Just You Wait

Today I'm talking about Hamilton: An American Musical.

This has been one of the biggest things in my life as of late, and I feel I should tell my tale of.
I remember the first time I heard of it. I was opening Buffalo Wild Wings listening to my favorite podcast, My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

You know who else is a big MBMBaM fan?

Lin Manuel Miranda.

And he was a guest, and it came up on the podcast, I was so excited. He was so cool on the podcast, so humble and real. Human, he gave me the courage I needed to launch myself back into the world of acting and writing.

To tell you the truth I was considering quitting. My last show had been Fiddler on the Roof, and it hadn't been the best for me. I felt alienated by the cast. I screwed up a show. I felt talentless. There was this makeup girl who knew me before I knew her and she was not my biggest fan.

And had it not been for Lin Manuel Miranda's guest spot on MBMBaM I'd be in a different place right now. I wouldn't have been George Banks in Mary Poppins, or any subsequent role I had after. I wouldn't be close to any of the people I am now. I wouldn't have convinced that makeup girl that I was an alright guy.

So let's fastforward a year-ish. And Hamilton the Musical is released on Amazon. And I'll tell you, that changed my life right then and there.

Alexander Hamilton was a protagonist unlike anyone I had ever experienced.

He was flawed. He was afraid. Alexander Hamilton by way of Lin Manuel Miranda was this braggadocios man, an explosion of humanity. He wasn't some kind of invincible tower, he wasn't machoman. He was human, he felt, he cried, he loved, he feared. He was arrogant and argumentative. He was angry and heroic and brave and brash. He made mistakes and he shaped America. I suddenly found this courage within me that I didn't know lie there. 

I'm self-obsessed. I'm arrogant. I can be condescending, I can be over-reactive, I can be pretentious, long-winded, annoying, sappy, foolish, impulsive, alienating, I can be all kinds of things.
And Alexander Hamilton taught me that is okay.

That doesn't mean I can't be a hero, that doesn't mean I couldn't change the world, that doesn't mean I'm not a good man with potential to reach my dreams.

Alexander Hamilton taught me my words were something to be proud of, a tool, a weapon, a power, not some second-rate sissy ability that I had because I'm lousy at athletics.

There is this righteous passion, this conviction that Hamilton has as a character. And I don't think there is a better way to showcase this than in hip-hop. This isn't something you can just belt, this is a man who wrote more in half a life then most men wrote in a lifetime, you need the rapid-fire syncopation rhythms of hip-hop to do it. And sometimes it's traditional musical theater, but Hamilton really is something else entirely.

This might be less about the music and more about the ideas and what I learned. It's more personal than song by song, 46 songs are quite a lot to do a play by play on.
Hamilton possess this need to prove himself to everyone to the world.
"...this obnoxious, arrogant, loudmouth bother..."
I mean, that's me.

I have a lot of good ideas, and I am confident they're good ones. I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I'm making it up as I go along. I'm just doing my best and I'm here to change the whole damn world.
There are so many lessons I've learned from Hamilton.

Let's bring back the angry makeup girl who hated me.

Her ringtone is "My Shot" From Hamilton. 

Three months after I discovered this fact we'd stand in my driveway arguing over whether Aaron Burr was a good man or not. It would be one AM when this fight took place.

If you haven't picked up on this yet the angry makeup girl is Caitlin.

She argued, and the music proved that villains are a matter of perspective. Aaron Burr became "The villain in your (Hamilton's) Story"

And that changed my perspective on things a bit. Maybe the people I view as the villains in my life, as melodramatic as that sounds, are just people I have the wrong perspective on.

Reality is subjective, no one can really give you an unbiased account, we all remember our own stories in a biased point of view. And it's easy to argue that at many times Hamilton became the villain in other's stories, and perhaps I'm the villain in other's stories. You don't get to decide "Who lives, who dies, who tells you story."

There are so many times throughout Hamilton that I relate to it.

"Eliza, I don’t have a dollar to my name
An acre of land, a troop to command, a dollop of fame
All I have’s my honor, a tolerance for pain
A couple of college credits and my top-notch brain"

I'm not here to say that I'm the smartest, but I will admit and brag that I'm clever, and I work hard to gain knowledge and give myself the most information I can. I am broke as hell and I mean jack squat to the world right now. I have nothing to offer except the clothes on my back and my wits. 

But again it's that desire, that drive, that hunger for more. For fame, for notoriety, to change the world.
The hunger to make a difference, to make a wave, to matter. 

I am the speck screaming at the universe that I matter.

I have the arrogance to believe that I, Bailey Olmstead, a nobody from nowhere can change the world.

I have the arrogance to believe that I, Bailey Olmstead, will be more than I am, more than what I have, I can rise above status and situation and create something, maybe not a whole country, but I'll be damned if I go quietly into the night.

The worlds gonna know my name.

Just you wait.

There is a reason this has blown up in the way it has, because the message of the underdog is an American story, Hamilton is an American story.

I'm not the only one this musical has made feel the way it has, and that's the idea.
On July 20th I will be going to New York City to see Hamilton, and I can't wait for my life to change once more. 

I'm going to need a lot of tissues.

There is a picture online of the first time Lin Manuel Miranda performed Hamilton, all those years ago. When he said the now iconic words "My Name is Alexander Hamilton" They had to pause for laughter, it was so ridiculous to people. Sunday night they had to pause for the screaming applause.
"They will laugh, keep writing." Lin tweeted to a young aspiring writer.

