Advent Calendar 7/25

I hereby acknowledge the innuendos that can be made at this post and I ask that for the sake of everyone's time we just laugh and don't need to point them out.

I don't want to become hard.

(hehehehe)

But it's true, I want to like, pull the ultimate grift, have my cake and eat it too. I want to lead a long and happy life without having to become a closed off, bitter shell. And I'm afraid that it's impossible. Because it's easier to get through live by not opening up to other people. And like, my openness, my enthusiasm and my way of expressing myself sometimes comes off as insincere, and like, that sucks because everything I do I do with just earnest excitement. And everything I say is so sincere, I usually try to make it blatantly obvious when I'm being sarcastic and I try not to hurt people's feelings with my sarcasm.

It's a hard balance to reach, like by nature I try to be an independent person who doesn't need to rely on other people's approval, yet I'm a performer and so by definition I live and die by the audience. And so I try to shield myself because if I expose my soul to completely to the world, if I leave nothing in between be and the world, I'm putting a lot of faith in something that has a notorious habit of utterly obliterating people. So regularly I expose my thoughts and feelings. There was that girl a few years ago who committed suicide from horrible comments on youtube, and Rebecca Black was just a girl who wanted to make a fun video, and we just brutally mocked her for it. Shit is scary, man. Because I know, I'll never hit my peak as a performer or as a writer if I don't remove the fear from what I do. As long as I censor my words and I hold back in my performances, I'll never be as good as I can be. I know for a fact that I will cry on stage this year. In front of everyone, because this will be my last high school show, and someone is probably going to give me flowers, and I'm a  big crier. And I know I'll cry, I'll cry so hard. I'm like Sean Penn, except I haven't kissed James Franco. (Though if you read this James, hmu. I saw the movie the Night Before) Anyway, I know it's not expressly "masculine" to cry in front of people or insinuate that you'd kiss James Franco, but screw you. This is my blog, I'll say I'll kiss whoever I want.

I know the odds of me getting through life and not closing myself off to the world are slim to none, especially being a performer in the age of the internet. Like once my performances and my words go further in the world than the 60 or so of you who regularly read what I write and watch my shows, I'm going to get a lot of shitty feedback. A lot of people telling me that I like men and thus I should end my life. Like one or two people saying it bugs me, how will I deal with hundreds? The building of walls isn't just a metaphor from a Pink Floyd album, it's a logical conclusion, and the odds of me making it are dismal.

But never tell me the odds.


Happy Holidays

Love,

Bailey S. Fox
<3

Advent Calendar 6/25

I haven't forgotten, don't worry.

Was anyone actually worried?

I thought about what to write,

Then I read a Buzzfeed article on the coolest gadgets of 2015, then I took a Buzzfeed quiz on what "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" Character I was, (I'm Lou Lou Who, by the way) And then I wondered how they came up with the algorithm for that test, was I one away from being Cindy? What about The Grinch? Like how does that work? And why do people hate on Buzzfeed so much? Like I used to do it but I don't know why? Like what's wrong with Buzzfeed, and how is it any worse than Something like Tumblr or Reddit? Like maybe I want to know What Meme of 2015 I am (Pizza Rat) (Also I'm Alexander Hamilton on what Hamilton Character I am, but I'm Eliza Schuyler if You have to chose from the three, according to Buzzfeed. ((Man wouldn't Hamilton tickets be the perfect Christmas gift?? <3)) I'm also "Hello" by Adele which I have been jamming hard to because Adele is amazing. I'm not sure where my point was going with this)

I've never been described as a very focused person. I'm impulsive and flighty. I don't know if you can tell by this blog, more specifically this post.

Perfect example is I just got distracted for 20 minutes fixing all the album artwork on my phone. Like, I just need to write, I don't even have to write that much I just have to construct a coherent post as to fulfill my obligation. I don't want to use another one of my back posts.

The Steelers are winning right now which makes me happy, if they could just make it to the Super Bowl that'd be great.

Today it dawned on me that in less than two weeks I'd be sitting in a theater watching the new Star Wars movie, which is incredible to me. I'm so excited it's totally unreal, like I've had these tickets, I've been counting down, watching the days go from triple digits, to double, to quite soon, single. I remember my freshman year, my last year Trick-or-treating with any earnest. And I went to this guy's house and he had an elaborate Darth Maul costume, but on his head were mickey mouse ears. And I laughed, and apparently been the fist kid to get his joke because the news had so recently broke. But here I am, my senior year, and I'm about to see it.

Apparently they have blankets that are mermaid tails so that when you put your legs in them it looks like you're a mermaid and that's magical to me. That's what I'll end my post with.

