I want to start out by saying welcome to the first blog post of 2015, it only took 2/3rds of a month for me to bother writing it!
I want to thank everyone because on New Years Eve the blog past 4,000 views and that is remarkable to me.
Another milestone was met as well and on January 14th my blog received its first hateful comment with "You are such a faggot go die" and this is where we begin today's blog post.
Now I have several problems with this comment, one is the idea they think the word faggot needs to be used as an insult, that's just pathetic and unoriginal. Not only is the idea of being gay completely non offensive, it's just not original. There is a long list of things you could call me that are more offensive.
But the grander point is that in all honesty this post kinda bothered me. There are plenty of times where I totally deserved some hate mail, like on my post on religion. Or at least more people calling out my typos and poor grammar. But this one comment, it bugged me. It blindsided me. I've always been a cocky, some might even go as far as to call me arrogant and appallingly egotistical and narcissistic, and that comes from a place of insecurity. If I open up too much, if I admit I do overly cutesy stuff and that I'm emotional, if I admit I cried at FAME on Friday, or during Big Hero 6, or got choked up at the end of Into the Woods, well then people know I can be hurt, and then they have this thing to use against you. This is why Superman doesn't go around advertising kryptonite. It's why super heros have secret identities. Because if they didn't then Doctor Octopus would totally murder the hell out of Aunt May, and no one wants that. My ego is my secret identity, if people don't know about the sensitive part of me, or think that it's impossible to get to, then they won't try to. No one bothers punching superman if they know they can't hurt him.
But, this blog has become a place for me to be more honest and open, it's been kind of a safe place for me. So that maybe people understand me better, they'll think "Maybe he isn't a huge cock." because despite my narcissistic ways, I want to be liked more than anything. I don't want people to hate me, I want to impress and surprise people. I want to relate to people, I want them to know even though I have a comically cliche hard time expressing it, I care a great deal about a lot of people. But again, I use this toxic mixture of apathy and ego to protect me and keep people at arms length.
Another thing I do is I'm really degrading to myself, not in a way that I want people to correct me and tell me how wonderful I am, but in a way that if I beat you to the punch then you have no reason to try. It's a kamikaze approach and it's a dumb and foolish one. But if I can get people to think that it doesn't bother me then they won't try.
I realize these things are dumb and childish, this egotistical moxie isn't exactly fake, I am entirely self-obsessed and no amount of honesty will ever make that go away, it's just a part of who I am. But I feel like I need to be better at communicating with people that I care, I need to be more honest about my softer emotional side, because that's nothing to me ashamed of, it doesn't make me any less masculine being honest about it and it's a stupid destructive way of looking at emotions. Because if you can't cry when Ben proposed to Leslie on Parks and Rec, then what the hell can you do?
So this is like the end of the first Iron Man, except of admitting I'm Iron man I am admitting a bunch of emotional stuff and I'm not rich, or Robert Downey Jr. maybe it's nothing like the end of Iron Man.
So here's my confession: I cry. I like cuddling. I am extremely ticklish. I like playing with small children. I slept with a stuffed animal until 7th grade, that stuffed animal is on my bookshelf still. I like pop music sometimes. I enjoyed the movie Mean Girls. I like saying cutesy stuff to my girlfriend. I like posting an obnoxious amount of pictures of us together on the internet. I'm confident enough in my sexuality to appreciate hot guys. I really liked playing with pocket pets in 4th grade. When I was in preschool I was obsessed with the little Mermaid and the musical Annie. The second Indiana Jones movie is my favorite, I really enjoy a good love story like a really well written one not the Notebook. Despite seeming extroverted I really enjoy time alone and as soon as I get home I sequester myself in my room in order to be able to interact with people the next day. I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I really need people's approval and attention. I thought I looked good in the fedora picture until I was told I didn't 2 years after it was taken. I'm petrified of disappointing my parents by failing at acting and writing. I want to do overly romantic things for my girlfriend but feel I will be mocked and marginalized because of my age and my "incapacity to know what love is." I think overly romantic things are bad ass and should always be done. I don't think I should be told what I can and cannot feel. What I am too young to understand, because maybe in 15 years I'll look back and think I'm stupid but I don't really care what 31 year old Bailey thinks right now, that's a long ways away and he has a different perspective than what I do now. I shouldn't be stopped from learning because I'll never grow if I can't see the light. What I feel and experience now is real to me and that's real enough for it to matter.
The list could go on and on, the point is, these aren't things I should be ashamed of, but, society dictates that because I am a heterosexual male, or a teenager these things are off limits or taboo for me to openly appreciate, feel, think or do. That these make me immasculine and weak or stupid and immature. In my opinion the people who are so brazenly and religiously devoted to preserving their masculinity by societies standards are weak. Those who put others down for their hobbies and things they enjoy or feel are weak. Those who need to prove their masculinity or maturity by making fun of the kid who is in chorus or the kid who tells his girlfriend he loves her is weak and immature. And until we as a society realize that these are stupid, trite and destructive practices we will never progress.
The truth is I am an emotionally squishy person and I have soft spots and sore spots and I get hurt and sad and embarassed and I am human, I cry. And That doesn't make me any less or any more than what I am, and what I am is Bailey god damn Fox, mofos.
Thank you as always for reading and supporting me, it means a lot. Thank you to the lovely Misty Boudreault for editing my posts and keeping me from sounding like a complete idiot, also for loving and dating me despite the fact I might be a bit of an idiot sometimes.
Thanks again for reading.
Love,
Bailey S. Fox <3
All Rights Reserved
Copyright Superduck productions 2015
I want to thank everyone because on New Years Eve the blog past 4,000 views and that is remarkable to me.