That hit home.

That really did.

I've spent a lot of time as the butt end of a joke, but hey, My Name is Bailey Olmstead, I'm only 17 but my mind is older. And I think I can do this, I know I can do this. 

I'm going to change the world.

Just you wait.

Sincerely,

Not Quite 1001 American Nights

It's been 2 years, 12,000+ views, 70 posts, over 100,000 words, hundreds of bad puns, and the constant emotional support of you, my friends and audience who read these. Thank you all, now and forever. What on Earth could I write about after two years? Well, I'm here to write about the one thing, depending on who you ask, I'm either the foremost expert in, or the least qualified person to ask.

They say to be considered and expert on anything you have to be at it for 10,000 hours.

Which is why this week I'm talking about relationships.

I know what some of the older readers are going to say (Dad, I'm typing at you here.) But, I think I have as much right to talk about his as I have had every other topic, so let's get down to it.

In this blog I have written about many girlfriends, and had others through out the course of my existance, and it's weird to me to be someone who is defined by that fact. Because to me it makes up such a smaller portion of who I am, but if you've met me in the last 5 years most likely the first words out of your mouth would have been "oh, you dated Insert ex's name here." And there is legitimacy to that, I really have dated a lot of people, 17 if you go by the Trumansburg count. And that's something I'm more ashamed of that I let on a lot of the time, I'm not ashamed of the women I've dated, and I won't ever be, because regardless of the comentary and thoughts of others, at one point or another I really did have feelings for these women, healthy or not, and therefore I shouldn't be ashamed.

No one should make you feel ashamed for how you feel/felt.

And in these five years, 17 girls, and any other number of psuedo/almost/near miss relationships I've had, I've learned a lot. And that's what I'm here to talk about.

Date someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

Duh.

Right?

I feel like John Mulaney and I are the only two people who missed out on that memo, but I have date women who have made me hate myself, adn only in time and growth have I learned that. I guess since I hated myself and I thought I was a piece of shit I also assumed that the women I date were supposed to reinforce that thought. As the book Perks of Being a Wallflower  so rightfully said, we accept the love we think we deserve.

Just remember, you're better than that.

I'm better than that.

Don't date a cheater.

Duh.

Right?

Context.

But seriously, that is a concious choice, and if they made it before they're likely to make it again and while redemtion is possible, the odds certainly aren't in your favor.

Don't leave your friends for them.

If they ask you to choice them or your friends, choose your friends, your freinds aren't going to sleep with their ex boyfriend instead of seeing your concert and hearing your sweet ass solo.

Listen, you're going to be hurt in relationships, that's a given.

No one gets out of this world in one whole peice, but you can't let that screw up what you have now, I've been a closed off guy. I've walled myself up to the world and it's a miserable and lonely existance, the idea of becoming a jaded old man is really tempting, but you know what, if you ask me, I'd rather wear my heart on my sleeve than ever building more walls.

There are a lot of reasons to be with a person and marry them and everything.


I know that I am infact, not married and will not be for several years, that does not mean I haven't learned something about it.

There are a lot of reasons to spend the rest of your life with someone, but make sure for the love of god, make sure it isn't something that is going to change, because if that's the foundation and it crumbles, then it all goes to shit.

I throw myself into relationships, and sometimes, most of the time it's not to my advantage, but I also know that it's a lot harder to undo the walls than it is to repair the damage left by not having them in the first place. Over the years I constructed a me that wasn't me, and that's a werid thing to think about. And I sti here before you all and the me-est me I have ever been. I've left behind the fear, I've left behind the arrogance and the anger. I've left behind a lot, and I've lost a lot but I've gained so much that I'd give it up all over again to keep what I have.

It's okay to leave too through.

The only thing worse than a failed relationship is staying around too long. As most of you know I have lost myself many a time trying to save people who don't want to be saved. It's okay to leave. Please, especially if it's for your own good. No matter the residual guilt, it's alright to leave, this is the hardest lesson I've had to learn.

I've been with people because I was lonely, I've been with people because I was impulsive, I've been with people because I was horny, I know I'm hippocritical here, but I also have learned from my mistakes. I know it's easy to look at me and only see a serial dater, but I stand here, adn I will attest to the death that I cared about these people, every last one of them. And while I have had relationships notorious throughout the county I do not regret them because they have made me into who I am today, and I think I'm a good guy.

The girl I'm with, Caitlin (Hi cait!)

She's spectacular, and she's the whole world to me. And I  have to remember the lessons I've learned with her. Specifically not to be a pretentious dick. Relationships are a lot of work, and I've been doing my best not to let this one crumble into disrepair. And I think I've done a really good job, I think it's going really well. I know it is. It's the best I've ever known.

I think being in love is offering to give up everything you have to be with the person but being safe in knowing that you won't have to. I have that.

I also know that I am me with or without whatever S/O I have.

And it's hard, as someone with 16 exes who just came out as bisexual, because a lot of people (mom) have called me out and questioned me, because like, I've dated so many girls how on Earth can anyone be expected to believe I'm also attracted to men?

On the other had I fear that my guy friends think I'm hitting on them when I'm just trying to be nice, regardless of what genitalia I am into I'm a really nice guy.

I also think the most important thing I've gained is female friends that I don't want to date or sleep with or anything. Female friends who are jsut friends, like every other friend I have, and I think it's dumb that people say you can't have friends of the gender you are attracted to.

It's dumb.

Society is dumb.