Happy Holidays.

Love,
Bailey S. Fox

<3

Advent Calendar 5/25

I'm 1/5th of the way through this adventure. This is a lot more work than I thought. I should have considered this but five nights ago I decided to sit down and write and I foolishly decided to say I'll post everyday.

I sit here in Wegmans trying to figure out what to write. I'll talk about wandering.

I'm a restless person. I move constantly I always feel more comfortable walking around than sitting around. Even just like in life, there is a likely chance that I will go to college very far away which is equal parts exciting and terrifying. As far back as I can remember I've wanted to travel. To see the world. To leave. And there is not real national to it. There is no evidence that I will find fufilment any more in San Francisco than I do here. But if I get accepted there is nothing that can hold me back.
Maybe it was the TV I watched or the music I heard or maybe somewhere along the line I got it in my head to leave and I've never really considered anything else.

I don't know if the blog will follow me to college. I might end it, I might not. I've considered how I'd end it but then I always feared I'd want to do it again and either be forced to reboot or to do nothing at all.

As I sit here in Wegmans with my friend eating lunch watching our friends, and his coworkers work, I feel slightly bad. Currently because of my mismatch patchwork of a job history. But I like the history. I like the stories I have from the jobs I work. I love what I do.

Maybe tomorrow's post will be more interesting.

Happy Holidays

Bailey S. Fox
❤

Advent Calendar 4/25

Listen, I'll tell you all something right now, anxiety is a bitch.

Like I've just had it all day, do I know why? Nope.

I just want to go out and have a good time but also going out might make it worse and then I'll be in public breaking down instead of here breaking down and like, who knows? 

So I'm going to talk about it, anxiety. Literally every time I tell my father about it he tells me I should write about it, so here you go dad. I'm going to try to abstract it enough that writing about it doesn't worsen it. So here you go, a completely off the cuff short story about it. Also this will probably have a lot of swearing, so sorry. 

Bailey lived, as most young men do, in a home with his family, and while family is a fluid word that can mean any conglomeration of people who love each other, this one was fairly traditional, at least in definition. He had a mom and a dad. A younger sister, a younger brother. And They loved him, and he they, though he was pretty bad at showing it at times. It was hard to be a 17 year old. It was hard to be the oldest, as the oldest Bailey felt a lot of pressure to not be a fuck up. Despite his best efforts, he still felt like it. It was weird, to be the oldest and be compared to the youngest, popular media had led him to believe that everyone would compare them to him, but he felt the opposite, now granted he had a biased viewpoint, but it didn't make it any less how he felt. The pressure grew to anxiety as he grew older. Most of his fears and thoughts grew into anxieties, so much of him became anxiety it felt like another person, a dark reflection of Bailey. Like in Scott Pilgrim, there were two Baileys, The idealized one Bailey aspired to be, the goofy, well-meaning kid who was a bit of a self-destructive moron but he did it with the best intentions so it was alright. Or the demonized Bailey, the angry, scared, anxious one who would destruct on purpose because he felt like that was his destiny. He tried to outrun it, he tried to outrun his fears, but the dark Bailey would follow him, and no matter how hard he fought, Bailey, the real one, the one foreign only to himself, he would slip up, and the dark Bailey would attack. His muscles would tense, his breathing would quicken, his vision would go blurry, he might become dizzy, he would only know how to scream. It wasn't an enemy he could fight, only one that made him want to die. Maybe not die forever. But hit reset, to hard-reboot, no Terminator Genesis shit. And just be fresh, the attacks made existence unbearable. It was overwhelming, pure sensory overload. It made him angry, it made him cry, it made him scream. He understood the Hulk, he understood the alcoholic. Because it was this irrational monster who once he recovered would have to clean up the shit he had created in his anger, in his fear.

The problem that existed was that as Bailey grew stronger, so did the Dark Bailey. As they were the same person, despite the abstraction, despite the lines he tried to blur, the anxiety was still Bailey, maybe it was a shadow, a symptom of existing, but it was still a part of Bailey. The problem was that the Dark Bailey didn't rely on food or sleep to survive. It prayed on Bailey when he missed those things. It prayed on Bailey when he needed it least. On stage, in audition, in front of a class, maybe from too much interaction, maybe from too little. Dark Bailey was nothing if not resourceful. Because he would find a chink in the armor, and like dark water in a submarine, it would leak in, until the whole thing caved in on itself and imploded.

