved and accepted for who I was. I never had to use an act around them. I spent all of my time with them and caught a lot of flack for always talking about them but it was hard not to. A lot of the other people I spent my time with made me kinda feel shitty. One day during the summer I had an emotional breakdown in a park when I was waiting for my mom and they called and texted me non-stop until I was better. When I ran away from home one of them threatened to take me back unless I promised to work things out with my parents on my own.

I dreaded 10th grade because the three friends went off to college. I felt as if I was on my own.

10th grade was a great year.

It had a rough start but through the year I found myself. I became confident in who I was and it affected my relationships with people. I became the person I always thought I was. I didn't have to put on an act in front of people. Because I found more people who love me unconditionally. People who I can be super excited about dumb stuff with. People who want to go on adventures with me and spend time with me and don't make me feel bad because of how I act. I found the ability to love myself.

And there are still people who make me feel bad about myself, who tell me who I am is wrong and that when people don't like me it's my fault. There are people who tell me how to live, how to be better, who don't support me. People who treat me like some kid who doesn't know better. They're condescending and hurtful. Even if they have the best intentions it's still not right. They're telling me that who I am is wrong, and that shit is not cool. If you want an example the song Popular from the musical Wicked is a good example. I've done my best to move away from these people. Because I've learned that I shouldn't change who I am to be to please these people. I shouldn't because it will never be enough. No matter what I do it won't please them. And changing myself makes me less happy. I don't want to spend time around these people.

I want to say I'm 100% over my self hating. I'm not. It's still something I struggle with, but, it's made easier being surrounded by people who love you. I'm still that awkward, hyperactive kid who is overly positive and excited, I'm just taller and have better hair. And I'm proud to be that kid. I hope the people I love are proud of that kid.

I want you to know you're not alone. You have people who love you. If you ever need to talk you can email me at Bailey.f98@gmail.com, message me on Tumblr add me on Facebook and message me. I don't care how you do but if you ever need anyone, message me, get a hold of me. I'll be there for you.

Never be afraid to be a person that makes you happy. Follow your passions, no matter what. Life is pointless unless you have things to get stupid happy about. Remember you are loved and remember to love. You might be hyperactive, you might be fidgety and anxiety ridden, you might be loud and obnoxious and weird but never, ever let people make you feel less then amazing. You're a beautiful human being and there is no one quite like you and you should be proud of that.

Thank you for reading this, it's super long and super personal but I finally felt the need to get it out there. This was actually super hard to write but I'm glad I did. It's important to be honest about who you are. Daniel Radcliffe said this quote and I figure it's a good way to end this post.

            “A hero is also someone who, in their day to day interactions with the world, despite all the    pain, uncertainty and doubt that can plague us, is resiliently and unashamedly themselves. If you can wake up every day and be emotionally open and honest regardless of what you get back from the world then you can be the hero of your own story. Each and every person who can say that despite life’s various buffetings that they are proud to be the person they are is a hero. Now I do have to mention the real heroes of The Trevor Project, the men and women volunteers, all of whom stand up day after day answering the calls of desperate teens whose circumstances have pushed them to the edge of the abyss. To take that call, and say yes, I will be the one who saves this life takes such courage and compassion. Hemingway’s definition of ‘grace under pressure’ seems fitting as the job they do is every bit as important, and every bit as delicate as a soldier defusing a bomb.”
― Daniel Radcliffe


Shine on you crazy diamond.

<3

-Bailey S. Fox