The virginity construct is a dumb idea, but until as a society we all let it go, then we will never be free of the irreparable damage it can cause.

Look at this kid, that's me four years ago Monday, he is two weeks away from losing his virginity and changing his life forever. That kid is someone totally different from who I am now and it's insane to me to think that we're the same person.

Listen kid, keep your head up, you'll figure it out someday. Until then, keep writing. 

And listen a lot of you might have gone through something similar, some of you might not want relationships, and I get that. All of you are perfect, no matter what you prefer.

I'm still learning and I'm still making mistakes. But hey, I think there is something special about this one.

I love her, I really do. I think I got it right this time, I really do.

Thank you for two successful years, when I stared this I couldn't imagine this level of love, success, or readership, thank you all. You're all wonderful people!

Also happy Valentines Day!

See you next week!

Godspeed.

I love you all.

<3

Sincerely, 

Bailey S. Fox

In the End

I'm really bad at being weekly, I'm sorry, I'll be better.

I have a feeling this one is going to get more poetic and maybe even borderline pretentious at points but that's just how I'm dealing with the topic, ya feel?

Anyway, when I was younger, when I was trying to sleep sometimes, a lot of times I'd lie in bed and start crying, because I realized everyone I know is going to die, a lot of them likely within my lifetime. And that's some heavy shit to think about, especially at 9 years old.

Endings have always been complex for me.

As I writer I have have struggled with them at times, as the plot occasionally just get's away from me and I struggle with bringing it back to center. This was more often a problem when I was younger and writing creative pieces for school. I'm better now, at least I hope.

Even endings for a TV show, I can put off finishing for weeks or years (Sorry, Jeffrey Ill finish it I swear) I crave resolution but I fear it at the same time. Like what do you do in the end? That's what we've been asking ourselves for millennium, isn't it?

That's why we make medicines to live longer and bigger guns to make the people that scare us live less.

I've always had a weird fascination with death. You can see it in my writing and my story ideas. Death is one of my three principal fears. (Spiders, death, and needles) Even old stories I wrote had to do with cheating death, or dying and coming back, or even the fountain of youth. Like, for such a happy go lucky kid I think about death a lot. I think about it crossing the road and just in my day to day. And not in a morose suicidal way, just in a way where I'm so afraid and yet so fascinated at the same time.

I've known all my previous relationships would end. I've imagined how and when my friendships will end. It's hard. It's not just dying it's ending.

I've struggled with my ending here at Newfield. In six months I'm done, I take my final bow and the curtain closes, and they've all said I'm destined to move on to grander stages than this little town, but the world is full of stories of failed prodigies and they all haunt me. The promise of glory and bettering the world and being able to go out and tell my stories but so many sparks so much brighter than I have been snuffed out by the world, and what is to say that I'm exempt from the tragedy? The ghosts of failure haunts me, and yet I still so badly to join the ranks of the heroes. I want to succeed. I'm safe here, I can't fail here. But what if I'm not good enough in the real world. What if my lack of success here isn't because I'm destined for greater, and what if it's just simply because I'm not good enough? And yet despite my fears in six months I'm going to gamble hundreds of thousands of dollars and bank on the fact that I think I am good enough. And the only thing I fear more than failure is a miserable life of unfulfilled dreams.

My passion fuels me so fiercely.

I'm working myself to the bone and yet I don't feel weariness. I always want to do more, I'm always willing to do more, I want to do as much as I can.

Maybe I'm not the chosen one but I can be the one who tries enough shit out that maybe he'll make it anyway.

I'm obsessed with and terrified by my own story.

This blog has been my story. This blog is and will continue to be my story.

But parts of my story scare me. The parts where I fall apart and all I wish is for nothingness, the parts where I'm the villain in my own story. The parts where I lose, the parts where I'm hurtful and cruel and all kinds of horrible things.

I am more confident than ever that I'm a good man, but that doesn't mean I always was, and that doesn't mean I always will be. I'm afraid that I'm going to grow cocky or that people will think I am and they won't see the work I'm putting in and they'll think that I'm lazy and they will think that I'm not on board. I'm afraid to become the bad guy again.

I wan't to be the hero, I want to rise above and save the day.

I'm going to talk about Hamilton.

It's always going to come to Hamilton.

I really feel Hamilton, like Alexander Hamilton. The feeling of being disadvantaged, of being at odd with the world. Of this righteous passion just to do something. To stand up and fight, to write my way out of anything and through anything. I write all the time, I need to write more. I want to write more. I'm going to write more.

Where I differ from Hamilton is that I've always been too afraid to stand up to people. To defend myself and those I love and what I believe in and it's time to stop.

I need to stand up for myself and what I believe in and those I love more. I've spent so much of my life afraid of not being accepted I have become complacent at times and weak spined. I need to buck up and stand up, it's time to stop being afraid. It's time to be brave, not just physically but emotionally.

And I guess this is what it all boils down to, isn't it?

I've spent so much of my life afraid. I'm not going to fit in by appeasing, history has shown us what happens to the appeasers, it's very easy to feign appeasing for diplomacy, and maybe that's where I started. But I can't justify spending my life as a coward. I am no coward. I don't fear that I'm going to break up with my girlfriend. I don't fear that I'm going to die, I'm not going to fear failure. I'm going to fear a life unfulfilled. I'm going to let that fear ignite my passion. I'll see you all on the flip side, maybe in 10 years I'll read this and laugh because I'll have made it. Maybe in 10 years I'll be in a different place than I could have ever imagined. But I know that I'll do my damndest to be happy.