No one could see Dark Bailey, no one but Bailey. He could feel his approach. He could feel the apathy seep in. He could feel his shoulders tense. Is chest would tighten. The world became too loud. Bailey became quick to snap. More volatile, more quick on the draw. Less held back. It was hard for Bailey to talk to people about Dark Bailey, he didn't want to worry them. He didn't want their alienation, more so than he caused it. He couldn't always fight it. He couldn't always predict it. He couldn't always shrug it off, or get over it. Sometimes all he could do was cry and scream. Sometimes he could beat it. He'd find an activity to release the pressure, but there was no reliable one. Sometimes even the most reliable tricks failed and only made it worse. Even writing became a chore, and he only did it because it was pathetic to give up 4 days into his 25 day streak.

He was told that it was a symptom of growing up, that it would pass. He was told that it'd pass. He was told that it'd get better. He wanted to believe it, more than anything, but it was hard, truly hard. This was all he could remember, was anxiety. He didn't remember a time before it. There might have been, but the longer he lived with it, the more ingrained it became with him. He never felt anticipation, only anxiety that everything he longed for would be taken from him. He was afraid he'd lose Star Wars, his girlfriend, his favorite pen, that the gifts he picked out for his loved ones would disappear and they'd be dissapointed. He was afraid that he'd lose his readers by writing too much, or too little. It was a constant battle. It was one he so longed to win. It was one he never knew if he would.

That didn't stop him, from trying to pursue his happiness. To catch the dream. To save the day. To try and preserve his optimism. It was a battle. Everything was. It was what he knew, he was a warrior. He might live his whole life as a warrior. 

He did not hold contempt at his potential fate, because despite the battle, he was happy. He loved those around him, he did what he loved to the best of his ability. He knew things would work out, even if the world seemed to close in on him sometimes. He knew he'd do his best. He knew he'd love as much as he could and he'd do the best that he can. Because everybody knows that's how the story goes, and we're all just stories in the end.

I hope you all appreciated that, or didn't hate it. Or whatever. I write it for me, I'm a selfish bastard anyway.

Happy Holidays.

Love you all.

<3

Bailey S. Fox

Advent Calendar 3/25

I was out at a show tonight and it's late so here is an essay I wrote on the history of NASA, enjoy.

-Bailey S. Fox

<3

The Man on the Moon

“Landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to Earth within a decade,” was declared by John F. Kennedy in 1961, and Ruskies be damned we got to the Moon in eight years. Now two things helped this. Our Cold War and the fact that Kennedy was shot before he ever got to see us get to the moon. Two things fueled us, competition and honoring our late president. Nowadays we have technology that Gene Roddenberry couldn’t dream of yet, despite Curiosity on Mars and New Horizons sending us HD photos of Pluto the public now has a waning interest in space. We are in possession of a moon rover that will never see the moon and astronauts who are launching from other competing countries. We still have a fierce competition with Russia, so who needs to be shot to get the public interested in space?

NASA was officially conceived on October 1st, 1958 in response to Russia launching Sputnik 1 in 1957. Despite the horrible things it did to the entertainment industry, the red scare in America brought about the birth of the next great age of exploration. Just 10 days after it was officially ordained as a government entity it had the first launch of its aptly named "Pioneer I." From 1958-1986, The space program flourished. The article "Chronology of Defining Events in NASA History" has over 114 entries of "defining moments" between the years of 1958-1986. The golden age of space exploration started with the conception and ended the year of the Challenger explosion. It’s clear that the public’s support of  NASA wavered after 1986 and in 1990 this happened:

Because of the difficulties NASA encountered in its major programs at the end of the 1980s, as well as the need periodically to review status and chart the course for the future, in 1990 President George Bush chartered an Advisory Committee on the Future of the U.S. Space Program ... recommending several key actions. All of these related to the need to create a balanced space program-one that included human space flight, robotic probes, space science, applications, and exploration within a tightly constrained budget.

(Chronology of Defining Events in NASA History)

If 1986 is too speculative a year to truly mark the shift in the tone of NASA’s work, then 1990 is when the axe dropped: The king was dead, long live the king. NASA’s golden age was over.

However, the decline in the reign of NASA doesn’t mean it is not doing incredible things, earlier this year the New Horizons probe sent back our first clear images of everyone’s favorite Roman death deity: Pluto.

