Egomaniac or: How I Learned to Stop Self-Loathing and Love Myself

It seems I keep starting these blogs with bragging, today's is no exception. Tuesday, February 10th, in addition to being the world's most beautiful girl's 17th birthday (Misty Boudreault), is also the one year anniversary of my first blog post! Looking back at my blog posts is like looking at a sedimentary deposit graph of my angst and edginess. The metamorphosis of over cynicism to blind optimism as the year has gone on.

Here is my Earth Science reference for my father.

So today's blog post is going to be another one about my struggle with self-loathing and my abundance of ego I never seem to stop talking about on my blog.

So I am regularly called out for my egotistical behavior, my narcissistic tendencies, my self-absorbed nature, and my absolute vanity. And my reason for it, my logic behind it is rather simple, if I do not love myself to the extreme, if I am not over abundantly self praising and arrogant, I plunge back into hating myself. I hated myself with such certainty, such entirety that in my attempts to be humble I overshoot and self-deprecate myself into self-loathing again. It's a slippery slope. one of my close friends asked me once "Why don't you find a nice middle ground the every other god damn person in the world?" and that's because I'm not sure where the middle ground exists for me, I do not know a way of feeling about myself that is not in one way or another an extreme.

I don't want people thinking I'm using my self-loathing tendencies to justify my ego, I don't think that because I have a hard time loving myself my ego is okay, justified, and totally a good person thing to do. I know it's not, good people, actually good people are not arrogant and egotistical. This whole quest to not hate myself isn't one of being a good person or a bad person, but it's a quest of trying to coexist with myself. Because when I hate myself I start to hate other people, I start to mistreat the people I love and care about, I self-destruct into this toxic self-loathing and world loathing pile of anxious, angsty toxic sludge. At least with my ego I try and do things I can brag about, I try and go above and beyond for my friends and girlfriend and family so that I can turn around and brag to to other people what a good friend/boyfriend/son/brother I am. It might not be the best, most healthy way of going about it, but it's the one that works for me.

I never want people to think that due to my ego I am also selfish and uncaring, but that's not true, I care very deeply about the people around me, about the people I love. Because when you get to my core, through all the layers of ego and self-loathing, arrogance, childishness, awkwardness, sleepiness and everything else, at my core I'm just a scared little boy who wants to be a knight and slay the dragon and save the world. I'm just a kid trying to earn the love that he is given, I'm just a kid who wants acceptance and to not be afraid to be himself, and I'm getting there I am.

I want to thank the incredible and astounding number of people who put up with my egotistical behavior and everything else about me, I love you all dearly and I never could tell you enough that I do, I'm sorry I'm not always a good person, I'm trying, I am. You know who you all are, you are wonderful incredible people who have so much potential and I'm so proud of each and every one of you. I truly am honored to be your friend. I love you all so much.

I also want to thank my family who accept me and love me despite my household habits of only spending time in my room, and making my room an atrocious wasteland faster than you can a Cappella sing the captain planed theme song.

I want to thank my girlfriend as well who puts up with my ego and childishness behavior on a constant basis. Who makes sure I get enough sleep and loves and accepts me more than anyone I've ever met, I love her dearly and she's probably the best person that's ever lived so there is that cool fact. She is a better person than I am and makes me want to try and be a better person, so thank you. <3

I want to thank the people who read my blog, you're an amazing and supportive audience and I couldn't ask for a better one, thank you all. Thank you for the kind messages you send in support and thank you for reading and everything you do, I read all the comments you write and all the messages you send and they all mean so very much to me, thank you all. <3

If you haven't heard Post Modern Jukebox's cover of Shake it Off or Alex Boye's cover of it you're missing out on so much. I'd also recommend checking out Post Modern Jukebox's cover of Stacy's Mom.

 I also want to pay my respects to Monty Oum, Creator of RWBY and animator for Red vs. Blue who passed away last week, you were a brilliant and motivated man and you will be missed dearly. Rest in peace.

Thank you for reading for a whole year, you're all wonderful people.
<3
Bailey S. Fox
















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