Because in the end, it won't be me telling my story, it will be those I loved. It will be those who loved me, and I hope my story does them justice. And I hope some far off day 90 years from now when I die, I won't be a figure of tragedy, but in fact, I will be a beacon of hope, for people to look up for. I hope my story is something inspiring and it will help those who feel disadvantaged and at odds with the world. I hope that my story does my work and my love justice. I hope I honor those who stood by me and loved me.

I'll do my best.

Maybe my obsession and fear of endings has fostered a new beginning.

No, it has. Not maybe.

It's a new beginning.

For tomorrow is a new day, and I will accomplish a great many things.

I have a lot of tomorrows to do it.

 I'm done being a man ruled by fear, I am ready to be a man fueled by passion.

This is my promise to you.

To me.

As Marty McFly probably kinda said:

"Who the fuck you calling chicken?"

Godspeed

I love you all <3

-Bailey S. Fox

Supernovas and Ziggy Stardust

If I was in a job interview and I was asked what my biggest flaw was I wouldn't have had an answer until last Wednesday, thanks to the passing of David Bowie and the acquisition of an outdated music medium, I finally came face to face with my biggest flaw: My Abandonment Issues.

Now please don't read this as I thought until now I had no flaws, or that I didn't know I had abandonment issues, I knew that. But what my biggest flaw was hard to pin down, there are so many it was hard to pin down, and I couldn't until I understood the scope of my abandonment issues.

Now this is going to be my most personal blog post, like by far so this is my disclaimer here, what you're about to read may be more than you wanted to know about me, but here we go.

Also, TRIGGER WARNING: This might be cause for a trigger if you are someone who has a bad relationship with sex or anything similar. I love you, and I hope it doesn't trigger anyone. But just in case, here is a warning.

There are two things you need to know,

One: Virginity is a social construct and you shouldn't let it rule your life. In fact, here is this video explaining why everything commonly known about the hymen is a myth. Virginity is fake, it's literally a shared idea similar to money. Once we stop believing in it then it doesn't matter anymore.

Two: Everything in section one is just a bunch of talk until we as a society actually all agree that virginity is a myth. Until then it's a very real part of a lot of people's lives. And for some people it can literally change their lives forever, for better or for worse.

If you're like me, you grew up hearing about how your first time should be special, it should be with someone that not only you care about, but they care just as much about you. This story takes place in the universe where virginity is a big deal, I wasn't introduced to the concept that virginity is a myth until it was far too late.

And here is where our story begins. 2012, it begins with the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower and my first real girlfriend. We will refer to her as Peggy, I want to be respectful to her privacy, plus, this story isn't about her, it's about me.

For our first date we saw the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower and for those of you who haven't seen the movie, the David Bowie song Heroes  is central to the plot. And me being 14, I wanted my life to be like the movies, albeit a sad as hell one. So the song became central to our relationship, because I was cheesy. Peggy was older than me by two years, I was young, I was stupid. My father had told me to be careful, because if your first time having sex causes you emotional harm, that's not something you can undo. There's no take backsies. But I was (Am) foolish, arrogant, and headstrong, I thought I was in love, I thought I was indestructible. I was wrong.

There was a dichotomy to the event. To me it was the biggest thing that had ever happened. To her, it was nothing. It wasn't her first time, it just was another thing to her. She asked me how I felt afterward. I felt awful, there was so much for me to be aware of now, a whole new world. That was the first anxiety attack I remember. That night. I didn't know what it was, but I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin. I felt like that every time it happened. I thought I was just nervous. I should have figured out what was wrong much sooner. But hindsight is 20/20 and I was (am) a stubborn son of a bitch,

A number of years before any of this happened my father had given me a David Bowie Cassette tape, Changes. It had all the his on it, Space Oddity, Changes, Ziggy Stardust, Let's Dance, and most importantly Heroes. The tape meant a lot to me, I was in love, I needed to give her something to show how in love I was, I needed to give her something meaningful, so I gave her a prized possession of mine, I gave her the tape. I wouldn't lose my virginity to her until 2013, I wouldn't lose my virginity to her until after she started cheating on me.

The primal rage I felt, the betrayal, the nothingness. It destroyed me.

I was no longer the boy I was when I met her. I was gone, I washed away. For the next few months I was whatever feelings I had. I wasn't.

I had friends who stood by me, while I reformed. But when I reformed, well I was new. I was different. It was like a supernova. The thing that resulted was something new constructed made out of the old. I was me, but I was new. And for a while I wasn't all that great. I'll be honest, I really let that trauma destroy a lot of me and a lot around me. And the me that resulted did a lot of harm to a lot of other people. I have always fear that I let that trauma make me into what I had feared. I hope I have righted the wrongs I committed. I'm sorry, I am. I can't let my problems become a crutch for me to lean on. I'm taking responsibility for the actions I committed, they were not anyone's fault but my own.

The other thing it did was give me abandonment issues. Issues I would not fully realize until last Wednesday. When I got my David Bowie Cassette back.

I had texted Peggy (That's the name I gave her, right?) Asking if she still had it. Now in the three years since we had broken up this was not the first interaction we had had since the break up, but it was different. There was no pretense. We were strangers, there was no false friendliness, there was no interest in the other. There was pure indifference. Maybe this was the most honest we had ever been with each other.

I got it back on a Wednesday, as I said. She didn't come see me, she left it in the office. I picked it up later.