With Curiosity roving around Mars, NASA continues to do amazing and wonderful things today in 2015. There are still brilliant men and women with the quintessential spark of adventure and curiosity that defines the American dream. And we still have brave men and women blasting off to the International Space Station conducting groundbreaking experiments and doing covers of David Bowie’s Space Oddity. There is no shortage of amazing things that we still do, but we lack the frenzy, NASA no longer has the carte blanche it once had, and that might be the reason Matt Damon’s remake of Castaway is only a work of fiction, and there are no humans bouncing around on the Roman god of War. The space race isn’t the patriotic wonderland it was, now it’s more scientific than braggadocious. It’s more about the final frontier, finding new horizons rather than warming a Cold War. The selling point has switched, it’s no longer about god and country, it’s about scientific advancement and the betterment of mankind, and that’s a much more complex and abstract concept. And even though NASA has provided things like memory foam, braces wire, cordless dust busters, better baby food, LED lights, and any other number of things since sliced bread, not every taxpayer knows how instrumental NASA has become to the modern era. (NASA Technologies Benefit our Lives) 

A good argument can be made for unmanned missions at our current times. We're in a period of growth, we are beyond the moon but not yet to mars, our next intergalactic target in our solar system wide shooting gallery. And with this stage of growth came to the rise of unmanned missions. In the early days of NASA, we saw unmanned missions, missions helmed by dogs, monkeys, and all sorts of other non-sapien mammals. Now our missions are unmanned but helmed by robots. Like the multi-million dollar, RC cars they roam the galaxy exploring the final frontier, in search of the next big thing.

Throughout the years, NASA has maintained its sense of explorations, though it has been made to transform its means, through preserving the motive. Just because men and women aren't traipsing around the stars at this time, it does not make NASA any less of a beautifully exploitative, scientific, and human institution. The video released by NASA in anticipation of New Horizons passing Pluto, wasn't a cold and scientific video, it was full of beautiful music, it evoked emotion. That sense of pride in what we as Americans are discovering. NASA has held on to that sense of exploration that it was first founded with. It might have lost the Cold War era paranoia that fueled it, but it held onto the passion and love that flew Neil Armstrong to the moon in 1969. The words "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." These are not words of cold, heartless science, but of a warm, human passion.  

A friend of mine, Ian once said to me as we discussed the topic “People really like the idea of other people going to space.” And I have to agree with him. I will not be satisfied until we have men and women on Mars, and maybe even beyond. I don’t think we will have reached the next great space milestone until we get people, real human beings in the flesh exploring other planets. Is it less efficient and cost effective than robots? Yes. But, I believe we will do it anyway, because we have generations of people raised on the lore of space travel, final frontiers and galaxies far-far away. I believe we will not be satisfied until we have humans exploring space once more. We will once more have brave men and women sitting in tin cans, far above the world. I believe that mankind, not just America, but the planet as a whole will go out in space, in a larger exodus than ever before. I believe the next great migration will be to the stars.

Works Cited

"CHRONOLOGY OF DEFINING EVENTS IN NASA HISTORY."CHRONOLOGY OF DEFINING

 EVENTS IN NASA HISTORY. NASA, 1998. Web. 12 Nov. 2015.

"NASA Technologies Benefit Our Lives." NASA Technologies Benefit Our Lives. NASA, n.d. Web.

12 Nov. 2015.

Grochinski, Ian. Personal Interview, Nov. 15 2015

Advent Calendar 2/25

I had an anxiety attack earlier so fair warning I have no idea how this is going to play out.

I think I'm going to talk directly about friendships and what not. Because I talk about them a lot and a lot of what I write about can be worked into this theme. From self-loathing, self-image, mental-illness. All kinds of stuff. I'm so excited. Let's do this.

As you all know I have my tragic back story of no one liking me as a kid. Which the essay I wrote about that will be one of these advent calendar posts, I have to save my material, I have a lot of busy days coming up. Anyway, I was a weird child and had a hard time making friends and fitting in and it has shaped every action I have made since I became aware that people didn't enjoy my company. I'm also not proud of how much it still messes with me to this day, I'm nearly an adult and I know deep down this will continue for the rest of my life. Anyway, so those experiences have really affected how I go about relationships. I'm always saying sorry. I very rarely confront my friends when I'm mad because I always believe people are about to leave me. I believe that my company is more or less worthless and I'm kinda like a last resort friend. Like I don't think I was anyone's first choice for a friend. No one wanted me for kick ball why would anyone want to hang out with me? Like that's how my brain works, this isn't so people comment "OMG BAILEY UR THE BESTEST I LUV U SOSOSOSO MUCH." This isn't for attention, this is just me talking. Anyway, like it's really hard for me to think that people don't lowkey hate me and aren't seconds away from never talking to me again. It's really hard for me. I don't know I'm really easy to pressure into doing things. I just want people to like me, to accept me. But I really want to be me. I want to be accepted for me. I don't want to be someone else. I'm also really good at alienating myself from situations where I don't think I belong. A perfect example is in the show I did over the summer "13." I felt like I didn't belong. That show had all of these talented, wealthy, pretty kids. I'm just some guy. I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt like they were better than me. So I went home after shows, I didn't go to dinners with the cast. I went home. Maybe I did belong and I was the only one who felt like I didn't belong. I'm in a production right now I'm waiting for people to laugh at me and tell me that I was only cast as a joke, they'd never want to spend time with me. Ugh, anxiety attacks make me so rambly. I'm sorry that this is a little pathetic but I've started down this path there's no going back now. This is the emotional honesty you read this blog for.