Another milestone was met as well and on January 14th my blog received its first hateful comment with "You are such a faggot go die" and this is where we begin today's blog post.
Now I have several problems with this comment, one is the idea they think the word faggot needs to be used as an insult, that's just pathetic and unoriginal. Not only is the idea of being gay completely non offensive, it's just not original. There is a long list of things you could call me that are more offensive.
But the grander point is that in all honesty this post kinda bothered me. There are plenty of times where I totally deserved some hate mail, like on my post on religion. Or at least more people calling out my typos and poor grammar. But this one comment, it bugged me. It blindsided me. I've always been a cocky, some might even go as far as to call me arrogant and appallingly egotistical and narcissistic, and that comes from a place of insecurity. If I open up too much, if I admit I do overly cutesy stuff and that I'm emotional, if I admit I cried at FAME on Friday, or during Big Hero 6, or got choked up at the end of Into the Woods, well then people know I can be hurt, and then they have this thing to use against you. This is why Superman doesn't go around advertising kryptonite. It's why super heros have secret identities. Because if they didn't then Doctor Octopus would totally murder the hell out of Aunt May, and no one wants that. My ego is my secret identity, if people don't know about the sensitive part of me, or think that it's impossible to get to, then they won't try to. No one bothers punching superman if they know they can't hurt him.
But, this blog has become a place for me to be more honest and open, it's been kind of a safe place for me. So that maybe people understand me better, they'll think "Maybe he isn't a huge cock." because despite my narcissistic ways, I want to be liked more than anything. I don't want people to hate me, I want to impress and surprise people. I want to relate to people, I want them to know even though I have a comically cliche hard time expressing it, I care a great deal about a lot of people. But again, I use this toxic mixture of apathy and ego to protect me and keep people at arms length.
Another thing I do is I'm really degrading to myself, not in a way that I want people to correct me and tell me how wonderful I am, but in a way that if I beat you to the punch then you have no reason to try. It's a kamikaze approach and it's a dumb and foolish one. But if I can get people to think that it doesn't bother me then they won't try.
I realize these things are dumb and childish, this egotistical moxie isn't exactly fake, I am entirely self-obsessed and no amount of honesty will ever make that go away, it's just a part of who I am. But I feel like I need to be better at communicating with people that I care, I need to be more honest about my softer emotional side, because that's nothing to me ashamed of, it doesn't make me any less masculine being honest about it and it's a stupid destructive way of looking at emotions. Because if you can't cry when Ben proposed to Leslie on Parks and Rec, then what the hell can you do?
 |
| They may take our lives but they cannot take our freedom to cry like a god damn human being. |
 |
| The Truth is, I cried at Big Hero 6 |
So here's my confession: I cry. I like cuddling. I am extremely ticklish. I like playing with small children. I slept with a stuffed animal until 7th grade, that stuffed animal is on my bookshelf still. I like pop music sometimes. I enjoyed the movie Mean Girls. I like saying cutesy stuff to my girlfriend. I like posting an obnoxious amount of pictures of us together on the internet. I'm confident enough in my sexuality to appreciate hot guys. I really liked playing with pocket pets in 4th grade. When I was in preschool I was obsessed with the little Mermaid and the musical Annie. The second Indiana Jones movie is my favorite, I really enjoy a good love story like a really well written one not the Notebook. Despite seeming extroverted I really enjoy time alone and as soon as I get home I sequester myself in my room in order to be able to interact with people the next day. I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I really need people's approval and attention. I thought I looked good in the fedora picture until I was told I didn't 2 years after it was taken. I'm petrified of disappointing my parents by failing at acting and writing. I want to do overly romantic things for my girlfriend but feel I will be mocked and marginalized because of my age and my "incapacity to know what love is." I think overly romantic things are bad ass and should always be done. I don't think I should be told what I can and cannot feel. What I am too young to understand, because maybe in 15 years I'll look back and think I'm stupid but I don't really care what 31 year old Bailey thinks right now, that's a long ways away and he has a different perspective than what I do now. I shouldn't be stopped from learning because I'll never grow if I can't see the light. What I feel and experience now is real to me and that's real enough for it to matter.
The list could go on and on, the point is, these aren't things I should be ashamed of, but, society dictates that because I am a heterosexual male, or a teenager these things are off limits or taboo for me to openly appreciate, feel, think or do. That these make me immasculine and weak or stupid and immature. In my opinion the people who are so brazenly and religiously devoted to preserving their masculinity by societies standards are weak. Those who put others down for their hobbies and things they enjoy or feel are weak. Those who need to prove their masculinity or maturity by making fun of the kid who is in chorus or the kid who tells his girlfriend he loves her is weak and immature. And until we as a society realize that these are stupid, trite and destructive practices we will never progress.
The truth is I am an emotionally squishy person and I have soft spots and sore spots and I get hurt and sad and embarassed and I am human, I cry. And That doesn't make me any less or any more than what I am, and what I am is Bailey god damn Fox, mofos.
Thank you as always for reading and supporting me, it means a lot. Thank you to the lovely Misty Boudreault for editing my posts and keeping me from sounding like a complete idiot, also for loving and dating me despite the fact I might be a bit of an idiot sometimes.
Thanks again for reading.
Love,
Bailey S. Fox <3
All Rights Reserved
Copyright Superduck productions 2015
ily
ReplyDeleteLove you squishy :P <3
ReplyDeleteYou're like Bruno Mars, you say what everyone is thinking - instead of singing it
ReplyDelete