That night I had my first rehearsal for Company, a show in which I'm A2 for (That's a really fancy term for technical director's bitch)

There is a character in it, who is played by my girlfriend, and she couldn't be more different from her, but the character freaked me out. And it wouldn't be until the next day until I figured it out.

The character is named Joanne, Joanne is an older woman, who is bitter, angry, controlling, indifferent, a serial marrier and a serial cheater.

She was the archetype of my ex, Peggy.

And the lines Joanne said I'm sure Peggy never said, but they were everything I imagined she said. Or would say. She didn't care about her husband, her third one that is. She spent the whole night talking about exes. And then as soon as he leaves she tries to sleep with the main character. And in it there is no seduction, no love, it's just blind indifference. It's such a non event for her. I could barely exist in the same room. It was bringing back such vivid flashbacks and anxiety. The next day I'd put it all together. The pieces fell into place.

I figured out what my damage was.

When ever things would start to get rough, or go wrong in a relationship, I'd start to isolate myself, I'd cut ties, I'd cauterize myself emotionally. I'd alienate myself and I'd leave. It was a survival tactic I needed to adopt. I couldn't go through another Peggy. So I guess in my trauma, I became the bad guy. I'd go all in on a relationship, I'd fall hard and fast, but once it went wrong, I was out. This was true even in the relationships that hadn't happened. I screwed up with girls before I even started officially dating, I'd be afraid they didn't like me and I'd burn the bridge and run. I'd run like hell.

With my last ex, (Hey, I've been told you read these still, so this might be a little awkward, but hi, I hope this doesn't get too weird for you. But I've talked about us so much at this point anyway)

With my last ex it became a cycle, things would go rough, I'd cut myself off, but before I left she'd convince me to come back, and I'd have to undo to myself what I did, undo the damage and the cutting off, and each time that happened I lost more of myself. I eroded more and more, I began to dissipate. I became nothing again, but this time because of myself. I left when there was nothing left of me to give. I don't blame her (you) for this, it was a mutual failing on both our parts. I'm sorry.

It's taken me so long to realize this damage because it's been so close to me. I thought that it wasn't my fault that things went wrong. I didn't get that I was leaving and cutting myself off, I just thought the relationship was bad and I needed to leave, or be left.

I don't blame others for what happened to me. It's been to long for it to be anyone else's fault. I didn't have to have sex with her, I didn't have to date her, it was my choice. I don't regret it, I mean I do and don't at the same time. It made me who I am, and there are pros and cons to that. I don't really remember what I was like beforehand, not really. I just know who I remember I was like. And I don't think I was great. Maybe I'm not great now, but I want to believe I'm better than I would have been had I not gone through that. I think I need to believe that going through that made me a better person, because otherwise it's really hard to live with at times. It's a lot of shame, truthfully but it's a livable shame if it made me a better person.

It's a lot of existential thinking, really. I've spent this whole time in crisis thinking about it because truthfully this is the first time I have written this all out and explained it. This is the longest I've spent grappling with it, fighting it. This is the first time I have squared up to my own issues. And I'm done letting them hurt the people I love. I'm done being insensitive and rude. I'm done being defined by this moment. Because this is something that happened, this is an event that happened, but it is not what defines me. Most of you who read this didn't know this about me. Maybe this changes what you thought about me, maybe it makes you like me more, maybe it makes you like me less. I'm not sure it matters.

I am done letting this rule my life. I'm not going to let these issues ruin another good thing. What I have now, what I have with Caitlin is a good thing, it's a great thing, it's the best thing I have ever known. And maybe it's naive to believe it will last, but I don't care that it is, because I believe in it. She knew this about me, she knew the baggage I carried and accepts me and loves me for who I am, maybe it's time to do the same for myself. And maybe it's time to let some of the baggage go.

I'm sorry, if you were a person affected by this, I'm sorry if you were a person that this happened to you. I hope this helps you, I hope this at least made an entertaining tale. Maybe you learned something.

Before this post I told my parents about it, I told my parents I wasn't a virgin, which was a humbling and terrifying experience for me, but I lied to them about it, and it's time to own up. It's time to stop feeling shame about it, it's time to stop being ruled by it. We all have our problems, mine don't make me special or exempt from doing wrong. It doesn't excuse the wrong that I have done. All I can hope is that I become better, that I work past this, I make this best thing work. I can hope that tomorrow I wake up a better man than I fell asleep. That I become more loving, more accepting, I become a better me, I become less insensitive and rude. I hope I help someone with this story, it'd be kind of a waste if I didn't. But at the same time it's important that I finally acknowledge this, I've been kicking around this blog post for awhile but it never became anything until the events of last Wednesday.

Thank you all for reading, I love you all.

Stay golden.

<3

Bailey S. Fox

Turn and Face the Strange

I know I said I'd write every week in 2016, but tech week for Crazy for You swamped me, it's my fault, but I'll keep weekly from here on out.

So David Bowie died.