I often feel like a burden on my friends, I always need a ride and money because I chose writing, acting, and pride over a real job. No one pays me to write or act. (And I live in constant fear that no one will.) But because of that I always have to ask to borrow money or for a ride. Like I feel really bad because I can't afford to get my friends gifts this year, and that's really shitty. Because they deserve gifts.

I try really hard to be a good friend. I drop everything to help those I love. Because I think they deserve it. So many people have done so much for me without asking for anything in return. I can never repay all the people in my life for all they have done.

I have teachers who have spent untold hours of their lives listening to my life and personal problems when they totally don't have to. Like who wants to listen to a 15/16/17 year old bitch about life all the time? And yet they do. And people read this blog, when no one has to. But people read it. Regardless of it's worth reading. And My voice lesson teacher hasn't made me pay for a lesson in a year because I can't afford it. And yet he works with me, even though I think we both know I can't afford to repay him. I don't know why these people, why everyone goes out of their way for me.

I've felt ugly lately. I had an acne break out. And I can't tell if I've gained weight or I'm normal or what. But I haven't felt very attractive the last few months. I feel really bad talking about it. It sounds like I'm fishing for compliments, I just haven't felt very good about how I look lately. I don't know what it is. I had to have photos taken of me today for promotion for the show I'm in and they will be posted all over the place. That's so scary. Everyone will know I look like shit.

I didn't write this for attention or so people feel bad or to fish for compliments. I just, I guess I needed to talk about this stuff.

I'm so sorry, I know I'm usually funnier. Maybe I will be tomorrow.

Have a great night, everyone. Happy Holidays

Love,

Bailey S. Fox

<3

The Advent Calendar 1/25

I wanted to wear my Christmas sweater today that read "Light it up," but I was sick so yeah, that didn't happen. Tomorrow I guess. Remember how well I did at writing once a week? How long do you think I can keep up one a day until Christmas?

This is my favorite time of year, there is something so wonderfully plain and simple about it. I love giving gifts and telling people I love them and peppermint and I love Christmas music and I love Christmas specials on TV. It's the one time of the year that I like John Lennon and Bob Dylan and also loathe Paul McCartney (Just a little, I'm sorry.)

I like the feeling of magic in the air, there is a little bit of a less of a need to be dark and serious and uptight, you can enjoy the time of the year and just let it be magical. I also hate the idea of the movie Krampus, like why do we have to make Christmas depressing and scary? Like screw you.

As this Advent Calendar goes on I'll make some lists of my favorite Christmas songs, specials, and movies. But not today.

I think it's really important to make people understand that you love them, and I think that's a pretty big theme of the blog, or at least I hope it is. That's something I love about the season, the idea is that it's a really big time of love and acceptance. Is it? No, probably not, but do I want it to be? More than anything. My family and I get together, we play reindeer games, we eat cookies and fudge, we do scratch off, we eat pizza, it's magical.

I really liked the new movie "The Night Before" because it managed to be an adult comedy without sacrificing the spirit of the season. It's presenting a possibly childish idea in an adult friendly package, and I think that's really wonderful. I also saw "Love the Coopers" which truthfully I liked more than I thought I would, even though it has a 22% on Rotten tomatoes, I liked the idea that it pitched, the feeling of family, I love John Goodman, and Diane Keaton was good, even if she is a poor man's Maryl Streep. So it was a cheesy holiday movie with a predictable plot, that didn't mean I didn't enjoy it. Maybe I just have no taste, but water doens't either and you need that to live, so take that. Plus it's Christmas, there is only so many ways to convey the same idea. So I'll take weird talking dog Steve Martin, and Anthony Mackie playing a 40 year old even though he's like 12.

I really want to make peace this season, so if anyone hates me, I'm sorry for whatever I did. And for those of you whom I am mad at, I forgive you.

Maybe this blog will get really cheesy the next 25 days, who cares? It's the spirit of the season.

Happy Holidays!

1 down, 24 to go.

Love,

Bailey S(anta) Fox

<3