I'm actually really saddened by this, he was the bisexual icon, or at least he was mine. He was who I aspired to be. He was everything, talented, confident, fashionable, brilliant in all aspects. If I could make half of the cultural impact that Bowie did I'll consider myself a success. I also kinda want someone to help me do a photoshoot with the Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt on my face and whatnot but I don't even know who to ask. What is hardest about this is the forced passage of time, I never once stopped to think about what it would be like if David Bowie died, I never really thought he would. But I'm sitting here with Life on Mars playing and I'm thinking how he'll never sing it again. Life on Mars was my first real Bowie song, that was when I really started to be a fan. Like before that I knew three or four David Bowie songs (because of my father, who gave me a bowie cassette tape when I was younger that I can't find anywhere), but Life on Mars really solidified him as an entity in my life. And to be truthful I'm choked up right now thinking about it. It was either 7th or 8th grade when I first heard the song, and it really was life changing, it blew my god damned pubescent mind. This man, David Bowie was suddenly a real idea. I guess his passing really solidified him in my life truthfully, I've always been a huge Bowie fan, but his passing is what really made him a permanent fixture in my cultural world view. I'd like to thank the swirling stardust that now is David Bowie, thank you, for everything. You really were an icon to me. And for giving me the courage to be able to come out. You really are someone to aspire to be. Maybe someday I'll dress as well as you, though never sing as well. Godspeed, Major Tom.

I guess the theme of this post is the passage of time. Yesterday wrapped the first last show I'll be doing. And really it's the last guaranteed role I'll have in Running to Places, and it was an honor. It really was, first off, I love Gershwin, so much, and second, everyone on the cast, crew, and production team was an absolute pleasure to work with and it might be the most talented and accomplished group of people I've ever had the pleasure to be around. Thank you all for making possibly my last show my best. I love you all.

Photo Credit to George Cannon

Caitlin pointed out to me earlier this week that this was my last show performing in the State Theater, which for the record is both my favorite concert venue and also my favorite place to perform. And I'll never be there as a performer again.

At this revelation I promptly had an existential crisis.

I'm getting older. A freshman called me irrelevant, the younger kids don't get the references to the things I say, there are kids I go to school with born after 9/11. I don't know what the honest to got hell "The Dab" is. Like I leave in six months, less than 200 days. Newfield will forget me, Ithaca will too. It's so weird to think about. These places I've spent so much time and energy being in and trying to effect as much as I can, soon I'll be nothing more than some pictures and a few scattered stories to them. I'll be remembered for my prolific and embarrassingly high number of ex girlfriends and my many trombone related incidents. I'll be off in god knows where doing god knows what. There's a line in the song Nice Work if You Can Get it "The man who only lives for fame, there's no guarantee that time wont forget his name." And I guess that's true, I have no guarantee that next year anyone will give two shits whether or not I make appearances in Tompkins County, and I cant judge my self worth in those people. I need to take stock in myself, I need to base more of my self worth on myself and my accomplishments, and not on the reactions of others. Because not everyone is going to love everything I do. Not everyone is going to be satisfied with every blog post, every haircut I get, every shirt I wear, anything I do. But I need to do things based more on how I feel, not on others. Time is a bitch, and the longer I spend fighting its passage the further behind I will fall. And so I vow this, I will be more confident, I'll be more expressive and passionate. I'll do more new things, I'll try new foods and wear new clothes. I will not imprison myself in the minds of others. Those bars cannot contain me any longer. 

There is a song in Fame , titled, Think of Meryl Streep. Maybe it's time I thought of David Bowie.

I have missed a lot because of my fear. My fear of what my friends would say, of what my parents would say, what the general public would say, but those days are over. I am more than their perception of me. I am Bailey S. Fox, writer, actor, musician, activist, bisexual, adventurer, and so many things. I am done being trapped by my fear of others.

I have heart-shaped sunglasses, I have a portrait of myself on the wall, I have a stuffed tiger named Hobbes, I have a cross stitch reading Bitches Ain't Shit I can do whatever I want, I can be whatever I want. It is time to let go of my insecurity. I have done so much living with it, without it, I'm unstoppable.

Thank you to all of you who every day lift me up and give me the opportunity to be so much more than I am. There are more of you than I could ever hope to thank. I love you all so much.

I'm not a prophet or a stone age man, I'm just a mortal with the potential of a Superman.

                                                                                                                                 -David Bowie

Thank you all for reading.

Godspeed

<3

Bailey S. Fox

2015, a Retrospective

I'm sitting here, sipping coffee and thinking about what I want to, what I need to say for my year end post, and I'll tell you, it's not an easy task. But here I go, also, every year end retrospective needs inspiring music behind it, so please follow this link and listen to this in the background as you read this.

It's really hard to do a whole year justice, because it's a huge chunk of time. It's really easy to let bad things spoil the good things, and forget that they ever happened. So I'm not going to do that, I'm going to try and give the most positive look back at 2015 that I can, because truthfully it was a good year, and a lot of good came out of it. And because of this year I'm a better man, so here you are, 2015. This one is for you.

So let's start out with this quote.

Add caption

And this was said by my lovely friend Ilana Wallenstein. Co-founder of the Honest Beauty Project, which takes pictures like these

I took this one I am so proud.

And uses the pictures to help instill a new definition of beauty into the public conscious, about one that is more than just physical features, but one of character and depth. Please read more into this.

Now back to the quote. I really think I'm a good person, I work really hard at being a good person. I want to be the kind of person people are proud to introduce to their friends and their loved ones. I want to be the kind of person people look up to the kind of person that people just stand around and go "You know, that Bailey guy, what a guy." And I want to be the best me that I can be. And I think 2015 was a lot of me growing into that. I saw this comic written by this tumblr user and it really spoke to me. It really meant something to me.

And it really helped to hear that, because I don't quite know who I am yet. I'm just 17 years old, and while that is some time to be kicking around, I don't think I'm fully formed yet. I still have a lot of growing to do, and a lot of time to do it. And I think, no, I know that I am a good man. I believe after all these years I can say that I am a good man. And it's been a hell of a journey to get to being a good man, I think I've gotten there. I think I have out grown my more negative attributes that have plagued me in the past, and I can finally say with certainty that I am a good man. And I think next year, I can be even better.

Now let's do some looking back at 2015, if you haven't figured out by now this is going to be a lot of pictures because while a good man I am a narcissistic one and I take a lot of pictures of myself.

I performed in Carnegie Hall

I had one of my biggest roles to date in a show

Went to another country

Saw my favorite band live

Got the master sword and took the only good side view pic of me there is.

Took weirdly homoerotic photos with my friends

Saw 13

Sang one of my favorite solos ever (PC George Cannon Images)

Wrote a script

Died a bit

Learned to play bass

I was link

Met this sweet parrot

Was a superhero 

Was Marty McFly

I was serenaded by the lead singer of my other favorite band

Got my head in the game

AND I SAW STAR WARS

And in between these photos so many other things happened, I crowd surfed I ran lights for a professional show, I rode a zipline nearly a mile long, I got good grades in school and I did so many other wonderful things I can't even begin to recall. There are just so many experiences I'm thankful for. And I'm thankful for the person I have become, and I'm thankful for the people who came with me on my adventures this year.

 Does this mean I'm now going to do a bunch of pictures of my friends where I thank them a bunch? You bet your sweet ass I am.

LET'S DO THIS

Hey, Erik and Luke.

I love you guys, I really do. You guys are always paying for me with stuff and always helping me out and taking care of me when I mix up, you're the best straight gay parents a boy could have. And I'm really thankful to have both of you in my life. You two are always there with a Gamerfuel and a quick joke to brighten my day. I will always have your backs. Love you guys <3

Us protesting the dress code together

Hey, Tyler, I hope you didn't think I forgot about you.

Tyler, you're the middle ground in the friend group that we all desperately need as a pack of human extremes you service to level us out and you do a lot of good for us in the friend group. Also as a friend you're always there for that hug when I have emotionally emptied myself or I didn't get the lead in the fall school play or maybe when the gym coach won't stop telling me why he's so cool You're always there even in a brown Banana situation and I could not have gotten through 2015 without you. <3

Jeffrey and Marissa.

Hey guys, I'm switching up the format here. Remember that time I came to you because I was questioning my sexuality? Well that was 2014, but remember that time I figured out I was Bisexual over the summer? That was pretty cool. Remember how I just came out as Bi to the whole internet? That's also pretty cool. You guys were the first to know, which is why I waited until now to tell the whole internet. Hey internet, I hope you guys are cool with this. <3 Jeffrey and Marissa, I love you guys, thanks for everything. See y'all in 2016.

Okay, quick aside to talk about the whole bisexual thing. No it doesn't mean I love Caitlin any less, she knows and she is okay with it. Also Yes, I am the guy who has had a million girlfriends so what does that teach you about judging a book by its cover, eh? Maybe some things take time to really figure out. I guess I waited this long to tell everyone because truthfully I'm really afraid of how people are going to react. Like I don't want this huge freak out, it's not that big of a deal, the fact that most of you didn't know goes to show that this doesn't change who I am. No I have not dated a dude, but I have kissed one. And well, there is always gay porn. Oh god, family I'm so sorry you just had to read that. Oh well, you all knew anyway. I added this in here because I feel like it's a disservice to the year if I don't talk about one of the biggest personal things I have found out about myself this year. Also, Mom, Dad, maybe you got the straight child with Max. Thank you all for loving me and supporting me, I hope you all enjoy the rest of this post as I thank a bunch more people.

Also Jack, now your joke is correct.

Hey Jesse, we didn't meet all that long ago, but from the moment I met you you were a remarkably cool dude. You came and saw 13, you drive me to wings, you have saved my ass, and you're just one of the best people I have met in 2015, you're a huge teddy bear of a man and you're just one of the best men I know all around. Thank you for all that you have done for me in the few months that I've known you and I can't wait to see what we do in 2016. Wings? <3

Natasha And Zozha

Sha Zha pronounced the same way, spelled differently, don't know why it took me this long to figure that joke out. Anyway, you guys brought me like 24 roses to 13, (damn it 13 will not stop coming up) and you two have like everyone else on this list, loved and supported me, more so than I might have deserved at times. It's been a wild year, with a lot of shit going down. But we have made it through, and I could not have without you guys. You guys are always making sure I'm okay and always knowing when I'm totally lying to you guys about being okay. And always available for those hugs when I'm lying. Thank you guys, Happy New Year. <3

Ilana,

So basically you were the last person I ever thought I'd call my best friend because you're way cooler than me, but when it happened, it seemed so obvious that it was harder to believe it hadn't happened sooner. It's really easy to be around you and talk to you because we understand each other well enough to know that even though we do lousy things sometimes we're still really good people. I'm always going to be here for you, if you ever get back from Chile that is. And I know you're always going to be here for me. I can't wait to see you again in four months. You owe me dinner, I won the bet. And I'll literally see you in 2016, like legit not until then. Anyway, have fun and get home safe. I'll see you when you get home. <3

Reanna,

You have shown me such kindness and compassion in the last year that I don't know how to properly thank you. You have been here for me and allowed me to ruin an otherwise romantic night of you and Luke with my sadness. And even after that you gave a worry stone which I still carry with me everywhere I go in the front pocket of my jacket. You have been there for me in a way I didn't think my best friend's girlfriend would have to be. And while that sounds like a weird sentence it's not. I know I'm not always your favorite of Luke's friends, but your kindness has meant the world to me and I can never repay you for it. The Red suit is totally worth it, trust me. Happy New Year, Reanna.

Nicko,

You're another person I met in 2015, I met you a few times in person, but our first moment together was when you became my cover photo as a young child. Then we became closer and shared many meals of wings together and long nights with many adventures. And though I've only known you for a brief period of time, I can't wait to know you for so many more years. I'm so honored at how included you have made me felt in your friend group and in your life and I am so thankful for your hospitality and generosity. Auld Lang Sine, or something, right?

Ashley,

Ash, you came all the way from Hell, I mean Ohio, to surprise me on my 17th birthday and see my show, and that was one of the best gifts anyone has ever given me. I can't stress enough how thankful for you I am. You're always just a text away with calming words or cynical wisdom. And with your Berning political opinions I know I am just a minute away from a great political discussion. Or maybe just a chat about life. You're the tops, Ash. Never forget that. Feliz navidad? 

ANNIE!!!

HEY, THIS POST HAS BEEN IN THE PROCESS OF BEING WRITTEN FOR TWO HOURS AND I'M KINDA GOING INSANE RN!!

Anyway, Annie, I love you so much and we have so many great moments and adventures and you have done so much for me I cannot even begin to thank you. As someone who will always drive me places even to Hell, I mean Ohio again, We have spent countless hours together adventuring and you have spent countless listening to my music, and I have spent countless hours listening to Fall Out Boy, together we make a killer team and I cannot begin to thank you for the love you have shown me over the years. Something about Kwanza.

IAN

Ian, you're my protege, and I am so proud of the young man you have grown into. You're smart, clever, funny as all hell, and a great friend. We have been in different countries together, in NYC together, and we have worked together for the last year, and though we have had our ups and downs, you are one of my closest friends and I think the absolute world of you. Thank you for putting up with my this year, I know I'm a lot to listen to. Especially when I'm always trying to tell you what to do. You're a good man and I'm proud of you and I can't wait to see what 2016 holds for you. Namaste.

ELI

Eli you are a demi god and you have the soul of a champion. You're a dedicated worker and a strong man, both physically and emotionally. We always have the best talks about comics and super heroes and I can't wait to continue them in 2016 with things like Batman V Superman and also Civil War, the year is hype for superheroes and so am I. I'm also very proud of you acomplishments including becoming an eagle scout and generally being a bad ass sergeant. Godspeed, Eli. Have a great new year.

JORDAN, ALEX, AND CURTIS

Though I have never met you guys in real life, your love and support in the Mutual Admiration Society had been one of the constants in my life, not only in this last year, but in the last several. Our hours on skype, and our photoshops and debates on pop culture, our support for each others as creators and consumers is one thing that brings joy to my life every day. And while I don't have a picture of the four of us together, I do have this sweet photo that I believe Alex made so I'll use that. Thank you guys so much for everything. So long and thanks for all the fish.

NICK

Nick my son. You're the coolest kid, a great drummer, and a great dancer, and I cannot thank you enough for saving my ass on Wednesday. You're a great kid and you have done so much for me and you're just a talent powerhouse in general. You have such an incredible future ahead of you I can't wait to see it. And though you're just 12 years old and just getting started, you have a blindingly bright future ahead of you. I'm so proud of you. Joyous candlenights, nick.

13 strikes again

Camryn.

Today is your 16th birthday and although I wrote something on your wall I'll say it here again. You're my least problematic fave. You're a wonderful girl who has the world to offer to anyone you choose. And I can't wait to see you in 2016. In 2015 I saw you come out to the world, I saw you audition for the High School show, and I saw you just generally be one of the most genuinely amazing people I have ever met. Camryn, you're the best. Don't ever ever forget that. Please, happy new year and happy birthday, Camryn, I love you, sis. <3

Caitlin.

OH god, you're going to talk about a girlfriend again?? God I hate you Bailey, is this one like all the others? Where we'll read you cry in two months.

No, she isn't I promise you, blog, this is the last girlfriend I will ever write about.

Caitlin, we're in two shows together, you have put of with my rampant, obnoxious behavior, and you're so wonderfully accepting of my bisexuality, and just everything about me, I can't thank you enough for all the wonderfulness you bring into my life. Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm really glad you got to meet my family and I know they loved you. I also know New Years is your favorite holiday which is why you're also in this post, not just because you have been a huge part of my year. And while I don't know what we are doing for new years yet, (suggestions anyone?) I know it's going to be wonderful to have it with you. Happy New Year, dear.

That's it.

That is everyone I have to thank and everything I have to say about 2015. It's been a hell of a year and I cannot stress enough how much everyone has helped make it a great year. I was wrong for ever doubting 2015, over the last 129 minutes and 20 seconds I have spent writing this post (That's 40 plays of Ecstasy of Gold, if you were wondering) I have been reminded how wonderful 2015 was and how great this year was for me. All the amazing things I have accomplished and done and all the amazing friends I have had to help me along the way. I know I didn't thank any adults in this post and that not because there aren't any, but I just wanted to focus on my friends in this one. I hope the adults in my life know how much they have helped me and how much I love them too. Maybe there will be another post. Well, not one for this year anyway. But Thank you all so much for reading this and supporting me. Thank you for the 10,00 views and thank you for the nice comments and the love I have received. 

Happy New Years.

See you again in 2016

Love,

Bailey S. Fox <3